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#416635 - 11/19/12 04:14 PM That Old Bad Feeling!
thingsfallapart Offline

Registered: 11/15/12
Posts: 2
Loc: Ohio
Last night my wife and I got into a heated disagreement right before bed. After we get into bed I'm still upset from our previous conversation, as I lay there in bed purposefully showing my frustration by separating my from her mentally and physically, she touched me intimately. I immediately FROZE, because the touch was unwanted at that time it ws That Old Bad Feeling,that little lonely boy was inside of me was screaming "NO!!!" I praised to myself that she would not go any further because I wasn't sure what I would do. There I laid frozen, thinking, "I can't fight my wife, and I would hate to push her away." Fortunately she stopped, after a short time of not reviving any feed back from me.
My question is how do i explain what I felt to my wife, and what should I do if it happens again?

#416737 - 11/21/12 12:47 AM Re: That Old Bad Feeling! [Re: thingsfallapart]
Sterling Offline

Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 1894
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
i am sorry that this happened to you/ or that
you exp'd this- i would really like to hear
others feedback on this.


#421215 - 01/06/13 07:11 AM Re: That Old Bad Feeling! [Re: thingsfallapart]
lightwarrior Offline

Registered: 01/04/13
Posts: 1
Coming from experience with that same situation, i think you should tell her exactly what you typed down. she would understand so much more why its not a good idea to touch you, or comfort you in that way during times like that.

#442414 - 07/28/13 03:42 PM Re: That Old Bad Feeling! [Re: thingsfallapart]
Shyshark Offline

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 973
Loc: Canada
I believe there's an important factor here that hasn't been mentioned ...

Does she know about your abuse?

If she does then simply tell her that what she believes is a well intentioned surprise
makes you very uncomfortable.

If she doesn't know ... then there's a problem.

My csa didn't surface until my wife and I had split up after 7 years of a still happy marriage.
(that needs more explaining than is appropriate here)

She learned early in our relationship not to make the first move by touching me intimately,
but rather by a soft kiss or a gentle touch ... and not you-know-where ...
and not to whisper sweet nothings in my ear before, during, or immediately after sex.
Some other things also made me freeze ... and she also caught on to that.

Later ... she was not at all surprised when I told her what the root cause of my breakdown had been.
She had already figured it out to a large degree herself.
Then she held me close and whispered soft reassurances of love and support in my ear ... and it felt so right.
I was so happy to be able to have that closeness with her ...
even though we had already separated and then divorced.

She was hugely relieved that ... after all those years ... she now knew for certain that it had not in any way been her fault ...
that it wasn't her I rejected at times ... but my abuse that prevented me from responding
to those kinds of innocent advances.

I know this is an old post ... but perhaps you and others might see this and learn something from my experience.

You suffer from not being able to enjoy a wonderful aspect of a healthy sex life ...
and she suffers doubts and insecurities about herself at the rejection she feels.
She questions her desirability ... and if she has had previous experience ...
her loving making abilities.
Experience is a brutal teacher.


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