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#441789 - 07/22/13 10:36 PM I have done this to myself.
Poorsoft Offline

Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
I am exhausted.

Every day, without fail, I think about this. I think about what I know, things Ive done, actions I've taken, thought and the things other people have done, past and present.

My predicament is simple; I have no clear memories of ever being abused. Infact, I have very little memory of anything at all. So why would I come to MS? Why would I think the unthinkable?

A very short answer is; this came out AFTER a short course of therapy, when the therapist suggested I had experienced some degree of childhood trauma. But she didnt say what it was (time limited sessions) and she didnt want to say because she 'wouldnt be able to close a wound she opened'. Im not sure if she did actually open this wound or I took the knife and created a brand new one. I researched stuff, things I felt and found to my horror; it always pointed to CSA. I ticked all the boxes, it was actually quite textbook. But no memory. Nadda.

I wonder if you know doubt like I do, how it feels to analyze every action you've ever taken, to think fiercley about the same issues over and over and over again. Putting pieces into place that might not have even belonged their in the first place.

To which this has all lead to a brand new source of nutrients for my denial. I read an article about the impacts of watching porn at a young age, I had access to the internet from abouat 11/12, used to go on chatrooms and stuff with my friends before hand; but we did access some gruesome shit and in private I accessed things that were haunting. This is why I think I may have done this to myself.

I read an article today that said that kids who access porn, can have the same psychological after effects as a kid who was molested. So, I wonder if I quite literally have done this to myself.

Regardless, this leads me to two possible truths;

1 - Everything comes together and it was CSA. I dont feel so guilty then, because I know it wasnt my fault.


2 - There was no CSA. I did this to myself, the guilt is mine.

I won't tell you what will happen if its 1 or 2. That is for me to know.

#441790 - 07/22/13 10:45 PM Re: I have done this to myself. [Re: Poorsoft]
Poorsoft Offline

Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
To add, I feel like everytime I post here; I'm shitting over each and everyone of you. People who can say for certain; this happened. How I must appear to you...

#441793 - 07/22/13 11:11 PM Re: I have done this to myself. [Re: Poorsoft]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3863
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Poor,
it must be very difficult for you to struggle like this.
I've seen already similar posts here by other survivors and I read somewhere about situations when survivors couldn't remember anything, so it is not something uncommon.
I can just guess that power of drive set behind your search already look as some evidence.
I learned through my therapy that many times facts are not so important actually as process set behind. And if it is more repetitive and "out of control" means stronger negative impact made it and possible earlier in our lives.
It could be sign of trauma and our bodies/minds are sort of "stuck" there in sort of emergency state looking for escape. Unfortunately many times that escape doesn't come by itself. So it is not wonder that is so exhausting.
It doesn't matter if it is sexual abuse of some other sort of trauma source of such struggle. Regardless, the signs are very similar and I guess path to healing.
Battling negative self image containing guilt, shame and similar feelings is terrible difficult task.
So please give some break to self. Say couple of loving, encouraging and assertive words. You deserve it wink
You are not alone!!!

My story

#441794 - 07/22/13 11:30 PM Re: I have done this to myself. [Re: Poorsoft]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 10:47 PM)

#441796 - 07/22/13 11:49 PM Re: I have done this to myself. [Re: Poorsoft]
toddop Offline

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 233
Loc: California
Hey Poorsoft,

I can identify with a lot of what you say here. For most of my life, I did not have a lot of memories around the abuse. I knew something was wrong deep down, but did not have a lot of clear memories. It wasn't until I had a major trigger in my early 30s that I remembered anything at all. It started like flashes of really horrible images.

Over the years I have slowly, sometimes agonizingly slow, been recovering memories. My T says not to force it and all that stuff she is supposed to say. But, I am stubborn and impatient with myself and would obsess about recovering memories.

I used to have this image in my head of one of those old scales, like the scales of justice. And I would always constantly evaluate whether I thought something happened or not. And each piece of evidence would add a stone the "Acceptance That Something Happened" side of the scale. Each major lingering doubt, or negative thoughts inside my head telling me I was crazy was a stone on the "Nothing Happened - You're Just Crazy" side of the scale. It would be this constant back and forth on that scale.

Then, one day I just had to accept that this happened. It kind of washed over me. I knew enough, or trusted enough in my feelings about it to just let go of the scales and honor what my inner voice was telling me. What it had told me all along. And I threw away those scales and try not to look back.

I used to get so mad when people would tell me to be gentle with myself and not force it. I never listened for a long time. I was always fighting it. But, it is ultimately true. I had to let it go, or at least the struggle and judgment around it, and accept it before things started flowing more in my mind.

I have done some things to be active about trying to recovery memories. For me, it is about writing, because that is how I best express myself. I journal. I write poetry because sometimes that is a direct route to the subconscious for me and gets down under the "rational" mind. Another thing I did was to start and maintain a timeline. And not just of CSA events, but all of the events that I really remember strongly from my childhood. Every time a new one comes up, I add it to the timeline. Even if it is just an image or a flash, or that sense of knowing. I try to figure out when it happened and it goes on the timeline. That has been the biggest trigger to uncovering a lot of memories to me. Then, you start to see where the visible holes in you memory are. I may never remember what specifically happened in each specific incident, but with what I do know, coupled with glaring and obvious holes around huge chunks of my childhood, it is obvious something is blocked.

But really, it is not even about memories. Our minds do things, especially in traumatic situations that are beyond our ability to control. Each one of us has coped in different ways in terms of how abuse is processed. I think you have to rely on your inner voice. You are here for a reason. I think if you come here regularly, identify with what me and the other guys say on this site, and think something may have happened to you, it in all likelihood did. I mean, I know I have identified with a lot of things you have said on this site. You are a brother in arms to me. I don't doubt you. I don't doubt your presence here.


"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

#441797 - 07/23/13 12:04 AM Re: I have done this to myself. [Re: Poorsoft]
txb Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 416
Originally Posted By: Poorsoft
2 - There was no CSA. I did this to myself, the guilt is mine.

If that's the case then it still wouldn't be your fault. You were only young. You didn't know what you were doing, you didn't know what kind of affect it was going to have on you. You shouldn't feel guilty. No one can be blamed for stuff they did at 11/12 years old.

#441805 - 07/23/13 01:23 AM Re: I have done this to myself. [Re: Poorsoft]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4284
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
P.S. -

i feel for you. for a long time i didn't remember much. once i did - i wasn't so sure i wasn't better off before.

i don't think you'd be here if it wasn't true that you are a survivor. nobody just hangs out here because it is so much fun! my take is that your subconscious knows even if your conscious mind doesn't.

we used to have another brother here who went through the same inner arguments and turmoil as you are experiencing now. many of us went back and forth with him trying to convince him that he should trust his intuition - that he wasn't a fraud - that he belonged - that no one here thought less of him - that even if he had few specific memories of details - he KNEW that something had happened. he never reached the peace of mind of regaining full memory or learning the absolute truth - but he is at peace now.

PLEASE try not to drive yourself nuts over this. I am willing to take it on faith that you have every right to the dubious honor of being among us as a full-fledged member.

PM me if you like,
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#441844 - 07/23/13 06:49 AM Re: I have done this to myself. [Re: Poorsoft]
little big man Offline

Registered: 06/19/10
Posts: 123
Loc: nevada
I recognise the overanayizing of yourself and others. I have post tramatic stress disorder and always do that. Satred meditating a year ago. Helps me manage my thoughts. Also I try and just appy trust vs worry. I dont need to be so afraid anymore.
There is the Thinker and with meditation, the one who watches the Thinker. Get to know the one who watches the thinking. The mind is inherantly pure, we can always go there. An empty mind is a ready mind, it is ready for anything.

#441899 - 07/23/13 08:12 PM Re: I have done this to myself. [Re: Poorsoft]
Poorsoft Offline

Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Appreciate your replies, I wonder Travler if you are refering to LAD, we exchanged a few messages.

One of the things he said was "Out of almost all the other members I am most like you". Which did make me feel good for a while and it was great that we could talk about things no one else could get.

But when he went, I thought; ahhh I'm not that far from where you are buddy.

But regardless, I appreciate the sentiments added in your messages, I never have felt alien and I'm glad you welcome me with open arms, despite my lack of memory.

Truely means a lott.

#441937 - 07/24/13 01:08 AM Re: I have done this to myself. [Re: Poorsoft]
genedebs Offline

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 378
Loc: MO
Dear Poor Soft

Memories are not under our control. My older brother thinks he was molested by a photographer friend of my mother When he was 6 or 8. My brother went into hypnosis to find the memory, but came out of the hypnosis in the middle rather than face it.

My little brother remembers his first molestation as being me ejaculating on him. However, I would have been 10 years old, a little young to be ejaculating, my memory tells me it was my older brother who was 12 at the time.

Some memories never come, others are confused.

For myself I remember having my underwear on my head when he took our pictures, Were we naked? I cannot remember. Does it matter? My daughter did not remember being molested by my father until she was 34. Even then she remembers the furniture more than the acts that occurred when she was 7 or 8.

You are accepted as one of us and we offer you the safety and support that we can. Many survivors minimize what happened, it was only once. I went with the older boy willingly. I can back asking for the sex.

I don't think I am fortunate to have had 5 molesters, and more than 20 events, but it leaves me with no doubts about this type of trauma.

You really have to accept what everyone else accepts, there is not enough fun here for anyone without sexual trauma to keep coming back.


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