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#440524 - 07/10/13 03:47 AM How to start?
acj32 Offline

Registered: 05/16/13
Posts: 5
My H accidentally told me about his CSA about 2 months ago. It was in the middle of us arguing and he just blurted it out. I don't think he meant to disclose to me. I believed him and would support him in anyway I can but there are just a couple things bugging me--

1. Ever since I found out about the CSA, I found myself started to link and analyze his behavior..and I usually find myself doing this when we are arguing which let me think about all the problems we have. And a lot of the times I can't help but think it's all because of that evil thing that happened! 

I don't like to analyze and link because I feel like I am "judging" H in a way frown  Can the spouses share some experience with this and how to not cross the line?

2. H does not see the link of his behaviors and his CSA at all. One time I told him what I have learned from books and here about his certain behaviors have to do with the CSA ex. Trust issue, anger, runs away from responsibility..etc. He was stunned by the connection. However couple of days later, he re-stated that he always has those problems and it has nothing to do with his CSA. 

H just acts like everything is not a big deal ..since it happened almost 25 years ago and he has "dealt" with it already, which is, as he told me, decided not to think about it at all since he turned 18.  But to me, it has not been dealt with at all. 

 We don't have health insurance so I haven't really looked into a T.  I was originally looking into support groups or sth like that. But H insists on not telling anyone else. 

My question is how I can facilitate the "start" of the healing process? I know everyone here mentioned that it really has to do with the survivor and he will start only when he wants to. But isn't there ANYTHING at ll that I can do? Sometimes I just feel like I am pushing a stubborn cow to move and I am getting so angry and impatient. 

#440554 - 07/10/13 02:30 PM Re: How to start? [Re: acj32]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
My H disclosed in a similarly unprepared fashion. He wasn't ready so it took a while for him to seek help.

The guys on here can give you better advice than I can most likely but I would just say - go gently with him. Even going gently you will probably step on an emotional landmines, eat some words, say the wrong stuff, and make a multitude of other mistakes. It's all OK.

Learn, read, post here a lot. That is the start.

Hopefully some of the guys will pop in and respond.

#440640 - 07/11/13 03:09 PM Re: How to start? [Re: acj32]
Disappointed Offline

Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 542
Loc: U.S.A.
That's tough.

My friend- he was in therapy when I met him, and he's still in therapy 5 years later. Getting better, but it's watching a glacier melt. Sure is slow....

Have no idea what to suggest. If he reads, maybe give him a book? Beyond Betrayal by Gartner (sp?) might be good.

#440695 - 07/12/13 03:56 AM Re: How to start? [Re: acj32]
acj32 Offline

Registered: 05/16/13
Posts: 5
It is really tough....but I feel like it is only on me. H just doesn't care about this issue.

We actually just started reading that book! Beyond Betrayal...however I don't know how much it will help....him and us. I find it really organized and helpful and really easy to get the point. We are still in the first chapters of the book. H basically "look" through it but not "read" it. His abuser is female (sister) and the majority of the examples in the book are male so he just doesn't relate to any of the points that are made in the book. And I tried to explain that even though every case is different but you can still apply the principles and self-reflect but the more I "explain" the more I piss him off. Hope we will soon get to chapter 7 which focus on female abuser.

Thank you sugarbaby and disappointed..,your words made me feel a little better already..knowing that I am not the only one that is frustrated. Thank you!!!!

#440816 - 07/14/13 02:26 AM Re: How to start? [Re: acj32]
Castle Offline

Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 758
you all have started.

I don't have much advise... As a survivor of sibling abuse (brother), , and friends with multiple survivors of female sibling abuse...I just want you to know that has some of its own challenges... and too go gentle on both of you.

I hope you can find the help you need and keep Ken singer's words in mind..." this is not a DIY project".

Richard Gartner s book is a great start, regardless of the sex of the perpetrator. Consider also Mike Lews book... and a bit further down the line kens book.

Good luck.

#442336 - 07/27/13 02:00 PM Re: How to start? [Re: acj32]
pittsburgh Offline

Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 105
Loc: west Chester, Pa
I am sorry to hear that you are having to deal with a very tough issue like this, it is not easy. It has taken me years to try to come to some terms with CSA, I am still working on it, what I am saying is expect it to be a slow process, the male ego, pride, just is not given process this. I would also suggest Mike Lew's book, I does have information on female preps. NO matter whether male or female the effect on the victims is much the same. It's just that if female much of society an the victim's themselves look on it as something of a positive experience for the boy. This cannot be further from the truth. I wish you the best in your and his journey it is a process.
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

#446883 - 09/11/13 06:28 AM Re: How to start? [Re: acj32]
Joy1980 Offline

Registered: 12/21/11
Posts: 11
You're not alone. My H was also abused by his sister. It does make things a bit harder, I think, because it's harder to relate to the anecdotes in the books. Just wanted to encourage you to keep reading, even if he doesn't. He may indicate interest at some point, and then you'll be more informed.


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