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#441972 - 07/24/13 06:41 AM Done
si Offline

Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 46
Loc: Utah
About a month ago, the CSA got to be too much. So, I decided to drop everything about it. I stopped coming to MS, stopped talking to everyone related to this site, and just tried to live a normal life. The problem is, CSA just doesn't go away.

I feel like I can't talk about the CSA with anyone anymore. All they do is compliment me, and I hate compliments. I don't need to hear about how i'm such a good guy, or that i'll overcome this abuse, etc. It doesn't get to the heart of the issue. I feel stained, like i'll never ever be able to be normal, to be the 5/6.

I tried to accept the fact that everything happened, accept the fact that I feel stained, accept the fact that i'll never be able to live a normal life. That i'll always be someone's sloppy seconds.

I feel like i'm out of options at this point, feel like I can't really talk to anyone without fear of just a barrage of compliments, feel like I'll never be able to just accept it and move on with my life. CSA just doesn't go away, it just doesn't. Damn it. I just want it to go away, I want to be normal, I want to be fresh and clean, I don't want to be sloppy seconds, I want to be Brian, a 5/6, but I never will be, because this is a stain that doesn't wash out. No matter how hard I try to move on, it doesn't go away, it never will, once the paper is crumpled up, it can never be perfect again.

I'm just feeling so done. Thought posting might help.

#441973 - 07/24/13 07:22 AM Re: Done [Re: si]
Jacob S Offline

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 699
Loc: where the shadows lie
You're not sloppy seconds. I don't know how to tell you what you are without complimenting you but how about this: you are a survivor. You made it through and yes it changed you and I don't know if the bruise will ever go away. But you've made it this far. I'm not trying to puff you up or compliment or tell you that you are handling this well. I don't know how well you are handling it or much else about you. But I know you went through fire, and I know that fire changed into someone you never asked to be. But it is also someone who is unique, who can understand things most people can't. Who sees the world differently. Its not a lot of fun, but it doesn't make you inferior.
Nothing there. It subsumed me. Black hole in time and space.

And yet.

It seemed like what I was made for.

to be used.

most natural thing in the world.

#441976 - 07/24/13 07:58 AM Re: Done [Re: si]
Ivo Offline

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
Hm just plain talk is not enough, therapy is not enough, your wishes-what if etc… are not enough… CSA experience is part of us and it can’t be erased…that means lifelong effects would be there always.

The sooner you realize this the better and with this topic you are very close to this point.

So what would be next?
The next thing is to become aware that despite this life has so many options and other interesting things to offer – in a way you are special and normal at the same time, but that does not mean that you should accept to be sloppy seconds, just be Brian as you are already.

#441988 - 07/24/13 12:47 PM Re: Done [Re: si]
CafeMan Offline

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 169
Loc: Chicago
Hi, Brian.

I felt EXACTLY like you. It's almost like I wrote this post myself. I considered myself more like damaged goods, always feeling inferior, not special and mediocre.

But the key is I no longer feel this way. After years of feeling like this, I had enough. So I made a mental list of all my positive traits, and guess what--I finally acknowledge these traits. I embrace them; I am proud of them. I am proud of myself.

Brian, you are on the verge of feeling better about yourself. Otherwise, you would not have posted this message. You are not so much "done," rather you are feeling that you had "enough." So take stock in you. It'll come and when it does, it will feel wonderful!

All my best . . . Nick


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