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#439213 - 06/26/13 01:46 AM Shame
bey Offline

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 447
Loc: canada
I have been feeling so numb lately, with this terrible undertone of panic and sadness. But mainly really dulled.

Today I was hit with the first strong emotion I have felt in ages - shame. Deep, terrible shame. Shame for what happened to me, shame about my current condition. And this crazy panic that I have shared too much - even some of my most darkest secrets. I can't take that back, it's just out there.

I am embarrassed to be an incest survivor. I am embarrassed to admit that It got to the point that i initiated most sexual contact with my abusers. I am embarrassed to admit that I liked, even loved, even longed for, that attention. I am embarrassed to admit that nothing can compare to that intensity now. And the terrible shame of admitting that makes me so sad. I am ashamed of the details and terrified that people know. I feel terrible shame and guilt that I want to tell someone every last dirty detail so bad sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode.

I am embarrassed to be a recovering addict, that heroin took most of my teens and young adulthood, and that even with yrs of sobriety I still struggle. That's dumb.

I am so ashamed to have DID. Really. It's the worst. Any other mental health issue would be better than this, it is so embarrassing and crazy. And it pisses me off that I have to pretend to be someone I am not Because people wouldn't understand or it's not done, but I am also supposed to embrace who I am. Be yourself, but not too much yourself. I want to relax about it, but I can't. I have no control here, I don't know how I will act at any given moment. I want to Just be me but I am ashamed of who me is. And I hate my parents for doing this to me. Really. Fuck.

I am ashamed of how my life has turned out. I have done almost nothing right.

Shame, embarrassment, anger. What am I supposed to do with this?

#439215 - 06/26/13 02:05 AM Re: Shame [Re: bey]
Magellan Offline

Registered: 01/01/11
Posts: 1598
Loc: California
It sucks. We survivors have to carry a heavy burden. Heavier than most other people can fathom.

I know every feeling and thought you described in your post. Intimately familiar with the embarrassment and shame. And the anger.

What we are supposed to do is heal. That is our life task. Others get to experience great success and horrendous downfalls. Some don't get to experience much at all (they die early). Our early experiences have altered our life course, and our biggest task is to heal from childhood trauma.

I'm surprised to hear myself say this right now - because I've frequently asked exactly the same questions you ask, and still frequently feel terrible anguish of what I so unfairly lost and never will have. I'm learning to accept that this is what I've been dealt, and it is my responsibility to overcome. I've been given a chance to do so - I survived. Many people don't make it.

I am your brother here. I understand you and I get you. I've carried the same pain. You can see much of it written here. I want to let you know that we get you. We know you. We accept you. You are a hero for being here. You are a hero for reaching out. You are a hero for writing what you wrote, and sharing what you're sharing.

It made me feel better about my difficulties to read what you wrote about yours. We share similar feelings and outcomes and regrets. I'm glad that you wrote this, because I've been given an insight into myself I otherwise wouldn't have. And because of that, you're valuable to me.

I imagine you're valuable to many people here. Not many have found their courage to start speaking up yet.

Thanks for being here, bey. I'm sorry that you have to be here, but I'm glad you're here.


#439220 - 06/26/13 03:03 AM Re: Shame [Re: bey]
nolan79 Offline

Registered: 06/23/13
Posts: 32
Loc: sc, united states
Bey I think you are doing the right thing now, and that is talking about it. You are not keeping it in and allowing its' toxens to destroy you. Though, you still feel all the hurt, shame, and depression; by you releasing it, you are giving more room for growth to come in. I wish you all the healing in the world. I have an idea of what its like to be afraid of yourself. I have not been diagnosed with any dissociative disorders yet, I fear I have developed some of the symptoms. With all of the sexual image flashes, the deep feeling of not being in control, I fear my mental health has dropped even further. I have already been diagnosed with PTSD, and I'm basically to the point where I can't handle any stress. Every time I get stressed I can feel the real me sinking deeper into my body. It has gotten to the point where I am afraid I will say or do something I shouldn't because it feels as if my body is going on autopilot. I'm there but not really there, it's a real struggle to stay in the moment. I hope things get better for you, and that you find peace with yourself in some way. It is truly hard, only time will make it better.
Every hidden secret will eventually find light

#439246 - 06/26/13 11:44 AM Re: Shame [Re: bey]
lapchinj Offline

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1485
Loc: New York
Hey Bey,

I don't think that I could have said it any better than Magellan. He made a really powerful statement to all of us who hide our past and are ashamed at what we did and what we are. You don't have to be ashamed here you have a chance to open up and start healing.

Originally Posted By: bey
Shame, embarrassment, anger. What am I supposed to do with this?

Share with us your pain, shame, embarrassment and anger. The idea that you can start a thread opening up to 11,000+ members here is a big start here at MS. We all all heal when you open up and tell your story.

Sorry you had do come here in the first place, but you will find a friendly and caring family here. You will also find the resources here needed to heal.

Good luck and welcome aboard.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Stick around, It will get better....🌹🌹🌹

#441306 - 07/19/13 03:32 AM . [Re: bey]
JoeSmith Offline

Registered: 05/04/13
Posts: 129


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