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#43997 - 06/23/03 06:44 AM I dont know
one_day_at_a_time Offline

Registered: 01/03/03
Posts: 42
Loc: North Carolina
God I feel so lost
I dont know what to do anymore
Am I gay or am I straight??I ve been through these questions before and now im here again. I thought that I was straight and I thought that women were for me--and Im not saying that I dont think that anymore---and Im not saying htat men are for me---I just dont know. I mean when I am with women and I seea girl how do I know that I am attracted to them??? How do I know if Im attracted to men----All I know is the feelings I get when it happens---( With women it just seems that no matter what they do grab my hand of give me a hug---i always get excited ---and I cant control it very much--but it feels good---but then with men theres this feeling of i dont know --all I know is that the feeling tends to go away when I look at men and I see what Im really seeing---their features which make them better men than me--i.e hairy legs, hairy chest, better attitudes and confidence. I dont know what to do

Then after all of that there is this feeling inside me and I dont know what it is--maybe it is about sexuality but sometimes i think its deeper--its something about my religion and how im living my life now--but maybe its not---I just feel like im all over the place and I dont know how to come into focus--can anyone help me please. I just feel like nothing in my life is solid and I am losing my mind--please God or anyone help me>>>>...

I found God

now I just need to find myself

#43998 - 06/23/03 10:12 AM Re: I dont know
Ivanhoe Offline

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Hey, One Day, it's me, David. I don't know if we've met but I hear your plea.

Someone said here that they were sad for what brought us here, but glad that we are here.

I'm glad that you found this site. You've been here long enough to have gotten some replys from some of the guys here; I've read a few of the replys and I think that the men here are good examples of what we are all striving for, self aware men caring for one another.

My heart goes out to you. I know the pain and the confusion and fear. It's times like this that I wish that we could get together--you know, 3 or 4 or 5 of us to be able to gather together in a room, in a park, on a mountain and hold on to you, the new guy.

You know what we'd tell you? Some of it you've already heard, but with our arms around you we'd tell you that we've got you, that we're not going to let you go. That we're going to be here for you and help you understand that your pain, fear and confusion are part of the process. We won't tell you that it doesn't hurt that bad because we know differntly, and we wouldn't lie to you, and make light of what you're feeling. We'd let you cry, because real men cry when they've experienced battle like you have. You were beat up emotionally and now we're going to give you a chance to tell us about that and tell us how much you were embarrassed, how much you were frightened, how much you didn't know what would happen to you if you didn't do what you were told to do.

So, One Day, come over here and let us give you all of the brotherly love that we can give you.
You're one of us now and your ghosts have to deal with us, too.

Hey, One, I DID feel like you, once, a lot and by the grace of God I've got a fantastic partner, two incredible daughters and my life.

Yes, I have fear, yes I have doubt, so do some of your other brothers here, but it hasn't stopped us from getting some of what we want out of life.

You're brave for coming here and opening up to us as honestly as you have. That's one characteristic that only real men have. You'll know what being a man is more and more as you regain your strength and the courage that was taken from you when you were so small and defenseless.

Welcome home, brother,


"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

#43999 - 06/25/03 02:38 PM Re: I dont know
Sans Logos Offline

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
One day,

One day all of this confusion will be behind you. There is a wealth of information here at this website. Take a bath in it. Although I am gay, I have felt this confusion also, and the back and forth dance was one of my favorites, until I got too tired to do it anymore. When all is said and done, does it really matter what the "right person" for you has between their legs? If you like both then so what? Doesn't that just give you more options?

I am not trying to be superfluous, and I am not meaning to minimize your moment of crisis, which by now, hopefully has subsided. I am just trying to inject a little humor because I too bought into the notion that it was so important to have a concrete sexuality. There are just as many ways to express sexuality as there are people, and I would surmise to say, that most of the guys here who identify as hetero and have chosen heterosexual partners may attest to this also [then again maybe not]. My point is that when you and a person choose each other, then you have a relationship with the whole them, not just with what's between their legs.

Part of my letting go of the struggle, had to do with letting go of my objectifying people, male or female, by reducing them to objects for my emotional/sexual needs. Hey that sounds familiar, right? Sorta like what some others did to me in my sexual abuse.

Once I realized that "fantasizing" just kept me mired in the disease brought on by abuse experiences, then the stress of this disease, as it tried to play out its>
Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC

#44000 - 06/25/03 03:04 PM Re: I dont know
andrew-almost52 Offline

Registered: 10/31/02
Posts: 243
Loc: canada
I like what Ron had to say. Please don't try to label yourself, you may close the doors on some beautiful relationships. Peace, Andrew

#44001 - 06/25/03 08:27 PM Re: I dont know
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
ONe Day:

Listen to your brothers here. They make a lot of sense.
Lets define a man. What is a man? He is a person who is compassionate, caring, understanding, forgiving, strongly supportive, loving, nurturing, steadfast, open, honest and so on. Nowhere do I see hairy legs, big chest, big voice, strong handshake. These are all stereotypes. Now I suspect you are the first kind. Right?

Am I gay am I straight. Sex alone is just that sex. But when you add the element of love then it is something special. Interestingly enough the same qualities that define a man strangely define love also. Now to the question of the moment. I dont know and you dont know. But some day someone will ring that chime or bell or bang you on the head or steal your heart and then and only then will you know love. Whether it is gay or straight is of no consequence



#44002 - 06/28/03 09:44 PM Re: I dont know
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I think much like you, on the sexuality thing. I do not quite know. I do know that I am very attracted to women, all women. I do not think I see ever a woman who is not so beautiful, they are all so much magical and wonderful! But I have only one real girlfriend in past, and she break off with me last year because I will not do sex with her. We are together for some months, and she feels I do not do sex with her, I must not love her. And honest, I do not know I can do that, I feel guilt to even think of sex with someone. So I wonder if that does not make me gay? Also, I have some male friends, they are some older than me, and I like that they make me feel better of myself. I am not attracted at them, but it feels good at me to be with them or near them. So it is very much confusing things. I hear what you say of religion, and I know it seems most religion is not good with homosexuality, that it is not right in eyes of God. Well, why he make it then? I think that kind of judgement, that attitude is bull. If you are of religion, and do believe in God, well, he makes us ALL, whether straight or gay, and he loves us all. That right and wrong sexuality is out of the window. I am realizing that I'm saying not much to help you here, and not making much sense (is often true with me!) I am glad that you come here, and I hope that you get good advise to help work through the questions you have. I wish you well.

Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

#44003 - 06/29/03 02:58 AM Re: I dont know
outis Offline

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2261
Loc: Maryland USA

There's a lot of concern and, well, wisdom, in the words these guys wrote to you. You don't need a label. You will relate to different people different ways at different times. Go easy on yourself, and take a little time to feel your feelings. Don't try to analyze them, on some gay vs.straight scorecard.

And honest, I do not know I can do that, I feel guilt to even think of sex with someone. So I wonder if that does not make me gay?
I can answer that. No, it does not make you gay. Feeling that kind of guilt probably comes from being abused. People are only made gay by God, as a wise man wrote:

...I know it seems most religion is not good with homosexuality, that it is not right in eyes of God. Well, why he make it then? I think that kind of judgement, that attitude is bull. If you are of religion, and do believe in God, well, he makes us ALL, whether straight or gay, and he loves us all. That right and wrong sexuality is out of the window.
You help me a lot, Leosha.



"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

#44004 - 06/29/03 04:19 AM Re: I dont know
BT Offline

Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 388
Loc: Chicago IL
I am not in the best place right now myself but you are going through what I have been through (as has most everyone else here it seems) Sexuality I believe is like a bell curve. Depending on genitics, how you were raised, personality, SA, trauma, who knows what, there is some small percentage that are 100% homosexual and some small percentage that are 100% heterosexual.

Sometimes we have no choice in the matter or if we do no one has figured that out yet, and sometimes its like has been said here it doesn't matter, you love who you love, and who loves you.

I know in my own case I thought I must be gay because of my attraction to men, however I never liked or enjoyed gay sex. I was never really attracted to women at all. However some good therapy helped me realize in my case my male sexual attraction was related and caused by my SA.

I still have problems with fantasy, and am married and have a lot of intimacy issues but I know better who I am sexually and why I feel and react like I do.

It is a journey. I learn that every day. No one can tell you whether you are gay or straight and that in itself is frustrating, but the bottom line as I see it is it doesn't matter whether you are gay or straight, what matters is that you find your true self and live life to its fullest. That at least is my goal.

As to the religion issue, I struggle with my faith and my God, but this I must believe, With what everyone here has been through and what has been done to us whether God sees Homosexuality as right or wrong, if he doesn't have a special and wonderful place in heaven for all of us gay and straight, where we can watch our perps burn he is not much of a God.

May you find who you are. May we all.

"Everyone is entitled to their opinions and it is not my job to change their mind." Dali Lama

#44005 - 06/29/03 05:58 AM Re: I dont know
bowman Offline

Registered: 04/19/03
Posts: 72
One Day,

you don't have to figure out your sexuality all at once. Take your time with it. Take it easy on yourself, lot's of people who were never traumatized have trouble with sexuality, its a big subject, so take your time with each little piece, and eventually they will fall into place. You will eventually find the answers that are right for you.
Take care of yourself brother. Let yourself feel the caring that you find here.


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