I feel so bad for you as your cousin took advantage of you feeling he was safe, he definitely took advantage of you. Why did you freeze? It does not change who you are, you are still whomever you were the day before, only you have been taken advantage of, the same as if it were a female with whom you did not have sexual feelings toward. He crossed the line, the line he and you both knew was there, you were friends and relatives only.
You froze fellow survivor, because that is the reaction you had when you were abused. You froze instead of fighting or fleeing. It is all from the same reaction to adrenaline. It is a common reaction from survivors. It means.., nothing. It is not your thoughts, your intellect or your inclinations, it is an emotional reaction. Why do drivers mash on the brakes instead of steering around an accident? Are they unfit drivers? No, just unprepared. You too fellow survivor, were caught by surprise and unprepared.
It is also an emotional reaction to want to hurt those who hurt you, but it will not resolve the underlying feelings of fear and uncertainty. We need safety around us, and that means not physically being in situations were we could be challenged. It may mean not hanging around your cousin, but a healthy, affirming way to resolve this would be to confront your cousin, telling him he betrayed your trust. It may be a good idea to think through that event and prepare yourself, thinking about his reactions and what you could say to him. Prepare and execute, with the long term goal of either allowing him to remain in your life or removing him from it.
As it has always been dear survivor you are innocent, please let that rest in your heart.
My best to you,
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014