I took a stand for myself. I had to figure out, instead of naturally learn like the 'normals', that I deserved a good childhood, a safe one free from fear and full of hope. I had to learn that, to figure that out on my own.
I had to learn that I was smart, that I was intelligent, capable. I wasn't told I was or encouraged that way, I taught myself.
Then I figured out that I've been raising myself since I was a little boy. I knew then, and know damn well now that I was then and will be now a better father, a better daddy than my own. I've raised a capable young man. Me.
When I didn't get the support, love, or words of encouragement that I hoped for, somewhat expected, from my mom, my sister, my wife... it was hard, but I knew that I could handle things myself. I had before and could again. I surrounded myself with friends, GREAT friends who would listen to me vent, figure things out. Great friends.
I told my mom that I wouldn't cut her off, but that I couldn't have a relationship with her, at least not the one she wanted. I took a stand, was sad and depressed for needing to do it, but I limited her contact. No texts, phone calls, nothing. I was cordial, and called to wish her a happy surgery, but that was it. I called after to see how she was and kept the conversation there. Talking to her about anything else was too much. Couldn't do it. Caused me anger, grief, ANXIETY.
The big issue: "you can't tell family." "you shouldn't tell family." "don't tell family because... they have issues."
WTF?? THEY have issues? I'm glad I'm so important to you that you put me in front of them. Oh wait, no, that's not what that looks like. You're putting them in front of me. Thank you. I feel like your son. You're right, you ARE a good mom. You were then and you are now.
I'm telling them without your support. I don't need you. You are disturbing my recovery. It's sad, don't get me wrong, but it's not healthy for me to have you in my life. So I'm going to share and I don't need your support. I've raised myself and I'll continue to do it as I trust other friends in my life.
Then a text message...
If this is what you need, I'll be there for you.
You know, I almost cried. Certainly welled up. Wasn't the textbook response I had been hoping for during the last year, but it was her best. Nothing is textbook, perfect. It is what it is. Accept that or spend a life in grief trying to get what you want... I would have ended up alone if I continued that. However, I did draw a line with "telling my story..." THAT was going to happen.
Then, even deeper, she was helping me pick out days to tell them this fall.
Wow. I cried.
That happened two weeks ago... and I just figured it out over the last day or so. It's a PARADIGM SHIFT! I don't feel scared anymore! I can share freely, respectfully. I have the support of a parent, my non-abusive parent now. I can do anything I want and still have her there for me! Holy crap! I am capable and supported. From that comes confidence and with confidence...
I can stop bullets.
I'm going to show the world what it means to be abused, to be an empathetic supporter, to be in recovery, to see the world as it could be, should be.
I took a stand for myself and my family is starting to come around. I loved myself enough to be sad over losing a connection I'd always wanted for the sake of a whole life, a connected emotional life. It was VERY SAD, but necessary... the result... (and probably due to them going through their process as well)... the result is that I have everything I ever wanted since I accepted that I was abused.
I have a loving wife with whom I attend church. A mom I feel I can talk to about anything. A sister who is starting to confide in me. Friends upon friends who would do anything for me. I cook, find recipes I want to try and try them. I don't catastrophize... I make a choice, and I do it.
Today I choose to stop bullets again. I choose life.
Edited by csasurvivor1992 (08/01/13 01:32 PM)
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.