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#440988 - 07/16/13 03:00 AM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
Rustam Offline

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 474
Loc: UK
There is nothing to be embarrassed about, the aftermath of abuse or difficult childhoods and other circumstances mean that connections with others can be very difficult for us. Being real here is some connection. I dont have many friends never have had. The family I was born into was pretty awful so I have had nothing to do with them in many years, family of choice for me are my few friends and partner, I really like some of his family too. I never expected to be able to have a long term relationship but it did happen, I was pretty settled in my mind that it could not happen. I dont have any advice but life has a way of surprising us and we can learn new ways of doing things, our pasts are not necessarily a guide to what our futures become.

#441039 - 07/16/13 02:58 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline

Registered: 01/01/11
Posts: 1598
Loc: California
Thanks for your response, Rustam. You're so incredibly lucky to have a partner at least.

I seem to be fundamentally broken - no close friends and no lover. I have tried for decades now, and failed. I'd have to consider the prospect of romance or finding a partner "impossible" this late in the ballgame. Fuck - I can't even make FRIENDS!!

No idea how Survivors are meeting people, falling in love, and making partners with others. Not a clue. The older I get, the more confusing and confounding it is. I really think there is something wrong with me. I'm literally the only person I know who's never been in love or had a LTR. I've lived in San Francisco for 20 years now - I've never had a boyfriend for fucks sake.

In lieu of any love in my life, I've made my career on things I love based on suggestions of people trying to help. They promised that pursuing my passions would bring me fulfillment. After working in my field for over 15 years, I wonder when does it become fulfilling? Were they lying? Now I feel cheated out of that as well.

Life is very very very unfair.

What a pathetic miserable little fuck of a retarded life. I'm the product of a rape, pure and simple. I should have never been born.

Sorry to dump this on you Rustam. You had me until you said "my partner". I'm in pure agony here. I have NO ONE.

Edited by Magellan (07/16/13 07:30 PM)

#441068 - 07/16/13 07:54 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Hey, my fraternal brother,

Magellan, you do have friends & maybe you can also call then brothers & a part of your MS family.

You are not alone in your emotions & feelings about totally being alone. I've been lucky in these past 4 years & 4 months, since i came back to the USA. A straight & married , friend of mine in Texas opened his heart & home to me for a shade over a year until he asked me to leave. He didn't know that i was a closeted gay guy.
Then, there was another person, a straight person, that was here in MS and he and i had become fraternal brothers, as we were helping each other along on this journey to recovery. We had thought of a weekend of recovery between the two of us, i would drive up from Texas to Kansas. When we spoke he was thinking in weeks & i was thinking the next weekend. So, i show up at his house, he opens the door & suprise there stood that shy & lonely Irishmoose from Texas. We hit it off pretty good together respecting each others boundaries. When i told him that i was going to have to find another place to live, either rent a house or an apartment. He told me that being that he lives alone in a house with 3 bedrooms that i could move in with him, i'd pay a reasonable rent & do things around the house, etc.
So, i pack up all my wordly posessions in my pickup & head for Kansas. Not only did he open his home & heart to this gay guy, but i was accepted as a part of his family as well.
They know about my hate & fear of females & extreme shyness. I have a standing invitation for breakfast on Saturdays, dinner on Sundays & any holiday. I have been to a few.
Talk about the odd couple he's straight & i'm gay, but again we respected each other & each others boundaries.
Since i've been here with him & we usually go everywhere together on weekends shopping, eating out or a movie.
He knows and understands my extreme shyness, lack of social skills & aversion to being in crowds. He has brought me along a bit in the shyness area. He was my mentor in getting me to have the courage to go to the Gay/Lesbian/Transgender MCC community in Missouri, which i belonged to for a while.
The main reason i went there was to find a partner, silly me everyone there already had a partner & a few were married to each other. I thought i needed some spiritual help & if i went to services on Sunday evenings well surely i'd meet one there. Never happened. Whould would partner up with a 71 year old guy? From Texas, no less?

Being out from the closet for almost 4 years, i was taking care of myself in the sex part. But you can only take your fantisies & imagination so far. I sure didn't want to put myself at risk by going to a Gay Bar, for a one night stand,everyone who has known me told me not to do it alone. That would have been my last resort because of my shyness & plus i'm a recovered alcoholic, so i don't put myself in a position of being around alcohol.Well there was no one here to go with me.

Now, young Pete (my inner child) & i are moving back to Texas. To an apartment complex in hopes that i'll have to courage to go out to put my shyness, self imposed isolation & lack of social skills aside.
To find someone who would even at my age want to love & care for each other for the rest of our lives.

Perhaps my fraternal brother there is a MCC commuity in your area that accepts gays & there you will be with our own kind, and who knows, maybe even find a partner. Someone to share your love with.

This will be the first time in my life that i will be totally alone by myself. No friends, no family (here in the USA), just me and a young gay boy named Pete.

We sure can never escape those things that happened to us as young boys/adolescents. We can never get our innocense & purity back. We can never get our lost love or self esteem back. Our confidence in ourselfs is constantly tested.

Yes, my brother, Magellan life wasn't fair to us boys, now men.
That was then & now is now. Things aren't as hopeless as you feel. Remember your family right here and now in MS. We are your connection to this planet, we walk together heart to heart, soul to soul, arm in arm.

Be kind & gentle on young Magellan, as He is You. Believe in yourself & above all my fraternal brother love yourself.

In the end all i can do for you is give you my compassion, understanding, hope & love to get you through these rough times.

Long winded & most likely it's of no help for you or anybody.

Take care, Be safe. Never lose HOPE.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.

#441081 - 07/16/13 09:47 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
lapchinj Offline

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1485
Loc: New York
Hey Magellan,

You have at least us. You have all the right to have been born.

You are a very sweet and helpful person.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Stick around, It will get better....🌹🌹🌹

#441725 - 07/22/13 01:51 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 10:45 PM)

#441752 - 07/22/13 06:08 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline

Registered: 01/01/11
Posts: 1598
Loc: California
Thanks you guys. smile

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