Thanks for your warm words and support
There's so much I'd like to say, but can't. Saying something or writing it down, particularly "certain" words that we must use, hurts so much more than just thinking about it to ourselves. It feels like being stabbed in the gut sometimes to put these things into words and to express them outwardly.
We can all say to a fellow survivor--you were a child and it was not your fault, he/she was the adult and it is their shame. But when we look ourselves, not so easy to accept.
I know just what you mean here, KMCINVA. For me it's more extreme even than that. I become enraged if I hear of another's abuse to the point where I struggle to control myself, even when it is fictional. There is a TV show in Europe called Borgen, where a storyline involved some very difficult and visceral scenes involving abuse of a child. Only someone who experienced abuse themselves could have written these scenes, it was so real and very triggering for me. My anger built up till I couldn't take it any longer. I jumped up from the sofa, screamed and hurled the controller right at the TV. I think my partner was pretty freaked out by that, but he understands me thankfully
For myself though I can't be angry at my perp, though I know I should be. I live this, it is my normality, fucked up though it is. I can't pity myself either for what happened in the past. I think part of it may be that this all happened at 14 in my teens, not a little child. For an (almost)adult I was very easily manipulated and I was big for my age so was strong enough to have resisted. I know how ridiculous the above paragraph sounds, even as I write it. When people refute this, logically I can agree with them, but in my head and my heart I have always felt a lesser victim and that I have no right to be so deeply affected in light of the suffering of others in this world. Stupid, I know.