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#440177 - 07/06/13 03:06 AM Have not been myself
nolan79 Offline

Registered: 06/23/13
Posts: 32
Loc: sc, united states
The better half of this week has been hell for me. I have struggled so hard to maintain who I am. I have felt like another person since Tuesday. It feels as if my real self is trying to hold on, but the abused me wants to take over. The abused person in me has those images and fantasies about men while the normal me just wants peace. It's as if I struggle to maintain my soul. It's as if the abused me is trying to protect the regular me. I keep having trouble focusing on reality. I am trying to figure out what could be triggering these episodes. I don't personally perceive any immediate danger, but my mind is on high alert. Every time someone talks to me, I have to fight the urge to not run away.

I hate when I get into these phases because it literally takes all of my energy and focus just to act normal around people. One thing I am grateful for is that everyday isn't that way, but when it comes I am miserable until it runs its' course. (just had to let that out)
Every hidden secret will eventually find light

#440212 - 07/06/13 02:01 PM Re: Have not been myself [Re: nolan79]
newground Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 1153
Loc: michigan
you are not alone Nolan those days are all too frequent. and I try to isolate myself when I feel that way because it I feel like I am acting like an ass even with my family sometimes it can feel like I just don't belong here like you I am glad those days are not everyday. but it sucks going through it knowing when I am through I can look forward to it happening again. I hope it gets better for you man
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

#440254 - 07/07/13 03:17 AM Re: Have not been myself [Re: nolan79]
nolan79 Offline

Registered: 06/23/13
Posts: 32
Loc: sc, united states
Thanks jeff. Today was a bit better, but not much. Hopefully, i am making my way towards peace
Every hidden secret will eventually find light

#440326 - 07/08/13 01:47 AM Re: Have not been myself [Re: nolan79]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
Nolan, I have the same problem sometimes too. At times it's hard to remember who I am, what I am doing. And the most exhausting part of how we have changed is that as adult survivors, we are now on constant alert... at least I am. To give you a little example... someone a couple weeks ago pointed out that if they moved in closer to me during conversation, as in "leaning in" as they spoke, I immediately back away. When this was pointed out, I realized this person was correct. I was on alert and no one is allowed into my "space". Unfortunately that space has increased to an unacceptable social level. Without working on this, soon I will be conversing with people from the other end of the football field, thinking its normal.

It takes such an enormous amount of energy to focus and maintain, that sometimes I just give up and stay to myself for a few days. I hope it gets better for you.

For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#454217 - 11/18/13 01:03 PM Re: Have not been myself [Re: nolan79]
Truth2013 Offline

Registered: 11/04/13
Posts: 8
Loc: Maryland
Nolan, I have been having this issue for the last two weeks. I am scared and just don't know what to do. I just want to saty home sometimes.

#457089 - 12/20/13 12:07 AM Re: Have not been myself [Re: nolan79]
Sven Offline

Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 486
Sometimes everything seems to hard to do. Not worth it or impossible. I hope you can make some progress on what triggers it and how to get out of it. Sometimes it might be as simple as going for a walk or run outside or grabbing a beer/coffee with a friend.
The first step to living the life you want, is to leave behind what you don't want.


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