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#441434 - 07/20/13 03:52 AM What's wrong with me?
bey Offline

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 447
Loc: canada
I am trying to be well. I honestly really am. I want to get better, I work in therapy.
But what is wrong with me? Why do I sabotage everything I have in my life that's good? Why do I want to be alone? Why do I feel so much comfort in suffering? Why does the thought of hurting bring me so much inner peace? Why do I wreck everything I touch?
I guess I know the answer is because I was abused, and now the blame lies with me, because I have made damn sure that my suffering will not end, that I am still out in dangerous situations, that I am still hurt.
Why am I doing this to myself, and if I know the answer, why don't I care? Why isn't it easy to stop wrecking everything. I want to stop all this and just be well, but I can't. And you know what, I am getting pretty pissed off about it. And I'm the only one who's left to be pissed off at.

#441436 - 07/20/13 04:12 AM Re: What's wrong with me? [Re: bey]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6387
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
just by writing that out, posting it publicly, and then going back to it later, you will be answering your own questions.

i was so-called "chaos addicted".

i did not want to build anything that could be destroyed,
and if i did build it, i was going to be the one that destroyed it before anyone else could.

every time things were going well, i got bored and scared.
i always felt that the next disaster catastrophe was hiding just around the corner, waiting to wipe me out unaware.
the suspense and suspicion would drive me nuts.
plus, i could not handle ruts, routines, or rituals that did not require me to think fast and move quick, with life or death consequences.
somehow i preferred battle over boredom.
and rather than sitting around, waiting for the sucker punch sneak attack, i would go out looking for a fist fight with fate.
it was always "me against the universe".

this led to me to risky and dangerous actions and situations, like a moth to the flame.


#441477 - 07/20/13 05:57 PM ! [Re: bey]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (03/01/14 02:01 AM)

#441479 - 07/20/13 06:55 PM Re: What's wrong with me? [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
There is nothing wrong with you.

But you got some abuse as a young guy, as I did. That abuse often teaches us or compels us toward some bad habits on a deep or emotional level. Another way to say this is that parts of the brain remember the abuse and act it out even if our conscious mind has gotten over it. Our brain is divided into compartments and abuse can make us more compartmentalized. Parts of our brain can demand sensations and this drives certain types of behavior. I have had dissociative disorder which can make this problem more acute. That's one way to look at dissociative disorder. The different parts of the brain have become deeply separated to the point that they think and act very separately.

Some of the solutions to these problems:
1. EMDR therapy can be a powerful tool to restore integrated thinking and emotions.
2. Certain exercises. For me, seeing a 3-D movie tends to integrate brain parts.
3. Some computer games. Games which cause our hand and our emotion and our thinking (rational) brain to work together will bring about healing.
4. Light (or deep) hypnosis. This can, if expertly done, bring together the separated brain areas. Then they can begin to work together.
5. Talk therapy. Just talking out the abuse and the effects it had on you will bring together the brain areas.
6. Writing out (such as in MS) in detail what happened to you and the emotional effects it had will bring your brain together. I have a post where I have pictures of myself for each abusive event. It is possible to see on my facial expression how the abuse affected me afterward. That kind of an activity brings the understanding and the emotions together. Therefore it is healing. It also helps others to understand the effects the abuse had on us.


Edited by pufferfish (07/20/13 07:06 PM)

#441484 - 07/20/13 08:24 PM Re: What's wrong with me? [Re: bey]
bey Offline

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 447
Loc: canada
thanks for the idea, pufferfish

i am thinking of trying some EMDR, but i'm not 100% yet. I can't see 3d movies, it just looks blurry to me, but not 3d. and yes, i am wearing the glasses wink i will think about the other suggestions too. i know i need to work on fixing my brain, i am starting to realize how much my brain was affected from the abuse, maybe especially because i was abused right from young infancy.
i have been working in therapy about this, but even though i know that i want to get better and i see my negative coping mechanisms, i even see the reason, but when i get triggered i just do it.

anyways, thanks for the support and ideas

#441523 - 07/21/13 12:46 AM Re: What's wrong with me? [Re: bey]
bey Offline

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 447
Loc: canada
Wow, that really describes me well too. Thanks for giving me a bit more clarity.


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