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#440033 - 07/04/13 01:05 PM Dating a Survivor Want to Learn More
sbenny Offline

Registered: 07/04/13
Posts: 3
Loc: Texas
Hi Everyone,
I have been reading these posts and this is such an amazing place. It kind of renews my faith in men to see how warm and caring and how much you truly care for each other here. In my experience, these are behaviors that you don't often see in men. It blows my mind to see how you guys have developed these skills; I am so impressed.

Here is a part of my story. I am in love with, and may marry, a man (brilliant and beautiful) who was raped at age 11 by a 17 year old boy at camp. The rape was fast, he was so little and underdeveloped, he was consumed in the older boy's dorm room and immediately after went down to the rec room and was picked up from camp by his father to go home. I mean that within 30 minutes of the rape he was in a car travelling home. I'm sure he sat in the back (his father and his father's friend were in the front so he didn't have to talk) with rectal bleeding, searing pain and a mind and spirit smashed, broken and rocketing into a dark place where it could be protected, and hide.

He never told anyone. Not a word until he was in his forties.

I could go on and on and give you every detail. There are commonalities in the stories here among survivors which must be comforting to those who have been abused; you are not alone. The behaviors and feelings you have are normal and are a direct result of the rape.

My BF has had a much different life than the one he would have had if he had not been violated by sexual brutality. I cannot even describe the way his eyes look when his face is in repose and he doesn't know I am watching him. His default expression is fear and sadness.

He had a brief affair with a man after his second divorce where (in my lay-person therapy brain) he tried to work out where he fit into the world sexually and on the spectrum. His virginity was forcefully stolen by a man and questions of homosexuality plagued him his whole life. And then he felt dirty and ashamed by his exploration as an adult in this affair.

So now he had two secrets from the world and everyone he loved.

He carried this backpack of shame-laden rocks into every professional encounter, love affair, parenting choice, friendship, etc. The two secrets lay in the back or the front of his mind in every moment of his life and colored every choice he made and paralyzed him regularly.

I saw it, I felt it, I knew something was terribly "off" but I'm no professional or psychic and all I could determine was that here was a guy with everything going for him who was closed off to me in a weird way emotionally and had no idea of his worth. That is making it too broad but I can't describe how it felt on my end. It was like he had the looks the brains the everything in his box of tools and talents to have a charmed life but his feet were stuck in heavy mud. It was so strange and I couldn't put it together.

There is so much more to his story but as an introduction I just wanted to share that I feel honored and hopeful that he finally told me and I believe this share and his honesty (and the reaction he got from me which was acceptance; he thought I would possibly be disgusted and reject him) is the start of his healing and gives us a real possibility to make it as a couple. We will see.

He is going to start seeing a wonderful (and I mean amazing) therapist this month and said he is willing to do anything to heal from this. He is at his rock bottom with this thing which makes him desperate which makes him willing. So he has a great shot.

So I am here to learn what I need to do to be supportive. I love him and regardless of what happens between us for now the planet has put him in my care and I in his so for at least part of this journey I will be along side him.

Thank you for this beautiful place you gentlemen have here. I am blown away that a bunch of dudes are doing this for each other. Right on!!!

Thank you for letting me share and I would welcome any introductory pointers.

Edited by sbenny (07/04/13 01:25 PM)

#440100 - 07/05/13 06:11 AM Re: Dating a Survivor Want to Learn More [Re: sbenny]
lostcowboy Offline

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 798
Loc: Rhode Island
Hi sbenny ,Nice to hear from you. In some of the forum's at the top they will say who can post on them, I thank the sexual identity is one of them. When I first came here, if I had know the lady's could or would post there, well I never would have posted what I did.

I haven't been on the site for over a year now so I guess it is god's will that I spotted your post.

Ok so here goes, I was raped at knife point when I was 11,in 1968. I never told any of my family for a very long time.
one thing I used to do is masturbate by putting things in my ass. The sex fantasy I would have while doing this was that I was a real women having sex with a real man.
The other thing that happen to me was in 1994 I had a affair with a gay man, it did not last for long, and I have not had any attractions for gay men since that time. You can read about these things and the rest of my important posts in my signature link. It is very important for you to understand that each guy is different, and so reacts differently to what happen to him.
If you decide to read my rape story please understand that it is very graphic, and if you have had any sex abuse in your own life it will trigger you.

I wish you and your boyfriend well.
Take care,
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

#442338 - 07/27/13 02:37 PM Re: Dating a Survivor Want to Learn More [Re: sbenny]
lostcowboy Offline

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 798
Loc: Rhode Island
I hope I didn't scare you of the site.
Take care
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

#442528 - 07/29/13 06:03 PM Re: Dating a Survivor Want to Learn More [Re: sbenny]
csasurvivor1992 Offline

Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
sbenny... God love you! i can't tell you how encouraged I am by your seeking information, your willingness and desire to learn more about the therapy and recovery process.

your acceptance and love for a man who shared such a tragic story with you.

i am grateful to have read your post. you have inspired me.

there are many many sites on support, mostly they fall as dropdown links in malesurvivor sites., RAINN, and malesurvivor.

the biggest thing you can do now is educate yourself on what to expect. shame followed sharing my story. crying in the middle of the workday... shame. anger towards anyone who would impeded my progress, anger towards my abuser.

i would say be empathetic. his understanding of the world is severely skewed. he may say things you know aren't true. as he starts to share these things with you, it's important for you to validate him. it's not that he's sharing thoughts and "revelations" that are untrue... it's that he shares them so he can continue to discover the emotion underscoring those thoughts. it's important he feel safe to share.

to this point he's only relied on himself, his own skewed understanding of the world. he'll start to bring you in slowly. again, it may sound crazy talk, but it's important to validate him.

suicidal thoughts and ideas should be noted. "do you feel that way now...etc."

everything else will come and go in waves.

lastly... take care of yourself. many supporters end up leaving their spouses because they can't take it themselves. take care of yourself. this forum, posting your own thoughts and feelings, running, reading, whatever it is you do for sbenny, do it every day, even if only for a moment.

take care of yourself.

this is a tough road, but the only way back to reality, emotional well-being, and wholeness for him. it is full of obstacles, but it's the only road.

i wish you luck and THANK YOU for your heart. YOU ALREADY HAVE A GREAT FOUNDATION!
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.


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