Newest Members
jez, Long Way Home, Bcbornleo, Orko, molander
13593 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
coolcat (50), davids_wifey_xoxo (40), jjt (50), Kieran1 (65), terryj (61)
Who's Online
9 registered (Esterio, iaccus, Ceremony, crabbott, 2 invisible), 28 Guests and 0 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,593 Registered Members
75 Forums
70,682 Topics
493,687 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 11:29 AM
Topic Options
#441792 - 07/22/13 11:11 PM This has been the hardest
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
emotional period of time I have had for a VERY LONG time. T says I am at a crossroads. Which way do I wish to go? I can claim my successes right now and stop therapy with the acknowledgment of what I have disclosed, which is a pretty good place. But my coping behaviors, etc., I realize, will be just under the surface ready to reemerge at the slightest provocation. ...or

I can step farther into the abyss and begin to truly feel on an emotional level, no holds barred, the effects of CSA ASA - the whole daggone gambit of what it FEELS like to be assaulted. Again last week he told me I was scripted with what I shared, and that it was obvious that I avoided emotion - at least in his office. I could go on, but you guys know what I mean. And now here comes my confession.

I am so - can I go back to using the F-bomb? Okay, thanks... I am so fucking scared of what I might feel. Or that I might no longer be in control. Thats my confession. I am afraid of being "not-in-control". .... n-i-c. NIC.

How do I collectively pull together all these years of disappointment and lose and just step in and say, "Here. I am ready to cry now?" Funny thing is, the old T said as much. I was afraid of my emotions. Yep. If two Ts say the same thing a few months apart, I guess its true.

So where do I begin? I have already been real and honest with the events of my life . I can't just walk in and say, "Okay, today we shall cry. Ready. Set. Cry." Do I smash my thumb with a hammer before I go into the office tomorrow or cut an onion in half? Sort of just to get started, you know.

My sons do not know that every week for 9 months I have been in therapy. And driving approx 100 miles one way for that! They are so unaware. I wanted to tell them, and the perfect chance was present a few weeks ago, so I approached the subject of CSA. I was with the younger one at the time- his response, "Dad, I really don't want to talk about that." I know he meant it as he loved me so much he can't bear to think of me being hurt, but that was the end of that. I don't want to put my emotions on him. I can't imagine the older son- they both know, but they both have .... I don't know.

I shared that to say the following: To whom, when the appointment is over, shall I turn to after I tap into the rawness of what lies just beneath this calmness? Who will place their arms around me and reaffirm that yeah it hurts and they are there for me? I can answer that with one big word......NAUGHT! No one will be there. When an arm goes around me or just rubs my shoulder, it usually means someone wants something other than to comfort me. Get my drift? And I am so much more in this new Bill than just an easy big ol' guy.

And what if the emotions are more than I can handle? My thoughts scared me the other day.

Any advice out there from when you moved into that one spot inside yourself, from the place inside where you knew you needed to move forward from- or you would forever be what you are now? (damn, I talk in circles when I get going. gonna post before I delete...)


Edited by ThisMan (07/22/13 11:14 PM)
For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#441798 - 07/23/13 12:09 AM Re: This has been the hardest [Re: ThisMan]
toddop Offline

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 233
Loc: California
Hey b,

I just had to write to you to say I really get where you are. I really feel like I could have written a bunch of those ideas that you just put out there. Thanks for giving voice to your fears and sharing them.

I have been recovering a lot of new memories from the CSA. I think I have woken up every night minus 1 or 2 this month with horrible flashbacks and the feelings of being in the moment way back then when I was abused. And I get that really dark place. I get overwhelmed at times with just this deep sense of fear, terror, and sorrow. I feel like I have returned to a dark place and feel like I might not get out. And I often feel like I have crossed that line that I might not be okay, and that I might always feel like this. But, it always passes, even when I know it won't.

During the day, I am just flat and numb and emotionless, mostly when it pertains to me and my experiences. I can identify and feel empathy and pain in response to other people and their stories. But, when I search for those feelings inside me, in the inner places, it feels dead or quiet at least. Nothing.

What I have been trying to is ask myself what do I feel ready for? Not just in the mirror, but really sitting with that question. And I usually get an answer. Sometimes not immediately, but it will come. It will tell me, take a break today, or you don't need to look at such and such right now. Or sometimes it will tell me. Dive in. Take a look. The time is now. So, I just try to stay grounded that way.

I think a lot of times when thinking about the work and what it involves, it is easy for me to think past the pain of it. Like I can think to myself, yes, let's deal with this memory or issue. And I forget that there is this deep well of pain and sorrow and loss attached to it. And that if I am going to look at it, I have to feel the things attached to it.

My thought about your situation is that you can proudly do either of those options. You can step back and take some time away from it, knowing all the good work you have done. Or you can keep going. It should be based on what your gut tells you. But, neither one of those has to be a permanent decision. You can reverse course in a day, a week, or a month. You can reverse course several times. There is no time limit and no pressure.

Anyway, my two cents for what they are worth. I support either choice you decide to make. Good luck!


"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

#441807 - 07/23/13 01:40 AM Re: This has been the hardest [Re: ThisMan]
traveler Online   confused

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4285
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
b -

i know, i know.

i've been where you are now - twice. the first time, i stopped. i thought i'd done enough. i thought i'd be OK. i thought i could go on and forget about it and not be bothered by it again.

at first, i thought i was right. i did much better than before the therapy. but in the long run, i was wrong. i wasn't finished.

the second time i went into therapy, i came to the same place. i recognized the feeling - and the choice. this time i kept going. it was not fun or easy. but it was worth it.

i can't guarantee that your experience will be the same as mine. and i am sorry that you feel you have no one to turn to. i know it is not the same as a real, live, in the flesh person - but we are here for you. i am sure that there are many of us who will offer as much support as humanly possible without being physically present. i will if you need it.

like Todd - whatever you decide, i'm on your side.
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#441816 - 07/23/13 02:30 AM Re: This has been the hardest [Re: ThisMan]
SoccerStar Offline

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 929

First, I'm sorry about your sons, but you know in a way it comes from a good place. You've been a good dad and raised healthy well-adjusted young men. That makes you a Hero, to somebody-s. It gives you a role they need. They don't want to think of you being hurt. If you HAD TO change around them, they would be there for you. But they are hoping you don't. They are afraid. Kids (especially adult children) associate any change in their parents with aging and death. And they don't want to think about that. They want their Hero to stay strong as they know.

I sort of had the feeling before I started role-play therapy that it was going to be "a lot." Didn't know a lot of WHAT, but, a lot. I'd been stuck for so long in so much fear, the only real emotion I could feel after the initial shock had worn off. T and I went over what the purpose of role-play would be and.... I knew I had to do it alone.

This is the 4-foot-doll in a blanket story, we've talked about it before. It took only a few moments of holding and talking to and trying to comfort a proxy "me" to completely demolish me. All the day-to-day coping mechanisms, the patchworks, the tape-togethers, the good-enoughs.... all of the mask... pffft. I screamed and wailed and rolled on the floor and cried until I saw black.

There was no one there for me. Couldn't be. There isn't a soul before whom I could lose that much dignity.

But I was there for me. For a helpless little kid who'd been a good kid and felt himself brutalized and dehumanized and shattered for no reason. When no one had helped him, when even he/I hadn't helped him/myself because NO ONE COULD KNOW.... I helped him. I screamed for him as he never did and comforted him as no one did. The "me" of the present day was just a fucking mess after, twitchy and raw.

With all that detonation power upon release - you can only try and fail to even imagine the stress and unhealthiness of keeping it all inside beforehand.

Let it out. Let it hurt. After working so hard to salvage some of your dignity, let go of it and turn into what part of you has always felt like - which you've known, and controlled. Stop controlling. You deserved to be hurt-for, wept-for, grieved-for. No one else ever did it. The only one who's aware enough to do it is you - and the fear of acknowledging just how bad it was can keep up the numbness, the clinicality, the need for control. The mask.

Get it the fuck out, man. You'll be a wreck after but we're talking short-term vs long-term.

You confronted an abuser. You faced CSA and built a healthy, productive, stable, loving life beyond and in spite of it. If you can do that, you can do this.

You will be alone, because no one else knows how bad your younger self had it (younger by decades or months, no matter). Let yourself grieve.

People can get on with life afterwards. It's part of a process and it works. I totally believe in you and that you can do this.

My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

#441826 - 07/23/13 03:09 AM Re: This has been the hardest [Re: ThisMan]
BraveFalcon Offline

Registered: 02/26/13
Posts: 1231
Loc: The ATL

Hi Bill. I guess I'm not the best person to be giving advice on this as I haven't dealt with my own issues in front of a therapist in about 18 years. I know when I first started going to that T the tears came easily and effortlessly when I discussed the pain of my childhood but as time wore on the tears stopped coming. I don't think that's because the memories were any less painful and it certainly wasn't because any of the resulting issues were resolved, (they still aren't), but more because I had become desensitized to talking about them. I don't know if that desensitization came from pure repetition or from some subconscious decision I had made to stop feeling the pain because it hurt to much and I wasn't getting anywhere with it anyway. If I went back tomorrow, would I be able to feel that degree of pain again? I honestly don't know if I could, even if I tried to.

I wish you luck with this Bill. I don't really know what the right answer to your dilemma is but I would say that Matt is probably right. You need to feel whatever pain you can and just let it out, as frightening a prospect as that may be. Then again, I realize there is no guarantee the tears will come. Like you said, it may not be possible to say "ready, set... cry" and have it work out that way. I will say that if those emotions are inside you somewhere and you can tap into them, they probably need to come out, one way or another. Just know that, either way, we are here for you. I'm sorry if you're finding that no one else seems to be. Let us know how everything goes. Take care. Peace,


#441888 - 07/23/13 06:50 PM Re: This has been the hardest [Re: ThisMan]
concerned_husky Offline

Registered: 08/30/12
Posts: 766

I read this when you posted it last night - I'd been thinking about what to write for ages and ages, but I couldn't come up with anything. And then I realized why - I'm actually not at your level of recovery. I thought I had it all figured out but there's a big part of me that's still a wreck. Just the fact that you're even considering opening up old wounds to move forward says something about your courage. I don't have much to add - I think the others on here have already given some really insightful advice - so I just want to say thanks for posting this, it resonated a lot with me.

"Only the solitary seek the truth, and they break with all those who don't love it sufficiently." - Pasternak

#441936 - 07/24/13 01:00 AM ! [Re: ThisMan]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (03/01/14 02:05 AM)

#441941 - 07/24/13 01:41 AM Re: This has been the hardest [Re: ThisMan]
genedebs Offline

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 378
Loc: MO
Dear ThisMan and others,

Yes I know the fear of expressing my emotions. Worse, the fear of feeling my emotions (they were so terrifying when I was 7 I tried suicide).

The delusion that I had power and control, is psychotic. But I have held on to that lie for 50 years. In therapy I cry, when I cannot control where my words go. I have been crying 1 to 5 hours a day for most of the last month. Has it given me any sense of healing? NO. But it has forced me to give up on about a half dozen psychotic delusions. That is a necessary step to achieving healing.

I have 4 kids, they mostly did not want to hear it. My ex-wife, I don't think she ever got it, but listened to my tears, and fears for years of drunken madness.

The fear that I will start and never stop, my father's phase: If you don't stop crying I will give you something to cry about.

I hope that it will eventually lead to healing and strength. But today, I am too depressed to be hopeful.

You will by its very nature go deeper, or just live a numb and untouchable life. I still have to be an actor to play with my grandkids


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.