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#440134 - 07/05/13 05:52 PM Seeking some assurance
Elle5 Offline

Registered: 07/05/13
Posts: 4
Might a male SA survivor disclose molestation by someone else to cover up parental abuse. Meaning might one say he was molested by a neighbor when really it was a parent because it might be to embarrassing or uncomfortable or too much of a betrayal to do otherwise? I feel bad I have suspicions and I'd much rather just believe what my husband is telling me...I trust him in all capacities but his story has changed in detail before so this being suspicious of him is very new and uncomfortable for me.


#440137 - 07/05/13 06:48 PM Re: Seeking some assurance [Re: Elle5]
BuffaloCO Offline

Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 490
Hi Elle5, I think it may be possible. I have not told my family yet about the abuse and one of the dudes was a friend of my parents, but he's dead so really not sure if I do tell, that I should ID him. Not like I can do anything about it now. Also know that since starting T, I still have not told my T everything for that reason, but do trust my T's. It's just not easy to let it all out at once. Been doing T since last October so kind of new to it also. Sorry may not be of much help.
�We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.� - Plato

#440199 - 07/06/13 11:55 AM Re: Seeking some assurance [Re: Elle5]
Jacob S Offline

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 699
Loc: where the shadows lie
Our minds do funny things. Remember he is trying to figure it out himself, and that means going to a part of his brain that he for so long tried to shut out. If his story is inconsistent, it may well be that he is still having a hard time remembering it. Or he is conflating multiple abusers into one. I used to know someone who in the course of trying to remember his abuse may have realized that it was his father. That possibility hit him really hard. Really, really hard. I would say that for you to support him, the details of the past don't matter as much as the effect on the present. The specifics may come or they may not. I think how important that is varies from person to person. Don't over-focus on the past if he's not ready to. Just let him share what he wants.
Nothing there. It subsumed me. Black hole in time and space.

And yet.

It seemed like what I was made for.

to be used.

most natural thing in the world.

#440206 - 07/06/13 12:52 PM Re: Seeking some assurance [Re: Elle5]
Candu Offline

Registered: 07/01/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
We all try to make order out of disorder.

It could be that he was abused by a parent and may have blocked that out. Its suggested that trauma memories are stored in a different part of the brain than normal memories.

Take a look at What Are Traumatic Memories?

#440213 - 07/06/13 02:08 PM Re: Seeking some assurance [Re: Elle5]
Elle5 Offline

Registered: 07/05/13
Posts: 4
You have no idea how helpful all of your feedback was. Thank you really might not even be enough. I think it will be the best to focus on him NOW and not to figure him all out back then. He's been through so much and he is the best partner in life. I only want to do what is best and what will help him heal the most. Thank you, again.

#440407 - 07/08/13 10:40 PM Re: Seeking some assurance [Re: Elle5]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
I think, with my H, he was not initially forthcoming with all the details (his age) because he was afraid I would think he had some liability in the abuse. I figured it out as he opened up....not that it mattered. But to him it mattered.

I would think that it is much less painful to say it was a neighbor than to say it was a parent.

#440642 - 07/11/13 03:21 PM Re: Seeking some assurance [Re: Elle5]
Disappointed Offline

Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 542
Loc: U.S.A.
Dear Elle,

Glad you found the feedback helpful. Just to confirm: Yes, it is possible.

My friend told all his friends and family - when he was 11- it was a babysitter. Well, it WAS a babysitter, but years before that, it was a family member.

I was the first person he ever told about the family member, and he was 40 years old when he told me.

It's also true that the incest is 1,000 times more hurtful to confess, so that is much less likely to be admitted. Your own family member hurt you. Your own family member didn't think enough of you to cherish and protect you. Your own family member used you. Your own family member belittled you. It hurts immensely. The hurt that keeps on and doesn't let up.


#440817 - 07/14/13 02:30 AM Re: Seeking some assurance [Re: Elle5]
Castle Offline

Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 758
While there is no comparing abuse... parental incest is pure insanity and has horrific effects on a child. To unravel it takes skill and time.

Consider the fact to "tell" would hurt somebody you love and are taught to respect. You risk the thought of breaking up your family, and carry the shame and secret for the" family" at personal expense.

We're not breaking up our family but finally freeing ourselves of guilt that never belonged to us but we held at our own demise.

Ugly ugly stuff.

Edited by Castle (07/14/13 02:35 AM)


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