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#44042 - 12/12/03 10:19 AM Re: Compulsive masturbation
MrDon Offline

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
For many years of my life I engaged in the activity daily (and often many times daily). Of course I grew up with the you will go blind, etc... And during these times, I was basically a slave to masturbation. I didn't think there was anyway out or that it would ever quit. In addition to that I sought out porn places and pretty much my life revolved around sex, work, some sleep, sex, work, etc... and occasionally I would remember to eat food.

I never thought that I would be able to leave this type of a world or go a day without masturbation. I just thought I was doomed to this life. Then zoloft found me and well that changed a lot of this because it was more effort than it was worth and I am not always a patient person.

But something else changed within me because as I learned more about myself and began to accept myself, my focus started shifting in life. This did happen slowly and took some time, but it did change.

Now I've been with my partner for over 4 years, and masturbation doesn't control me any longer. Oh yes, I still engage in the activity from time to time but not anywhere close to the degree I once did. I can see some of the "HALT" things and how they applied to me. Probably being lonely was one of those. However until I got to the point in my life that my life began to change, I was of course lonely.

I've since learned as I looked back that I didn't need to worry as much about masturbation as I did while I was at that stage of my life. Because it was part of the process that I had to go through. Maybe some in the world would disagree with that, but I know it to be true for myself.

And to be honest, masturbation is a fun activity... it is not harmful to others.... it does not get you diseases... don't think it makes you go blind.... and didn't ruin my sex life.. actually might of enhanced it. **grin**

It is intersting to read all of the observations and thoughts that everyone does have on this subject. All I ever heard was from the teachings of churches and that was pretty biased.


In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!

#44043 - 12/12/03 07:54 PM Re: Compulsive masturbation
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
yes, that makes more sense. But it still only needs any two from four to set me off.

We can learn so much from other groups such as AA, in the end we're all at a place we don't want to be.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#44044 - 12/18/03 03:20 PM Re: Compulsive masturbation
zoltin Offline

Registered: 10/13/03
Posts: 37
Loc: Southern Illinois
I am SO glad you brought this up and SO glad I picked today to come back to this forum.

I struggle with this all the time and have posted about it here before. A few weeks ago, I chucked a big pile of porn, but still kept a few mags. I'm fascinated with the stuff in the quote above. I would just LOVE to have such a sexual relationship with a woman. And I have observed that over the years, it has taken more and more to arouse me with porn.

I have been asking "god" to remove my desire to look at the magazines. I see no problem, though, with masturbating with a fantasy in mind. I could see where I might want to stop that, though, if I had the chance to be with a woman of mystery as described above. I did stop smoking cigarettes by asking to have the desire to smoke removed, just like with the booze and drugs.

I know I'm rambling.

For me, shame has been about not believing that I am "enough." In a sense, I have never believed that I deserve a healthy relationship with an attractive woman. So I look at the magazines, where the women are "perfect." Like the SA'er and my mother are both telling me that I shouldn't want a woman, that I don't deserve it, that Mommy is the only woman for me. When an attractive woman shows an interest, I can easily get into obsessing on her. When it doesn't work, I can easily transfer the obsession back to the magazines. Last two women I have seen warning signs early and did not get into obsessing.

In the last year, I have learned that my mother sexualizes everything. It was always there, but I had always become unconscious and panicked and tried to justify her behavior. I began setting boundaries with her several years ago, never discussing my love life. I have had to set firmer boundaries about her physical health when it involves anatomy below her waist. The sexualizing behavior was there all along, but I had not recognized it before a year ago. If she treated me that way as a child, it's no wonder I needed to masturbate and to keep it up all my life and to have all of womankind spread out on the bed in front of me.

Last year, I actually had a sexaul fantasy about my mother. A friend advised me to go into and under the fantasy to see what was there. It turned into a spiritual experience.

I, too, turn off the TV. I cannot watch commercial TV, but only watch movies or HBO and such. Other than the porn in my closet, I try to ignore American sex culture. I watched a movie called Roger Dodger. Roger was in advertising and said that his job was to make people feel miserable. Isn't that the sexualized images - that we will never have anyone like Brittney, so we are miserable.

As for desiring or fantasizing about sex with men - that doesn't really have to do with childhood SA, does it? I occasionally have fantasies about men, too, but don't think much about it. I do believe I am bi-sexual, but do not choose to act on it. I thought bi-sexuality was a biological fact. I refuse to fear it. And I do not believe for one minute what that man did to me made me gay.

I'm not sure what purpose the porn serves - maybe to contain my sex urge until I feel good enough about myself to contain it myself. Gonna get mystical here, so I'll shut up.

Any comments, anyone? Am I making sense or am I crazy?


#44045 - 12/18/03 08:22 PM Re: Compulsive masturbation
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
you agree with the article where Naomi Wolf states that constant exposure to porn desensetizes us guys- so do I.

It's certainly a problem with internet porn.
My experience is that I get triggered to go looking for a certain type of image, male-male bj's, and I start the search.
I find those type of images very easily, they're everywhere for free.
But the first one doesn't seem quite right somehow, so I keep looking. It's still not exactly right, so I look some more.
An hour or two later I'm still looking. But by this time I'm mad and frustrated, the connection has probably been lost so I've had to log on again and try to get back to where I was, I've lost my erection, I'm mad at myself for being in this state, I'm just f*****g furious !
But I have to carry on until the conclusion.

When I do find the 'ultimate' picture I often save it to a floppy disc ( aptly named ) because I think that this is the only picture I will ever need.
And it never is, I wipe it clean every time.

A true sexy, erotic, picture doesn't seem to be the same though. We've had February of the Kylie Minogue calendar taped to the workshop wall all year, and all the guys agree it's a very sexy picture.
But a hardcore porn picture wouldn't have the same effect I'm sure. Because we know that there's more and harder available. Kylie always has some clothes on, and the fantasy stays alive.

The other guys might start asking questions as well if a male-male bj porn pic suddenly appeared \:D


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#44046 - 12/20/03 12:40 AM Re: Compulsive masturbation
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1984
Loc: Flint, Michigan
I've been following this thread for the last week. This is something that applies to me, but I don't know exactly what I want to say about it. Or if I even wanted to admit it.

Yes, masturbation is a natural act and everybody does it. That is not the problem, it's when it becomes and obsession that it is. Fantasy is good, provides a good release, but that to is harmful when it passes the fantasy stage and enters obsession. I also have an addiction to porn, this played a part in my divorce. That addiction I understand its basis.

As Dave, it only takes some of the H.A.L.T. to begin masturbating, in my case it may only one to do it for me. This isn't a complete list. There has to be more, it's like I expect myself to masturbate. A compulsion.

This morning I woke up, turned of the alarm and began masturbating. This morning's fantasy involved men, something that is not that normal for me, but has been recently. Somewhere in my fantasy it triggered a little flashback. I lost my erection only to continue on. Only stopping to get to work before I was too late for work.

The fantasies I use during the act mostly revolve around some sort of abuse, acts to lessen the abuse, and the betrayal of trust. My masturbatory fantasies are based upon my abuse and my cheating wives.

Porn and masturbation were my only sexual outlet for many years. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I first had consentual sex at age 15. This triggered me something fierce, left me feeling like I did to her what they had done to me. I had always felt that sex was dirty and abusive, it was the only experience I had ever had with it. So I was left with only porn and masturbation for the next 12+ years. Then at 27, I had sex consentual sex again, instead of being triggered, I could see how much she enjoyed it. So I was able to have sex again. But never lost the obsession, habit, or whatever you want to call it. This was my way of life.

I could always masturbate. Having sex was a different thing. Many flashbacks have happened. Many me trying to live out a fantasy with my then-wife, only to be triggered by it, killing the ability to continue. Whereas in masturbation I can control the fantasy, and flashbacks are rarer, and the expected results come. But even with flashbacks within a masturbation session, I can and do continue.


Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

#44047 - 12/20/03 09:51 AM Re: Compulsive masturbation
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
This is not at all a problem with me...but IS a problem to a friend that I recently posted about. would it be all right to copy the posts of this thread and send them to him? There are some good thoughts and ideas here...and since it is public forum, I did not think people would mind so much. It is just that he is at home with his family right now, and I am not sure if he would want to actually come to this site while around his parents.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

#44048 - 12/20/03 10:15 AM Re: Compulsive masturbation
markgreyblue Offline

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
this is hard for me i have never admitted to a group that masturbation has been pretty much my sex life
- and was getting uncontrollable as a teen until I somehow cut off (pscyhologically) everything -
romantic involvement (the kind I wanted)
and sexual feeling - the kind I wanted -
when i did later become involved
i was blown away - unprepared and devastated-
time and again -

i have trust issues -

and while masturbation can be fun like the previous posts said

it is now:

" a miserable existence and I keep thinking that it wouldn't happen if I just had a normal sex life."

"I am particularly susceptible when .."

- stressed and lonely

It's become a crutch --

I am learning with a t how to relate to
myself and what I would like in a
healthy way -


" not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous

#44049 - 12/20/03 04:48 PM Re: Compulsive masturbation
zoltin Offline

Registered: 10/13/03
Posts: 37
Loc: Southern Illinois
It's pretty plain with this thread that we have all associated sex with some kind of abuse. In some cultures, masturbation is considered abuse of self, particularly for men.

I think that being sexual involves aggression for men and we get mixed up between the SA and what we do with a partner. If the penis is not erect, there can be no penetration. Is that a form of aggression? Is sex impossible without aggression?

Masturbation, on the other hand, gives me the idea that I am not being aggressive. That sounds like a justification when I write it out. My mother was/is so g** d*** passive aggressive! And my SA'er was a church leader, so neither god nor mother were safe for me. Masturbation, as has already been said, provides a feeling of safety.

I have been very sad the past couple of days and tried to stay with the feeling. This morning, though, I felt I had to masturbate and did so. Before I climaxed, I realized that I could stop and go on, or finish tonight, or whatever. But I went on anyway and felt that I had cheated a potential lover. That's the guilt/shame I live with over masturbation. Withholding.

I am very tired today. The last two days have been very emotional, sad. Like something has muddied my water.


#44050 - 12/21/03 11:58 AM Re: Compulsive masturbation
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Moderator Emeritus

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
Rick B wrote"
Masturbation, on the other hand, gives me the idea that I am not being aggressive.
In the context of this post, Rick is accurate. However, think about all the euphemisms we have for male masturbation: Whacking off, beating off, choking the chicken, pounding the pud, yanking it, spanking the monkey, flogging the dolphin, squeezing the rat, jerking off, skinning the lizard, etc.

And on the other hand (no pun intended), what are the euphemisms for female masturbation?

Few and far between. I've heard "pleasuring myself". Guys don't seem to have any soft/peaceful terms. I wonder why?


Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#44051 - 12/21/03 02:46 PM Re: Compulsive masturbation
brian-z Offline

Registered: 07/11/02
Posts: 770
Loc: Western USA
Female Masturbation Euphemisms

A night in with the girls
Airing the orchid
Auditioning the finger puppets
Banana in your box
Bangin' the hood
Beat the beaver
Beat the clit
Beating around the bush
Beaver bop
Bisecting the triangle
Brushing the beaver
Buff the weasel
Buffin' the muffin
Burro ride through Grand Canyon
Buttering up the whisker biscuit
Carpet bumping
Cat got your tongue
Cuddle your clit
Checking for squirrels
Choking the oyster
Churning butter
Clam bake for one
Cleaning the fish
Cleaning your fingers
Cleaving it to Beaver
Clit clamp
Clubbin' the nubbin'
Coming into your own
Composing on the single key piano
Cook the clam
Cook your nookie
Cradle the cooch
Cucumber in your cooze
Cuddling the kitty
Cup your cunt
Dialing the rotary phone
Dickless dildo dance
Diddling the bean
Digging a trench
Digging for clam
Dip your digits
Do the nasty
Doing your nails
Double clicking your mouse
Dousing the digits
Drawing inside the lines
Drilling for maiden water
Drowning the crabs
Engaging in safe sex
Engaging in a hot button issue
Erasing the problem
Fanning the fur
Feed the beaver
Feed the cat
Feeding the bearded clam
Feeding your slot
Feel the fur
Fiddle with your middle
Fiddling the bean
Finger blasting
Five knuckle gusset shuffle
Flickin' the bean
Flickin' your clit
Flipping the switch
Flit the clit
Flounder feeling
Fluff your muff
Fondling the flaps
Fucking without complications
Furry finger fuck
Gagging the cat
Gagging the clam
Gagging the lips of love
Genital stimulation via phalangetic motion
Get a date with slick mittens
Get a lube job
Get nasty
Get to know yourself
Get a stinky pinky
Giving lip service
Giving the fuzzy bunny a carrot
Giving yourself the finger
Going mining
Groping the grotto
Greasing the slit
Greasing your hips
Grissle rub
Grooving the groove
Gusset typing
Harmonious hand hump
Having some clam dip
Having sex with someone you love
Hee-haw with wrinkled mee-maw
Hello Kitty
Hiking the canyon
Hitchhiking south
Hitchhiking to Heaven
Hitchhiking under the big top
Hump the bump
Ironing some wrinkles
Itch the ditch
Itching the scratch
Jerkin' your merkin
Jillin' off
Jocelyn Eldering
Kit Kat shuffle
Knuckle fucking
Knuckle shuffle
Ladle out the gravy boat
Leave it to beaver
Let the fingers do the walkin'
Levy break limbo
Lick your lips
Lovin' your oven
Make the tide come in
Making soup
Manual override
Massaging the mistress
Mauling the Maid
Melting snow
Merry widow waltz
Muffin buffin'
Non-penile pleasure pursuit
Nulling the void
Nuzzle your fuzz
Oiling the puss
Orchid grinding
Ordaining the valley
Paddling the pink canoe
Palmolive finger dip
Pampering the pussy
Panning for gold
Parting the Red Sea
Parting the waters
Pearl fishing
Pet the petunia
Pet the pussy
Petting the poodle
Piddle the pooter
Pipe cleaning
Polishing the nugget
Polishing the peanut
Polishing the pearl
Polishing your nails
Pound the mound
Plan B
Play the clitar
Playing couch hockey for one
Playing poke-her
Playing the old one-key piano
Playing the silent trombone
Playing with her pineapple
Playing with Mrs. Palmer's five daughters
Playing with the ferret
Playing with the man in the boat
Plumbing the bottomless pit of passion
Pull your clit 'til you spit
Punishing the pink
Punt your cunt
Pushing the button
Pussy soccer
Quackle the queen
Quim slippin'
Renting a boat for one in central park
Riding the unicycle
Ringing for service
Rolling the dough
Rolling the pebble
Rounding the mound
Rowing your one man canoe
Rub your cooze 'til you ooze
Rubbin' the nubbin
Rubbing the donut
Rubbing the red pussycat
Scoring the hoop
Scratch your snatch
Scrubbing the dishpan
See if the baby's home
Shadow boxing
Shaking hands with Mr. Lincoln
Shelling the oyster
Slapping the south mouth
Soak your seat
Soaking the whisker biscuit
Spank the fish
Spearing the bearded clam
Spinning the record
Split your slit
Splittin' the kitten
Squeeze the peach
Stirring the clam chowder
Stirring the trough
Stroke the peekaboo Nellie
Stroke your slit
Strokin' and pokin'
Strumming the banjo
Stuffing the turkey
Surfing the channel
Swat your twat
Sweeping the streets of Tuna Town
Teasing the kitty
Teasing the tuna taco
Testing the batteries
Testing the plumbing
Tibetan self-inflicted crotch nuzzle
Tickling the bean
Tickling the Elmo
Tickling the (tuna) taco
Tiptoe through the twolips
Toggling the bit
Tossing pink salad
Three point shot
Trolling the Bermuda Triangle
Tugging the vertical smile
Tuning the taco
Twaddling the twat
Two finger taco tango
Undergarment typing
Unwrapping the gift box
Vacuuming the carpet
Virgin's release
Walk through the valley of love
Washing your fingers
Watering the grass
Wet your whistle
Yanking the ya-ya

Masturbation is not just a guy thing, it's a human thing. It's something you are going to do at some point. I am willing to say that a compulsive need for porn is not healthy, but I think the occasional extended weneewash in the shower is not unhealthy.

Yes, porn desensitizes us, we need more and more to become stimulated. But at some point you need to draw the line between drowning in porn and normal masturbation. 100 years ago women did not even exspose there ankles. Men still 'loped the mule.' We can hind many was to feel bad about it, but not a real alternative to it. We make up silly euphemisms for it, as even if the word it's self was to shameful to mention. Do we really need 500+ ways to not say masturbation?

Accosting the Oscar Meyer
Addressing MrPalmer
Appropriate the means
Arm aerobics
Backstroke Roulette
Battling the purple-helmet warrior
Bash the bishop
Bash the Candle
Beat Off
Beat Pete
Beat the Bologna
Beat the Bishop
Beat the Butter
Beat the Dummy
Beat the Meat
Beat the Stick
Bleed the Weed
Blow Your Load
Beat your meat like it owes you money
Bequeath your genes
Beta testing your hardware
Bleed the lizard
Bleed the weed
Bloating the vein
Blow your load
Bludgeon the Beefsteak
Bob the hog
Bombing the German helmut
Bop the Baloney
Box the Jesuit
Boxin' the Bozak
Boxin the Ballsack
Break one off
Break you off at the wrist
Bringing MrWeasel back from the dead
Buck the bone
Buff the banana
Buff the mushroom
Buff the wood
Burp the baldman
Burp the worm
Bust a nut
Butter the corn
Charge the rod
Charm the serpent/snake
Check the oil
Chipping wood
Choke the Chicken
Choke the Sheriff and Wait for the Posse to Come
Choke Charlie 'till he chunders
Chong your schlong
Churning butter
Clean your pipes
Clean Your Rifle
Closing the deal
Clubbing the baby seal
Cocking some soup
Come into your own
Communicating with Red Leader One
Conking the Cardinal
Converse with Harry Palm
Corralling the tadpoles
Crab tease
Crack off a batch
Cracking off
Cracking the bat
Crank the Shank
Crown the King
Cuff the Carrot
Culture the American Blood Sausage
Date Palmala Handerson
Date Rosy palm and her 5 sisters
Diddling the dinky
Dilly with the willy
Dinging the dong
Discipline your soldier
Discussing Uganda
Disobey the Pope
Doin' extra credit
Doin' the Hand Jive
Donkey Spank
Downloading from your own website
Dra en handtralla
Drain Charle's Dickens
Drain the monster
Driving the skin bus
Drizzle the squid
Dry-firing your musket
Dunking the dolphin
Dusting the old trophy
Educating Peter
Empty the cannon
Encapsulate your probe
Erupting Vesuvius
Evacuating Tatooine
Evicting the testicular squatters
Excercise your rights
Express yourself
Extracting some crack spackle
Facha la manuela
Feed the ducks
Feed the fist
Fencing with the pork sword
Fidget with your digit
Fight the Champ
Firing off a round
Firing the flesh musket
Fire the hand cannon
Fire the Surgeon General
Fire the wobbly warhead
Fist Fuck
Fist kebabing
Fist of fury
Fist your mister
Fist Your Monster
Five Against One
Five knuckle shuffle
Fixing the Hubble
Flail the whale
Flog the Dog
Flog the Hog
Flog Your Dong
Flute Solo
Fondle the Fig
Gallop the Antelope
Give It a Tug
Grease the Pipe
Hacerse la manuela
Hacerse la paja
Hack the Hog
Hack off
Hand crank
Hand Job
Hand to gland combat
Hand Work
Have It Off
Having a whack attack
Having a staff meeting
Helping the python shed its skin
Herkin the Gherkin
Hit on Rosy Palm
Hitchhike under the big top
Hittin' the wood
Hump the horn
Hump your hose
Huskin' corn
Hold the bold
Hold the mayo
Ignite the Lightsaber
Infiltrate your crabs
Innoculate the newborn
Introducing the Master of Ceremonies
Jack Off
Jack the corn
Jack the sack
Jack the joystick
Jack your Jizz
Jack your monkey
Jack yourself
Jack'n the beanstalk
Jam the joystick
Jalarle el pescuezo al ganso
Jazz Yourself
Jerk Off
Jerk the Gherkin
Jerk the Turk
Jerk your rope
Jerkin' the jerky
Jerkin' the noodle
Jerkin' the wheel
Jiggling the dice
Jostling your Elder
Juice your fruit
Jumping to Delight Speed
Kill the Pope
Knock on wood
Knuckle shuffle on the old piss pump
Lap-based web browsingrowsing
Lash the length
Launching the Tadpoles
Lehavi Bayad
Lightening the load
Lighting the candle
Lightsaber practice with Captain Solo
Little pinky hit the slinky
Loading the cannon
Locking your roommate out so you can call your parents
Lope the mule
Lope the pork sword
Lube the cord
Make one-eye cry
Make the bald man puke
Make silly with the willy
Making a six-fist
Making duck butter
Making the Kessel Run
Making oyster soup
Making pancakes on your stomach
Making wall-paper paste
Manipulate the mango
Mannin' the Cannon
Manual override
Manually assisted wet dream
Manually increasing the surface temperature of the ship's primary cannon by repeated linear manipulation
Manually targeting the Rebel Base
Massage the fireman's neck
Massage the one-eyed monk
Maximize your potency
Meet MrsPalmer and her five daughters
Meet your right-hand man
Messin' with Moby
Milk the lizard
Milk the maggot
Milk the member
Mix up a batch
Mount a corporal and a four
Murder the Bishop
Mustard on the burger
Nerk Your Throbber
Oil the glove
Onan's olympics
One-eye target practice
One-hand jam
One-man show
One off the wrist
Oscillating the Oscar Meyer
Pack Your Palm
Packaging the ol' sausage
Paddle the Pickle
Paint the Pickle
Paint the CeilingPassing math
Pat the Robertson
Peeling the chile
Performing the Jedi Hand Trick
Perm your poodle
Petting the silk worm
Petting the snake
Petting the Wookie
Phone the czar
Pitch a knuckle ball
Play with your Willy Wanker
Playing closet Frisbee
Playing Nintendo
Playing the fiddle
Playing the flesh trombone
Playing the hairy banjo
Playing the man-flute
Playing the pink oboe
Playing the skin flute
Playing a solo on your meat whistle
Playing soapy Peter
Playing with the pink Power Ranger
Playing with your 6th finger
Playing with your big Alien
Playing Yahtzee
Please your pisser
Pluckin' your chicken
Plunk your twanger
Pocket pinball
Pocket pool
Pocket the rocket
Polish the bayonet
Polish the bishop
Polish the knob
Polish the log
Polish the Oscar
Polish the pole
Polish the rocket
Polish the shooter
Polish the sword
Polish the Viper
Polish Vader's Helmet
Polish your antlers
Polish your helmet
Polish your horn
Polishing Charlie Brown
Polishing Percy
Popping the zit
Portuguese Pump
Pound off
Pound the bobo
Pound the pelican
Pound the pudding
Pound your flounder
Pound your pud
Pow-wow with the one-eyed Redskin
Practice the Heimlich Maneuver
Practice your Kung-Fu Grip
Prime the womb cannon
Puff the one-eyed dragon
Pull off
Pull one out
Pull the ducks neck
Pull the root
Pull the pole
Pull the pope
Pull your pud
Pull the pudding
Pull your prick
Pull Your Taffy
Pulling a solo session
Pulling on Peter
Pulling the goalie
Pummel the love truncheon
Pump the monkey
Pump the python
Pumping gas at the self-service island
Punching the clown
Punchin' the Munchkin'
Punching your puppet
Punish the Harlequin
Punish the penguin
Putting the seminal luge team through their paces
Raise the flag
Rake your meat
Ram the ham
Ravage the innocent
Read 'em his rights
Reenact Old Faithful
Releasing the hostages
Releasing the Special Edition
Rewinding your tape
Ride the great white knuckler
Ringing for the elevator
Rolfing the piglet
Rob the knob
Rockin' the rhubarb
Rollig the dice
Rolling your quarters
Rope the goat
Rope the pony
Rough up the suspect
Rub off
Rub one out
Rub the tub
Rub your head
Ruminating and pondering
Run a batch
Running Peter through two-a-days
Running the whack-a-thon
Sailors' joy
Salute the sailor
Sanding the banister
Schplitzing your schmeckel
Scratching Yoda behind the ears
Sewing the seed
Shake the snake
Shake the weasel
Shakin' hands with little Elvis
Shakin' hands with MrHappy
Shakin' hands with MrWinkie
Shakin' hands with the unemployed
Shakin' hands with Yule Brenner
Shakin' your fist at the ex-girlfriend
Shakin' your hands at the sky
Shakin' your own maracas
Shifting gears
Shine the barrel
Shine your dolphin
Shine the hose
Shine your pole
Shoe shine
Shoot your squirt
Shoot your wak
Shooting craps
Shooting the bedroom gun
Shooting the shark
Shooting Womprats in Beggar's Canyon
Shooting putty at the moon
Shuffle the deck
Sifting through the nest to find mama bird
Single dingles
Siphoning off the tank
Slakin' the bacon
Slammin' the salmon
Slam the ham
Slam the hammer
Slam the salomi
Slam the spam
Slap your head
Slappin' Pappy
Slappin' the Cap'n
Slapping the clown
Slapping the salomi
Slaying the one-eyed monster
Sling some spooge
Sling the jelly
Slog the log
Smacking the sausage
Snap the carrot
Snap the Monkey
Snap the radish
Snap the Rubber
Snap the Whip
Snuggle the nozzle
Soldier's Joy
Soldier's toy
Solo spit
Soviet U-boat Commander Jackoff Ruboneoff
Spackling the ceiling
Spam Wham
Spank the carrot
Spank the frank
Spank the hangdown
Spank the monkey
Spank the Salami
Spank the tank
Spank the wank
Spank your little boy
Spela fickpingis
Spela skinntrombon
Spinning the record
Spit one off
Spit the seeds
Spit-shining the boots
Splat the cat
Sprayin' the spectators
Spreading some super life
Sprinklin' the lawn
Squeeze the cheese
Squeeze the lemon
Squeezing the cream filling from the twinkie
Squeezing the Creamy Filter
Squeezing the squid
Squirt one off
Squirtin' Burton
Straddle your paddle
Strangle MrJesus
Strangle the dangle
Stroking it
Stroking Steven
Stroking the Scooby
Stroking the schlong
Stroke off
Stroke the dog
Stroke the goat
Stroke your ego
Stroke your poker
Stroke the purple-nosed gusset ferret
Stroke the trumpet
Stroke your poker
Stroke your wookie
Strokem your scrotum
Stuck in left field
Suffocate the organ
Surfing on the Milky Highway
Taffy pulling contest
Taffy tugger
Take a beating
Take a load off your mind
Take a ride on the mean spanking machine
Take little Johnny dancing down at Knuckle Junction
Take matters into your own hands
Take ol' stiff neck to the movies
Take yourself in hand
Taking a client up to the Yajima Factory
Taking hand
Tame the bald headed mouse
Tame the monster
Tame the shrew
Teach your dog to spit
Teach yourself a lesson
Teach Yule Brenner some respect
Tease the weenie
Tenderize the meat
Test-fire the Death Star
Test the flashlight
The Five-Knuckle Shuffle
The tube of cream
Thump the Pump
Thropping your marrow
Throw the ball around
Throw out
Thump the pump
Tickling your Elmo
Tickle your pickle
Tinkering with the R2 unit
Trim your antlers
Trim your horn
Tocar con mi pinga
Torment the Trouser Trout
Torquing the wrench
Toss off
Tossing the ham javelin
Train the Love Porpoise
Trying to pull something off
Tug o' war with ol' Cyclops
Tugging the tapioca tube
Tuning the fork
Turn the knob
Tweak your twiddle
Twirl the squirrel
Twist your turnip
Twistin' the Piston
Unleash the fury
Unloading passengers from the five-car train
Unsheathing the meatsaber
Unsheathing the pork sword
Vaccinate the baby
Varnish the flagpole
Virtual sex
Visiting Rosy Palm and her five daughters
Vomit the viper
Wack the weasel
Walk the dog
Walking old one-eye
Wank the crank
Wanking one-eyed Willy
Wanking the one-eyed wonder worm
Wanking the scube
Warming up the altar boys' dinner
Washing the goose's neck
Washing the hog
Wasting babies
Wave the wand
Wax the bean
Wax the board
Wax the Buick
Wax the candle stick
Wax the carrot
Wax the dolphin
Wax the musket
Wax the womb broom
Wax your surfboard
Whack off
Whack on your back
Whack little Mac
Whack the pud
Whack the yak
Whack your Magic Johnson
Whack you willy
Whip off
Whip the dummy
Whip the wire
Whip your dripper
Whippin' the mule
Whippin' the pony
Whippin' the weasel
Whipping Dripping
Whipping your Skippy
Whipping your Willy
Whizzin' Jizzum
Whittling Dixie
Willy spitting
Willy wanking
Winding the Wurlitzer
Wonk your conker
Work off
Workin' the Jerkin
Wrestle the eel
Wrestle the bald-headed champion
Wrestle with Cyclops
Wring out your rope
Wringin' the towel
Wringin' out the tube steak
Yang your wang
Yank off
Yank the crank
Yank the plank
Yank the shank
Yank the yam
Yank the Yoda
Yank your strap
Yank your wank
Yankee your Wankee
Yerk off
Yoinkin' off
Yuckin' your choad
Zoot Flute Riot

I giggled as I wrote this, as if I was doing something naughty. But was I? I was just talking about it but this pointless hardwired shame kick in. After all I am an adult, and am free to do what I want in the privacy of my own home. But we give so much power to this very simple act that we have very little power to control. At some point I'm going to engage in that act, I'm not going to feel guilty over it. At some point I'm going to use a silly euphemisms and giggle like I was back in JR High School. The problem is not masturbation, the problem is thinking we have to be ashamed of something that is not our fault.


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