I posted some significant progress yesterday at 10 am. A phone call, a conversation, and a lot of reading, and I am broken as fuck. I know it's been progress but the fear and anxiety are kicking my ass.
from my experience - for what it's worth - every time i have had a significant breakthrough or step forward, it has been followed almost immediately by an emotional crash, slump or backlash. ride it out - like a pendulum, it will eventually find the middle - until next time.
First, I realized that a great deal of my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are nothing more than responses to childhood negect, emotional, phsical, and sexual abuse. As more and more things start to click, the more I realize that my thoughts and feelings have been completely hijacked by these factors to the point I can't even trust them.
but now you know - and that is something that you most likely did not understand before. realistic self-assessment is a significant and healthy step.
Second I am starting to think the big gaps in my memories may be linked to my current issues with short term memory. I don't remember things from a year ago. Also have more than occasional anomic aphasia - nothing like being in a meeting and having to describe the item you can remember - would you please hand me that button thing with the talk so I can call.
yep - i get that too - and the worse the stress or the more intense the emotions or the wore the recovered or re-experienced memories in that time period - the worse the memory problems are - along with other stuff. your brain can only handle so much at one time. the short term memory problem improves as i shovel out the other crap in my head.
Third, the Aha moments are coming faster and faster.
once the dam breaks - there is no stopping it. but that is both bad news - many are devastating - and good news - they are building blocks for growth.
Fourth, finally started to deal with the Mom neglect issues. I did so very therapeutically.
whatever works for you... i've tried several approaches. what works keeps changing for me as i move on.
They may be right. I may be crazy. But I just may be the lunatic....
a little comic relief here - in a restaurant a few months ago, the band was taking requests. i asked for "I love you just the way you are" by Billy Joel. they said they didn't know that but could play another of his songs. THAT is the one i got instead! we both laughed and cried.
Sixth, ...I have a ton of triggers - I just don't know what they are. And my go to responses seem to either isolate myself, be a complete asshole, dish out a heaping of emotional abuse, or fall apart.
it took me a while to recognize triggers and then figure out how to deal with them. you can figure it out - takes a while - but you can get there.
Finally, my wife came home and told me she is digusted by my personal brand of acting in (she can't understand why I would think of "that" why you JO). And for bonus points she brought up that she did not have all the facts when we got married.
sounds like a conversation we had - several times. there is NO WAY they can ever begin to understand. one of the most hurtful scenarios - but we both hung on in grim determination and stuck it out. less explanations and more acceptance and forgiveness. we made it.
I don't know whether this is progress or if I just need to check myself in.
my vote is - "PROGRESS!"
the sheer volume of what you are going through (look at how many points there are in your list!) - is exhausting - but you are moving FAST. you may need to consciously try to slow down or take a break.