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#439394 - 06/27/13 11:15 PM I dont know what to make of it (may be triggering)
dcm010488 Offline

Registered: 06/27/13
Posts: 2
Loc: Illinois
I just wanted to tell my story and see if anyone can relate. I wanted to see if there are others out there like me. At a very young age; probably about 8. My brother and I were abused by a girl who lived in the neighborhood. I really only remembered kissing this girl and what not. This week I called my mom and asked her about it. She told me that she had gone upstairs and found all three of us up in a closet with our privates exposed. This memory has always bothered me and now I have a better understanding why. Fast forward eight years. I am 16 walking home from a friends house or from football practice the memory is very hazy. I was raped. I was held down and abused. I now realize that since then i have been very unhappy. I have developed sexual fantasies involving men. They have been happening for years, I can't explain them. I'm physically not attracted to men, the idea that pops into my head is appealing and I hate it. I recently had a breakdown when my girlfriend,excuse me EX-girlfriend, found communications between me and another man. She is mortified, she doesn't know what to think. I realize what I have done to her is irreversible. I don't think she is going to be able to accept the fact that I probably have a problem, I will never forgive myself for losing the one thing that I love the most. I have been bottling up everything bad that happens for what seems like forever. I'm lost, I'm confused, and I just don't know what to do. What I do know is that I want a family and kids and the love that I never felt growing up. Thanks for listening.

#439398 - 06/28/13 01:42 AM Re: I dont know what to make of it (may be triggering) [Re: dcm010488]
Rustam Offline

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 474
Loc: UK
Hi dcm, and welcome, your story is very similar to what many of us have been through. Have a read here at your own pace and you will see that you are far from alone in this. It is a common reaction among men who have been abused to have sexual fantasies/or sexual encounters that replay the abuse. There are some good books available through the site that I have found very helpful. For me therapy is the best way to really deal with abuse in childhood.
I know things must look very bleak at the moment but healing from this is really possible.
Welcome to the site.

#439414 - 06/28/13 03:57 AM Re: I dont know what to make of it (may be triggering) [Re: dcm010488]
SoccerStar Offline

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 929

First of all I'm terribly sorry for the violent crime you suffered. It wasn't your fault and I'm just glad that monster didn't kill you too.

SSA (same sex attractions) among survivors of such crimes are so common as to be just about omnipresent. The mind is so fixated on imagery and experiences of sex with men, and the sexual fantasy "center" of the brain is powerful enough that it sort of runs with what it sees. There's also the element of survivors feeling compelled to re-enact their abuse under circumstances where they are in charge - even if, as is your case, they are heterosexual or primarily heterosexual, the mind must rationalize what happened and shed some of the sense of victimhood by recasting events such that the survivor is in charge. So that sex with men will take place on the survivor's terms, without fear or panic or never knowing if it's going to get worse.

Sounds sensible.... the trouble is, it's not a "real" solution and the people who have indulged in it almost never say it made the feelings go away.

Therapy can really, really help. It isn't a cure, but it helps you manage and move on with a more stable and enjoyable life.

You don't have to stay lost and confused forever. Millions of people have been through what you have and the mechanisms for recovery are (sadly) well-tested through experience. If you face your problems and are determined, there's no reason why you would be denied having the family you wish for.

I wish you only the best of luck - and so do the other 12,000 users here.

My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

#439418 - 06/28/13 04:30 AM Re: I dont know what to make of it (may be triggering) [Re: dcm010488]
nolan79 Offline

Registered: 06/23/13
Posts: 32
Loc: sc, united states
dcm all i can say is that you are not alone. the thoughts can cause pure frustration. at least for me they do, but i am trying to grasp the thought that it is just the minds way of controlling the past situation of abuse.

i hope that you can take some comfort in knowing that you are not alone. i did. it did not fix what was going on but it took some of the power away from it.
Every hidden secret will eventually find light

#439842 - 07/03/13 01:12 AM Re: I dont know what to make of it (may be triggering) [Re: SoccerStar]
dcm010488 Offline

Registered: 06/27/13
Posts: 2
Loc: Illinois
Thank-you! Your post and the others who have posted in regards to my story, have helped. Just being on this site and seeing all of the people here who have similar stories, gives me future in achieving all that I have wanted. I am going to see a therapist tomorrow to see if he can help me come up with healthy ways to cope.


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