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#443265 - 08/04/13 06:18 PM Re: "My perp" [Re: WalkingSouth]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5959
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
A longtime ago a fellow survivor on the site and I went around on the "my perp" v. "the perp". Interestingly my perspective was that I was abused by a relative, but I called that person "the perp" where his abuser was a non relative, someone who was in his life as a mentor and he used the term "my perp". He used the term as the abuse happened to him in his teens and late twenties where the abuse I suffered(interesting again that I almost use the term "mine" here) was as a child barely in school. His abuse was after the "home" experience where the abuse I suffered was at my hoe of origin.

I think the experience of the abuse, the amount of shame, gender and age as well as other factors can determine the proprietary stance taken by survivors. I find in writing thus that I struggle with the pronoun versus using the definite article, my observations, good topic as it helps us to consider our perceptions.

"Not my abuser",
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#443291 - 08/04/13 09:42 PM Re: "My perp" [Re: WalkingSouth]
Castle Offline

Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 758
Im a big believer in "the" perp, rather than "my perp".

The shame belongs to him, not me. Its his abuse to carry, sadly I just carry the invisible scars of being his victim.

Blame Mike Lew laugh

#443295 - 08/04/13 10:09 PM Re: "My perp" [Re: Castle]
Chase Eric Offline


Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2553
Five to one say "the" perp vs "my" perp. I reserve the right to be dead wrong as I well could be, and certainly counter-current as I often am. But I suppose at least I can say that makes it "my" work and these words could be "my" mistakes. But they ring true for me, so I'll let them stand here. Always the maverick, I guess.

Interesting insights, never-the-less, and I respect all the views expressed here. They really make me think.

#443310 - 08/05/13 02:03 AM Re: "My perp" [Re: WalkingSouth]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4101
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
I not only say THE perps -- but also THE step-dad and even THE mother.
I want as little as possible connection and relation to any and all of them.

"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

#443332 - 08/05/13 05:38 AM Re: "My perp" [Re: WalkingSouth]
Publius Offline

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 444
Loc: OH
I guess I fall into the "my perp" category although I am not particularly attached to its usage. As I continue to shift more and more blame onto the person responsible for my abuse I personally have become more comfortable with referencing "my abuser." I believe this is because "my abuser" no longer represents a threat to me. The blame, the guilt, and the shame all belong to him and so in calling him "my abuser" I am alleviating myself of all these things while exposing and proclaiming his culpability. Nevertheless, I can see the value in disowning him entirely and choosing a different route just so long as both roads lead to recovery : )
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

#463875 - 04/08/14 09:04 PM Re: "My perp" [Re: WalkingSouth]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16269
Bottom line is that each person is different and maybe even heals from emotional trauma differently. Each person must find what works for them in their recovery. Just as importantly each person in recovery will probably at some point learn to allow his fellow travelers the grace to recovery in a way that works for them. "My perp" or "the perp", whatever terminology we use, if it furthers our healing it's awesome!!! smile
"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

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