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#439004 - 06/23/13 11:55 PM 'Goodbye' never means goodbye
mkn10 Offline

Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 27
I wonder if anyone else has experienced this, comments welcome from supporters or survivor:

I can recall 5-10 times that my ex (survivor) said "goodbye", to mean a final goodbye, over the course of our relationship. It used to last only days and then it would be weeks, but always he would be back, making contact with a new promise to change. Sometimes he would even say things like, "you will never hear from or see me again". And just when you are beginning to accept that very idea, BAM he makes contact.

I, being the fool that I am, couldn't help but believe each time when he returned that he was finally going to get help for real like he said. Yet, he would do little to nothing until such time as he would give up and say that I deserved better, that he couldn't do this to us anymore, that he might be ok..."one day" but not now.

The question is, why return or make contact if you truly want better for that person and for them to move on to better and brighter days? And you know you won't commit to recovery?? Surely, you would want to make it easier for them to move on....?

#439025 - 06/24/13 01:07 AM Re: 'Goodbye' never means goodbye [Re: mkn10]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5972
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
You are not a fool dear supporter, please understand that. You fell in love with a partner who was terribly damaged, one who fell in love with you, but the fragments of his broken personality could not consistently commit to this healthy union. That inconsistency is discouraging, frustrating, destabilizing and destructive. That is a glimpse into a chaotic and tumultuous, fractured process.

Supporters are the unwitting victims of male sexual abuse, the collateral damage of the unsure life choices survivors make as we try to converse, interact and have relationships with those who are not abused or those who have healed from abuse. We struggle with who we are at the moment as we have strong personality conflicts inside us with the Protector, the Victim, the Fighter, the Lover, the Child. These find themselves thrust into our adult lives, not having the smooth transition maturity and healing recovery afford, one demands control of us and then another muscles it's way to the controls. The Protector finds a mate, the Child appears vulnerable, the Fighter shows boundaries and assertiveness, the Victim runs away. Until healthy recovery helps us to converge these violent, chaotic pieces of our personality, we are impulsive, terrified, bulletproof and destroyed.

The comfort and support we find in relationships is so refreshing, but we question the comfort as we try to navigate the nuances of living with and supporting another.

Dear supporter, my sincere appreciation for supporting a fellow survivor. I hope you find the trusting relationship you seek, you are so worth it.

My best to you,
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#439052 - 06/24/13 03:37 AM Re: 'Goodbye' never means goodbye [Re: mkn10]
TimHorton Offline

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
I know this pain all too well. I have experienced this very same thing you describe, multiple times. I too, feel like a fool to believe him when he says things will be different, but he always gives up and runs away as fast as he came.

I feel used and as though he has abused me mentally and emotionally, yet I can't let go. I want things to get better and I always believe in him that he will do what it takes to get better. How are we supposed to know when he is truly ready to be the man we need so we don't keep making the same mistakes over and over again? So we don't have to continue being lied to, cheated on, and abandoned each and every single time? Set boundaries - of course, that is easy. What I have learned is he will tell me pretty much anything I want to hear. How can we trust in someone who has let us down time and time again?

I have no answers.

#440037 - 07/04/13 01:43 PM Re: 'Goodbye' never means goodbye [Re: mkn10]
Disappointed Offline

Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 542
Loc: U.S.A.
Dear SamV,

That was a good description. Good job.



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