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#440502 - 07/09/13 10:47 PM Re: So, how are you to feel if he does die. [Re: ThisMan]
BraveFalcon Offline

Registered: 02/26/13
Posts: 1231
Loc: The ATL

Hi Bill. Wow, this is a really tough one. It's a little difficult for me to relate because I have never been in this situation or any like it, really. Nor could I ever be, as my abusers are long gone from my life and not family. I can't imagine what I'd do were I in your shoes.

I will say that as to the question of how you should feel, there really is no wrong answer. Because the burden of shame lies 100% with him and the way you feel about him is 100% the result of his own actions, how ever you feel or whatever you choose to do or not do is 100% the right answer. If you do go to see him off into eternity, I think you need to only do it if you're doing it for you, not him. You don't need to do him any favors because you don't owe him any. However this ultimately ends, I hope you can be at peace with it when it is over. Take care. Peace,


#440569 - 07/10/13 05:52 PM Re: So, how are you to feel if he does die. [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
well, I chatted with the T yesterday and one of the topics was this cousin. Actually, it involved the three main perpetrators. This is the place I took myself as I talked...

assailant #2- the teen abuser... I saw him in my mid-thirties, he looked like a burdened down little demon with the weight of the world on him. And he was the age I am now... boy, he aged not so gracefully. Thank you, Lord, for letting me look soooo much better at 55 than he. I said then what I wanted to say, how it had shaped my world, etc,. My return gift, he denied it. I neither forgive him or forget what happened. I do not hate him. I just truly wish never to see him again, in this life or in another. Period, end of story.

assailant #3- still have feelings for him. Not a healthy situation to be involved in. Haven't seen him for 10 months. His destruction in my life is parallel to the CSAs. I still wish to never see or hear from him again. I live in a mild fear. Still need lots of work on this sob's gift of assaults

assailant #1- cuz....I am almost certain I have a touch of empathy for him. I wish him no harm and I sort of understand from a grown-up position that he was just a kid himself. Twisted, but a kid none the less. I choose to forgive him. I choose today as I think of him, to wish him peace. I don't know what to say, other than it was 50 years ago when it started. You guys are correct in that it I am giving away my power by worrying about receiving something that will never come. And it wouldn't change my history one ioda. If he were to ask to see me, I would go. But I have no big message to give him that would be a positive in either of our lives. I have risen so far above what I came from that I can't descend back. I don't want to.

And another thought that just crossed my mind is that I may be on the verge of forgiving myself. Just maybe. A fleeting thought, but perhaps its formulating. Will have to ponder on that puppy for a while.

Thanks for listening. thanks for the advice and thoughts and examples. LOL... sometimes entire scenarios and chapters, sometimes step by step by step.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#441971 - 07/24/13 06:26 AM Re: So, how are you to feel if he does die. [Re: ThisMan]
djdamro Offline

Registered: 07/24/13
Posts: 5
My mother had a boyfriend when I was a child. He abused me. Mostly mentally. I hated him. As a child I would fantasize about growing up, getting muscles and beating him up. (I also had a sick love for seeing his body that he showed to me often and inappropriately) After I grew up and wanted to confront him, I found out he had died. My first reaction was. Oh well. Then sad. I felt bad that he wasted his life being a mean person. I never was able to confrint him, and his behavior and doings still haunt my memory

#441977 - 07/24/13 08:01 AM Re: So, how are you to feel if he does die. [Re: ThisMan]
ShortedDiode Offline

Registered: 11/26/11
Posts: 121
Loc: Hamilton, ON Canada
My second abuser had brain cancer and I remember feeling the same way as he wound down near the end. I wasn't sure what to do either, and that uncertainty was one of the biggest reasons why I never went to see or speak to him before he passed on although we did cross paths at an event very briefly. I saw someone outside that I knew so I went to open a window and say hello, and the abuser asked me to close it because he was sick and felt cold. I didn't know what to say and I ended up mumbling ok and shutting the window, and that was the last time I ever saw or spoke to the guy.

After he passed on, I felt a sense of relief for a little while knowing that he wouldn't be able to make my life miserable with his stunts or hurt anybody else. However, the feeling of nothingness came back when I realized that it was over, that nothing more could be said or done, that there never would be any chance of confrontation or reconciliation and that this wasn't by his choice or mine because the brain cancer was going to take its toll no matter what was going on in the outside world, and that even though he was gone and not coming back, he still cast a long shadow with the trail of wreckage he left with his victims which is still here with all of us for as long as each one of us he abused is still here.
If it's a choice between laughing or crying, I'd rather laugh.

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