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#441968 - 07/24/13 05:27 AM Wish I could remember what happened
djdamro Offline

Registered: 07/24/13
Posts: 5
I am 35 years old. I am a single gay male. I was told/questioned at the age of 7 that I was molested by my babysitters son. He was in his early 20s and gave my name as well as my sisters as victims. However, I cant remember anything now, or then and my sister says the same. The idea of what might have happened has been on my mind and I was looking for anyone who may have tips on recovering memories. I have more than just this instance that makes me feel I was molested as a child. i can remember having sexual thoughts and feelings for men my entire life. One of my earliest memories was when I was 4 years old. I remember laying in bed masturbating and was thinking about my uncle.This particular uncle was not in my life much. In fact durring this time We lived hours apart. I wouldn't see him for years through my childhood. I also has sexual feelings for the man that lived next door. i would have a fantasy of him pulling me into the bushes and showing me his penis. (or maybe it wasn't a fantasy?) I was 5 at this time. I have extreme sexual thoughts and desires my whole life.Another thing that I encountered was my mothers boyfriend. She had the same boyfriend for 6 years. from the age of 7-14 he was in my life. He was an extreme alcoholic and was not around a lot. However when he was around he always found ways to expose him self to me. Example; when I would be taking a bath he would come in and pee, making small talk trying to get me to look at his penis. He would also walk around in a house coat wide open completely naked when we were home alone. I also remember hims coming home drunk and passing out completely naked on the bed with the door open. Knowing my mom would not be home. Of coarse I looked. And I had interest in it. i have fantasy of him till this day. I was such a messed up kid. Having thoughts too mature for my age. These are the things that make me feel I was molested. I just cant remember it! I am constantly browsing the internet looking at male survivor stores, trying to find a story like mine that may trigger a memory. i want to know what/if something happened. Does anyone have any ideas on how to find my memories....

#441974 - 07/24/13 07:28 AM Re: Wish I could remember what happened [Re: djdamro]
Jacob S Offline

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 699
Loc: where the shadows lie
Take your time. Don't rush them. Be careful about reading too many stories. I know you want to pull out your own memories, but sometimes reading other people stories can make you doubt yourself (do I remember so-and-so or did I just make it up because of what I read?) That balance is different for each person.

I've heard a good therapist can help, especially one trained in a therapy called EMDR. Never been able to quite work up the nerve or the money for that, but that's whay I hear.

Work with the memories you do have. Reflect on how they affect you. There may very well come a time when the memories come back too fast and you wish they would slow down, so for now just focus on dealing with that you do remember and learn how to cope with those.

Hope this helps.
Nothing there. It subsumed me. Black hole in time and space.

And yet.

It seemed like what I was made for.

to be used.

most natural thing in the world.

#441989 - 07/24/13 12:49 PM Re: Wish I could remember what happened [Re: djdamro]
Poorsoft Offline

Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163

Firstly, welcome to MS. I hope you find this place as useful as I have. There is a countless number of awesome people here and despite the numbers, you will find we each have subtle differences and simalarities in our thoughts and memories.

I am in your boat, though I havent had anyone name me, but consider yourself lucky that your perp at least named you. Many people deny their actions till their grave. You must consider a 20 somethings memory is going to be much better than a young child, the fact he specifically named you is something.
As for memories ive done a whole lot of research and I hope this helps. In short:
1) You may read about "False Memory Syndrome". This is something created by a group of devious lawyers and proffesionals representing accused clients. There is no evidence at all to support that this syndrome exists. Yet some people still peddle it as a possibility. But you tell me whats more likely; an accused person wanting to get out of dodge or someone just 'made it up'.

2) Memories are constructs of your brain. Whilst the basis will be true, some details will be mixed or merged with other events. E.g Imagine you remembered going to a picnic and you remember falling over and hurting yourself. It could be whilst both the picnic and fall happened; they could have occured on two seperate occasions. This doesnt mean the memory is untrue, just mixed. So if you were to remember your own abuse, you may remember it happening on a bed, when infact it occured on a couch. Again, it doesnt mean the memory is false, just the minor details are mixed with other memories.

3) Memories must come themselves. The more you look, the more chance you will get things mixed up. Do not look or scower your mind for these memories , let them come on their own.

4) Memories are associated to senses aswell as emotions. We have this habbit as adults to file our memories under categories. Take a positive sexual experience in adulthood. If i was to ask you about your experiences of sex in adulthood you would easily recall that as it was filed in your brain under "sex". A 5 year old has no idea whats happening is sexual, the concept of sex itself is almost none existant so when a young kid has that experience the memory might be filed under something totally unrelated like "couch" (if it was a couch). This is why people get triggered by certain textures or smells.

5) hypnosis or psychotherapy is a good way to retrieve lost information. But a therapist maybe reluctant to do this if they see no benefit to healing process.

There are others like you, a lot. Im one of them. Your not alone, we are not alone. Keep talking and going.

Much love

#442003 - 07/24/13 02:10 PM Re: Wish I could remember what happened [Re: djdamro]
Ivo Offline

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
There is good reason when our brain is blocking harmful memories and I do not think it is super smart to play with that.

On the other hand you did have over sexualized childhood and improper social environment so there must be tons of issues that you have to cope with, missing memories in that respect are not so important at all in my eyes.

Are you on therapy?

#442078 - 07/25/13 04:09 AM Re: Wish I could remember what happened [Re: Poorsoft]
djdamro Offline

Registered: 07/24/13
Posts: 5
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post in such detail. I will definatley take your sugestions into consideration. I look forward to chatting with yoi more!

#442079 - 07/25/13 04:10 AM Re: Wish I could remember what happened [Re: Jacob S]
djdamro Offline

Registered: 07/24/13
Posts: 5
Thank you for taking the time to reach out to me! I'm excited to be a part of this group and look forward to chatting with you more

#442080 - 07/25/13 04:11 AM Re: Wish I could remember what happened [Re: Ivo]
djdamro Offline

Registered: 07/24/13
Posts: 5
No, I'm not currently in therapy. This is all come on very sudden. As in the last couple of months. I was recently laying in bed trying to fall asleep, I started thinking about when I became so sexually active mentally and physically sick child. And that's when the talking about so rapidly. I look forward to chating


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