i remember two boys, they were older than I was and considerably larger. Their preferred method of scaring the living crap out of me was to throw me on the ground and sit on me. This occurred between the ages of 6 and 10. I've been claustrophobic since I was 6, after getting trapped in a drainage sewer with no one to help me get out.
I remember the terror I felt when these idiots (and a few others) sat on me and triggered my suffocating feeling of being trapped. I also remember the sensations akin to sexual excitement as well.
Although, technically there was nothing sexual going on in a literal sense, apparently my subconcious didn't see it that way. As I have stated, this went on for four years and eventually I became a hermit to avoid it.
My sexual orientation, I believe, is heterosexual by nature. I remember having explicit dreams about a rather beautiful classmate when I was eight and all of my other early fantasies were about girls.
After I became sexual capable at the age of 12, some of this single-mindedness about sex changed. I began to fantasize about myself as well as girls and the fantasies always entailed narcissistic desire to be possessed and dominated by a man or men in a public but very fantasy oriented arena. As I matured, my fantasies went all over the place and at times could be quite demented concerning women. In my real life, I was still enormously attracted to girls and very gentle in my sexual practices. S&M didn't then and hasn't since attracted me in the real world. Pain and I do not do well together, whether giving it or receiving.
Oddly enough, I'm probably one of the few boys who never experimented with anyone of the same sex as a child or teenager, and I never fantasized about normal homosexual relationships. Indeed, I had to marry a woman, not to satisfy any urge to blend into the straight world, but because I thought it would guarantee regular sex, and I did at 21.
I continued my attraction for women, even after my first wife and I divorced. I married a second time at the age of 27 and that lasted about as long as the first, five years.
Part of the problem with women was that I became bored after a while with the sex and reverted to my fantasy sex life, virtually ignoring both women. My ennui started with my first wife after my daughter was born. I simply couldn't get interested in her after that.
Interest in my second wife lasted a bit longer, probably because she was gorgeous, but even that came to an end after 3 or 4 years.
After my second marriage I played the field, deciding that marriage wasn't for me. It was during this period that I began to realize that I had an attraction to men who were attracted to me; pretty much the same narcissistic modus operandi I utilized in my straight life. I also rembered for the first time that there were moments in my past when I felt a sexual attraction with my male friends but I never acted upon them.
By this time I wanted to explore these feelings but fate stepped in. A problem I had developed with an intestinal infection that virtually shut down my entire system, wrecked havoc with my sexual capacity and I spent the next 12 years virtually impotent.
After my 12 year sojourn into unwanted sexual neutrality, fate stepped in once again. Circumstances put me in a situation that surrounded me with nothing but gay men and my sexual urges, slight as they may have been, began to stir. I spent the next two years exploring my newfound attraction and realized that my attraction to gay men was both narcissistic and passive. I wanted a man to dominate me and they wanted to accomadate without the threat I would feel with a straight man.
I am very self-protective. If a potential lover represented a threat, my instincts tell me to eliminate the threat. Gay men eliminated this problem.
During this period I did a lot of thinking. My desire for the bottom position was in direct opposition to my heterosexual preference. Just as I found it difficult to maintain my interest with a woman on top of, I found it impossible to get excited being on top of a man.
I also began to obsess over my experiences as a child and the connection they might have with my adult behavior. I realize there may be other foibles of mine that may have contributed to that behavior, but I couldn't help but feel they were the primary cause.
Any helpful information would be greatly appreciated. I'm asking more out of curiosity than a need to fix myself. It's too late for that. I only wish I had realized all this sooner in my life. I actually liked being gay, even if I find most gay men fatuous and johnny one notes. I say most gay men. There are those few that I connected with on all levels far more deeply than I had ever connected with any female lover.
Thinking about my lost life, does piss me off somewhat and quite frankly, it makes me feel miserable. But what the hell, no one ever said I was a genius. I just wish my subconcious didn't keep so many damned secrets.
Edited by ModTeam (07/06/13 04:23 AM)
Edit Reason: added triggers