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#442711 - 07/31/13 04:37 AM How will I live without the mess
Shyshark Offline

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 970
Loc: Canada
Here I sit
full of fears
trying not
to come to tears

I risk it all
I risk a fall
I risk to fail
I risk a face ...
already pale

Perhaps ...
it's the third glass of wine
Perhaps ...
maybe ...
I'm feeling fine

I'll soon know
I'll have another
then I won't care
about the bother

It doesn't matter
it's too late
I've done myself in
sealed my fate
tomorrow comes
come what may
I no longer
have a say

Tomorrow ... yes ...
it seems unfair
yes ...
it seems
downright mean
Tomorrow ... yes

They come to clean.
Experience is a brutal teacher.

#442769 - 07/31/13 05:33 PM Re: How will I live without the mess [Re: Shyshark]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4221
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
You will get through this too as you have survived so many other events that were worse violations. I hope that afterwards you will find a place of peace and rest.
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#442904 - 08/01/13 05:08 PM Re: How will I live without the mess [Re: Shyshark]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 11:35 PM)

#443101 - 08/03/13 02:22 AM Re: How will I live without the mess [Re: Shyshark]
Shyshark Offline

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 970
Loc: Canada
and so ...

Although not complete ... they will have to return to finish ...
my place is transformed to a large degree to what it was meant to be like
... 5 years ago.

I can see the floor again ... it's a kind of tan colour ... carpet ... not linoleum.
The windows really are glass ... and not wax paper.
The oven is not a black hole.
The tub really is white.
There aren't mushrooms growing under my bed anymore.
The food has stopped fighting back when I try to put it in the fridge.
I have stopped having heated arguments with the appliances ...
although the toaster still pisses me off!

There is only the bedroom and den left to do and even that is much better after I spent hours
clearing it up and organizing everything.
It just needs to have the 5 year old dust removed ... and that will be done asap ...
before I loose my desire to see it all ...
as it should have been.

'as it should have been'

That sentence alone brings shivers to my spine.
The pressure is on and the expectations are high ...
and to be frank ...
I don't think I'm up to it.

I care about it now.
I should have told the greenhouse to stuff their job where the sun don't shine
when they offered it to me.
I shouldn't have done this to myself.
Now I fear I'll just stop caring again ... in the wink of an eye ...
a split second will be all it takes to bring me down ...
and that will be a very bad thing for me.

This rebirth ... this one more chance ...
is a HUGE gamble.
Now I have a life outside the 4 walls of this cell ...
and a new one within them.

Not giving a damn about anything ... everything ... isn't easy ...
Being alone ... and staying alone ... isn't easy ...
but this is hard
and just plain dangerous.

I'm playing with fire here ...
and the unhealed scars of all those old burns
is what put me here in the first place.

One spark ... and I'm ablaze again.

As I said before ...

" It's not the dieing that I mind so much ... I know I can live dead. "

" It's the fucking resurrections that are killing me. "
Experience is a brutal teacher.


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