Thanks for answering, Agate. You gave me something to think about, something I'd never quite thought of before.
I've spent my entire life wearing my heart on my sleeve. People know I have low self esteem. My severe hearing loss prevented me from gaining any measurable social skills (being funny, in the fold, participating). Mishearing things prevented me from ever feeling comfortable in social situations (in addition to my CSA issues).
Recent months have me looking at how I present myself to the world.
I noted a few posts up that my self esteem seems to be picking up; mostly because I'm now having many more experiences of being able to hear people around me, participate in conversation, and feel like I was a part of the group rather than isolated from it.
If I could find a way to project confidence and self esteem regardless of how I felt inside, then I think that would really give me a leg to stand on.
That's the lie.
I am a fraud.
I've lied about just about everything, and the shame of being a fraud just keeps it going.
It makes it all the harder to ask for help.
I've only spoken raw honest unspun truth in two places. Here and with my thearpist.
But even with the two examples above I'm still guilty of lying by omission. I'm very guarded as to what I will say, and often will say nothing to avoid a lie here and in my sessions.