I don't know if I belong here. My circumstances have greatly affected my life though, so here goes.
There were 5 children. The three youngest were all about 1 1/2 -2 years apart. The problem was the middle child, a boy, and the youngest girl. I was 2 years younger and my sister was 1 1/2 years younger than me. My mother had real bad depression and was hiding from dealing with us, and my father had a girlfriend and was gone most of the time.
My brother physically abused me from before I could remember. My mother left me in the car with him one time and he burned me with a cigarette lighter. She told me about it like it was nothing. There were many beatings and humiliations over the years. But nothing sexual from him, just a lot of beatings. In a hint of things to come, when my oldest sister was 16 and I was 8, she took a shower with me. I remember her undressing, and getting in the shower with me, but its a blank after that. I remember everything right up until that, and then nothing. She was quite well developed so my mind must have been on overload. Maybe nothing happened. She had all kinds of problems like attempted suicide, and when I was 6 or so I caught her doing something sexual with her pet male boxer. I didn't know what was going on at the time. Not surprisingly the poor dog would jump me and the other kids too before my mother got rid of him.
The real problems started when I was about 12. The beatings continued on a daily basis. One time some kids were beating me up on a school bus, and instead of defending me, he joined in. I wouldn't ride the bus anymore so my father beat me for that. He finally relented and drove me to school himself because I simply refused to ride the bus. If I had something my brother wanted he took it. I had to gulp my food down. One time he was about to take my food away so I spit on it, and he really beat me to a pulp. After that I just handed it over. I would just ball up on the floor and absorb the blows and kicks. Then things took a dark turn.
We had all taken baths together and it was no big deal, but my parents let it go on for far too long. I remember my sister's breasts were beginning to develop when my father finally told me I couldn't do that anymore. Fine with me. I knew it was wrong, so I stopped. It was not ok with my brother, what he wanted, he took. If you tell us we can't do something, we were going to do it.
My sister used to tease both me and my brother relentlessly. Playing with fire is a family trait. She would wear bra and panties all the time. And they didn't cover much. She even had a set you could see through. I was in a state of constant sexual arousal, and masturbated so much its insane. Five or six times on a slow day. One time I got so sick I couldn't relieve myself for a few days. She came into my room wearing a almost nothing, showed her self off, and left saying 'have fun'. I found out later I had hepatitis, but I still managed to masturbate 4 times in quick succession. My back was killing me, my head pounded and I was sweating profusely. Didn't matter.
While all this was going on, my sister, but especially my brother, would taunt me and tell me how small my penis was. It was definitely smaller than his. Years later my sister said that he was a 'mutant'. When I asked what she meant she said 'did you see the size of that thing?'. I had and she was right. It was huge. She also told me he was always hard. Was she messing with me again? I have to admit I was very aroused. Guilt and shame anyone?
Finally things went to far. One day (she was 14 I was 16, and he was 18) I heard some shouting and screaming coming from the bathroom. I went to see what was going on and right before me was my brother and sister, both stark naked. He had broken in on her while she was taking a shower and was sexually assaulting her. She was screaming and telling me to do something. I just stood there watching. He hit her really hard and she quit fighting so much. I remember distinctly seeing his hand going down to guide himself. It looked huge. I was frozen. He didn't even pay any attention to me, but continued what he was doing. It just went on and on. She came around and poked him in the eye as hard as she could. He doubled up in pain with his hands over his eye, and she was able to get away. I could see blood between his fingers as he clutched his eye. After that she went to live with the neighbors, who already had 8 children, but took her in anyway. I almost never saw her, and we didn't talk for a long time, but later we became close. I never asked her anything, or even tried to discuss it. We finally talked about it 25 or so years later. To my shame I was very aroused. My brother moved away and has a long history of drug abuse and arrests. She took up with the oldest boy, and before long I was told she was pregnant. She got married and had a son. I went to see the baby and it look just like her. I mean exactly. I never breathed a word to anybody and I quit wondering a long time ago. He's 36 now and has a little girl of his own. She is now 6 and I love her to death. I like hunting for crawdads in the creek and catching fireflies with her. I like teaching her things like words and how things work. I just want things to be normal for a change.
-----trigger warning-inflicting pain on private parts----
I feel lots of shame for many things. I'm addicted to pornography, and not just a little bit, and have a wicked 22 year pot habit that I've been trying to break free from for 2 years now. I've had to set the masturbation record, and not surprisingly I have an intense incest fetish. For years I was sexually attracted to both my sisters, but especially the younger one. That has fortunately passed completely. I also have a penis fetish with a folder on my external drive pack with pictures of penises of all shape and sizes. Mostly large ones. I have over the years stuck rose thorns, pins and needles in my penis. It really aroused me to see the blood pour out. Fortunately haven't done that in years, and have no desire to now. The last mutilation craving was years ago. I have never married, and have trouble relating to women. Sometimes I really hate them. Despite a high IQ and a masters degree, I barely get by running my father's business that he left me. I struggle with depression every day. There is no way I could ever hold a regular job. I'd starve first. I have heart disease but chain smoke, and its pretty obvious I'm killing myself. I just don't know how to break out of this self loathing.
Edited by ModTeam (07/13/13 12:04 AM)
Edit Reason: added trigger warning