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#441064 - 07/16/13 03:36 PM I donít want
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3950
Loc: settling in the USA again
I donít want to talk about it;
it feels intrusive to answer questions.
I donít want your commiserating pity;
it feels too condescending.
I donít want reassuring hugs:
they feel constrictive and confining.
I donít want you to protect me:
it makes me feel weak and pathetic.
I donít want conciliatory agreement;
it feels like you are humouring me.
I donít want your words of sympathy;
they sound fake and belittling.
I donít want you to be understanding;
there is no way you could ever know.

But there was once a little boy
who needed all those things above.
He didnít ever get them, though
and now he always feels that hunger:
to be kept safe, to be fixed, to be held,
for someone to know and understand
and intervene and make it all right.

I know that he still needs it all
but his needs and my wants
are working at cross purposes.

I think Iíd like a little rage;
maybe he would too.

lee
07 Ė 16 Ė 13
_________________________
"the scariest thing about abuse of any shape or form, is, in my opinion, not the abuse itself, but that if it continues it can begin to feel commonplace and eventually acceptable."
- Alan Cumming, "Not My Father's Son"

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#441072 - 07/16/13 04:05 PM Re: I donít want [Re: traveler]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6287
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
let the lion roar!
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#441366 - 07/19/13 02:17 PM Re: I donít want [Re: traveler]
Dave PNW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/03/13
Posts: 129
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Thanks Lee. This really hit home for me this morning. You expressed something I have been trying to get my thoughts and words around for days. I have this smoldering rage that is just below the surface. Your words helped me open some of this up. Thanks man.

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#441473 - 07/20/13 01:30 PM Re: I donít want [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3950
Loc: settling in the USA again
dw -

i am glad that you felt that it helped you.

i read it to my wife - after giving a strong disclaimer that i did NOT want her to take it as a criticism of her efforts to help me - or as a request to change her way of relating to me. i just wanted to explain how it is that sometimes i have these contradictory feelings and desires and that the inner conflict is difficult for me to deal with - sometimes i just get paralyzed in the tug-of-war. she did not take it as well as i had hoped - but more personally - and was hurt by what she thought it meant.

i told her at that point that the little boy version of me needed a hug and we cried together. from now on i am going to try to give her cues as to whether i need to relate as the grown-up independent version or the little lee version. it may help save us from misunderstandings.

and i am starting to see and feel flickers of the rage - that has been deeply buried and out of sight and touch for soooooooooo long. like i tried to indicate - i have a suspicion that it might bring little lee and big me together.

lee
_________________________
"the scariest thing about abuse of any shape or form, is, in my opinion, not the abuse itself, but that if it continues it can begin to feel commonplace and eventually acceptable."
- Alan Cumming, "Not My Father's Son"

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#441485 - 07/20/13 04:25 PM Re: I donít want [Re: traveler]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6287
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
i remember feeling exactly like this many many times.
it has been so long, now, that i had forgotten these emotions.
thanks for reminding me how much i have healed since then.
no matter how many problems i have,
at least i don't have that one anymore.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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