Yeah don't be bummed, I just came across your thread this morning and I've been thinking if I should start EMDR like my T wants. I still don't understand how you can get to make your 'today' self make peace with your 'young' self. Yes being gay has a lot to do with it and yes I'm still in the closet and will probably die that way.
The reason for my T wanting me to go into EMDR is that I was forced to do shit when I was 14 that was, let's say, fucked up. I had no choice I now realize but the fact that I made a decision to make myself available disturbs me to no end. It was that kid that I fight with now and wish he would leave my head alone. I've had enough of him and there is no way I could explain away the shit I did. Was it because I was gay that made me available or was I groomed like my T says?
Is it shame that I was a prostitute for 7 years from 12-18. Is it that for one of those years aside from being a prostitute I made the mistake of letting myself being forced to do things that I regret terribly today but was faced with extinction if I didn't listen to them. Is it the 9 years of shit starting when I was 10 that shows that it was all my fault for never saying no. Is it the fact that my whole childhood until I went into the USAF at 18 was shit that I got myself into. (I don't remember my life before the age of 10.) It is that shame and guilt what will kill me one day.
To make peace with the idea that I was fucked up in many ways with the drugs that I got into from and early age? Was it the fact that I never said no and when it was too late that I couldn't get out. It was really that kid who chose that fucked up life instead of saying no and continuing my sports hopes of going to the olympics one day. It was and is that kid I am still hiding for 40+ years. It was that kid who made it impossible for me to ever have friends again because I was paranoid that someone would find out my past.
I'm so happy you found your younger self and made peace, more or less, with him. I don't see how EMDR can rewire your brain which I'm now terribly afraid of anyone fucking around with my head again. I'm reading a book by the founder of EMDR Francine Shapiro, PhD. to get an idea of how that all works. I still don't understand how I can forgive a kid for doing what he did and then making my life miserable by hiding my youth from the world for so the rest of my life. It is going to be some job for me to forgive that fucken little hustler.
I've hinted here in MS to that one year in my past that bothers me so badly but I'm even ashamed to mention it here even now on MS. A youth full of shit that I still feel I was responsible for getting into and the 9 years of never saying no.
Thanks for this thread and to everyone else who posted here but it's going to be a hard sell to have me go through the 'rewiring'. It took over a year for my T to know and understand what I did as a kid.
Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Stick around, It will get better....🌹🌹🌹