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#55263 - 03/19/03 05:53 AM At what age did you become a survivor?
Muldoon Offline

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
At what age in your life did you become a survivor?

I need some help. Many of the Reps at the Minnesota capital don’t know why we have to open up the Statute of Limitations on CSA so older victims can sue. They think that victim should be able to come forward at a younger age. I would like to ask you at what age you came forward to end the silence. When did you begin the healing? I so much what the REPS to understand what this is all about. If you could please tell me what year and at what age you came forward. Some of us may have come out more than once or tried to deal with the evil several times. I told on my perp in 1961 at 11. Reached out for help in 1973 at 23. Looked at getting help in 1992 at 42. Finally at 52 in 2002 I began the healing. Yes it took me 41 years to begin my healing.
If you could please let me know what year and what age you where when you began the healing. Also if you could give 1 or 2 sentences on where your world was at when you began the HEALING. I will be printing out the post and give it to those REPS that need to be informed. I will not use your names so write what you want. Thanks Muldoon

Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

#55264 - 03/19/03 12:09 PM Re: At what age did you become a survivor?
taipan Offline

Registered: 03/09/03
Posts: 57
Loc: CT
I became a survivor at 39! It took my wife separating from me (she was my crutch all these years) for me to "hit bottom" and finally realize that I can not handle this on my own; I need therapy to work through the emotions that I buried very deep in order to survive. I think we all find our coping mechanisms and they are very hard (but not imposable!) let go of. It is a travesty what gets stolen from a person when they suffer CSA. Thanks for the work you do! Sincerely, Ed

#55265 - 03/19/03 02:14 PM Re: At what age did you become a survivor?
al Offline

Registered: 01/08/03
Posts: 143
Loc: canada
I was 14 and later 18 when i was forced to speak up to have my father put away. i did not want to talk but i had to or keep taking it. I am 21 now.

There are others. i don't have the will or the strength to fight them right now. If i ever plan on getting better, i have to put myself first, even before the rage. Will i want to go after them somwhere down the road? I don't know for sure but that option should be open to me.

My 2 cents :rolleyes:

Those who dance appear insane to those who cannot hear the music. Mark Kleiman

Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it. Winston Churchill

#55266 - 03/19/03 03:46 PM Re: At what age did you become a survivor?
PeteT Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/03/03
Posts: 28
Loc: Michigan
I was 46 when I became a survivor. Before this I did not tell a single soul that my step dad sexually abused me when I was 14. My wife just could not understand why I was the way I was. She had to make all the decisions about running the household. I would flee from conflict and always wanted to be the peace maker, trying to protect whom ever I could so that they would not have to feel any pain. She grew stronger and I grew weaker. Finally she treaten to leave me. I had to decide if I wanted to start to live by telling my secret or die.

I thought I could not trust anyone with my secret for fear of being rejected by them. I thought I was protecting my family by not telling. I thought the pain would go away but it never did. I now know I was just protecting my perpretator.

Today I suffer from low self-esteem, depression, confusion and denial. I still have a hard time trusting others and have few freinds because of this. My step-dad is dead but I still live with this nightmare. He got away with it and there will never be any justice serve for what he did to me.


#55267 - 03/19/03 05:30 PM Re: At what age did you become a survivor?
MrEdd Offline

Registered: 01/24/03
Posts: 340
Loc: Texas
I am 40. surviving for 2 months. I was on the run from what happend for 29 years. 2 of my perps must be dead for sure by now, (they were in their 50s) the other I don't know.

Some Things are not problems to be solved, rather, they are facts which must be coped with over time.

#55268 - 03/19/03 05:44 PM Re: At what age did you become a survivor?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
My abuse by a gang of older boys started at 11 when I went to boarding school.
And about 6 months later after a violent rape by the whole gang I told the headmaster.

He did nothing to protect me at all, in fact I was punished for telling lies.
This gave the gang freedom to carry on abusing me, and others, until I was nearly 16.
By that time a teacher had taken over the gang and was also abusing myself and other children.

Not being believed then made it very difficult to trust in other people and I didn't tell another soul until I told my wife just before our 25th wedding anniversary when I was 46 years old.

By then I was depressed, suicidal and acting out sexually with strange men.

I'm 49 now and still having therapy for my problems.

My abusers told me that it was our secret, the headmaster reinforced that secret, and I clung to it for 31 desperate years.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#55269 - 03/19/03 06:54 PM Re: At what age did you become a survivor?
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
I never repressed any memories. But, I did not talk about the abuse until I was 50 years old and in treatment for depression.

I can't remember if I ever told anyone before this. I doubt that I did. Why would I have told?
I was embarassed, felt like a freak and was sure no one would believe it about this "wonderful young man."


If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

#55270 - 03/19/03 07:30 PM Re: At what age did you become a survivor?
outis Offline

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2261
Loc: Maryland USA
I was 16 when the worst happened. I didn't breathe
a word about it to anyone until last summer when I
told my wife. She then brought it up in our couples'
therapy. Outside of that, and my posts here, I still
have not mentioned it to anyone else.

I kept my silence for nearly 26 years.

"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

#55271 - 03/19/03 08:25 PM Re: At what age did you become a survivor?
Jess Offline

Registered: 01/26/03
Posts: 107
Loc: California
I was sexually abused repeatedly by a "nice" well-respected, neighborhood man during the time I was 4 to 6 years old. He was probably in his 50's. I did not tell anyone. I was afraid. This continued until we moved out of the neighborhood.

My life was changed. It was as if my candle of sexual awareness was lit prematurely. I was different and it has affected my entire life.

Between the ages of 8 and 11 I was forced by an adolescent female cousin to have sex with her "or else". At age 14 or 15 I was raped by a door to door salesman who came into our home when no one was around. I was a very small boy. I weighed about 89 pounds and was only 4'11" tall. The sexual abuser/predator was a foreign (non-western) man about 26 years old.

I was emotionally altered and wanted to commit suicide but I was afraid I might be going to hell because of the "sins of my past". Also, I did not want to hurt my family.

I never told anyone. These were my deep dark secrets for which I felt so much guilt and shame, and which caused so much depression I wanted to drop out of school and die. I thought these abuses were "my fault" and therefore "my sins" because otherwise why would these things have happened to me?

I finally disclosed my deep dark secrets, anonymously, to the survivors on MaleSurvivor: National Association Against Male Sexual Victimization in January 2003. They encouraged me by assuring me that I AM NOT ALONE. The men at MaleSurvivor were so supportive. Heeding their advice, the next day I found a counselor trained in male survivor issues and made my first therapy appointment. After decades of keeping quiet, I finally disclosed my secrets to a real live person for the first time. I am 51 years old and I am in therapy and for the first time I am dealing with the trauma caused to my life which happened over 46 years ago. Thank you.

#55272 - 03/19/03 09:36 PM Re: At what age did you become a survivor?
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
I was abused from age 11 to 13 by an older nieghborhood boy, a family friend, a trusted confidant. I was so ashamed, guilty, confused. I never told anyone, ever, until I was in crisis 39 years later. I was acting out, I was depressed, I couldn't go on the way I was going. I didn't even tell my wife until several months after I had started seeing a therapist. I told her on our 28th wedding anniversary.

The first time I was in a group of men at one of Mike Lew's retreats in PA I was scared to death at first. Then I finally realized that each and every one of these men had been through the same hurt and fears. NOMSV is the same way, we can share our stories, our fears, our deepest feelings and know that we are not alone.

Take care my brothers,


I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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