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#436288 - 05/30/13 12:26 PM My mum, relationships and further meddling?
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2846
Loc: Newark, England

I'm posting this here since this is doubltess something supporters of survivers might be able to give me some input about:

Yesterday, in a conversation about music school etc on the phone with my Mum, actually quite a positive conversation, we were discussing how good music school would end up being. I also pointed out (as I've said before on this site), that while performing, I could devote myself utterly to music and so wouldn't have any worries about relationships. My mum however insisted I could have both and revealed her plan to stick a profile of mine on classic fm's dating site, (for anyone not in the Uk, Classic fm is a classical music radio station).

I told her that after the eharmony fiasco I was done with dating sites, and that I'd just concluded whatever makes people get together in me was broken, but she became quite irritated and insistant, and even accused me of "being silly!"

I really! wish she'd give it a rest, and also just accept my resolution. Eharmony was her idea and that was an unmitigated desaster, frankly I don't see the point in contributing quite a lot of money, and even worse emotional investment to recieve nothing in return again, ---- even though my mum will be the one paying for this.

The problem is, we're both incredibly stubborn, and if I just tell her "no" we'll end up having a major arguement, indeed the hole relationship thing is something of a no go area, and I wish she'd leave it at that.

She's had various suggestions in the past, all of which have gone down like dead balloons, she even once suggested locating a prostitute to "help" with my genophobia though I was able to veto that quite successfully.

Frankly, much as I love my parents I wish they, and my mum in particular would just bloody give this a rest, ---- even when i was doing the performance she kept making remarks about the girls I was performing with, how one or other was very nice, asking if they had boyfriends etc, doubly hard since both the girl i had fallen incredibly in love with and another girl I was at least mildly interested in had very perminant bf's (though my mum unlike both girls did pick up my interest).
When I pointed that not only those two girls, but every other girl in the performance had a very perminant bf out to my mum she simply accused me of "looking in the wrong place" (probably thinking about bloody dating sites again).

I know why she has this obsession, she did after all meet my dad through a local dating agency, but that was 40 years ago, heck my brother keeps his own girlfriend, ---- or at least a girl he told me he was "going out with" completely separate from my parents for this reason, unfortunately due to my recovery this hasn't been possiblle.

Frankly I'm getting a little sick of the sly allusions the comments about "meeting a nice girl" or "well you'll need a house if you get married", ---- recently when we met a lady who used to baby sit me as a child who asked if I was married my mum replied "not yet, still waiting for the right girl"

I wish she'd just accept my resolution, ---- I've had to!

#438907 - 06/22/13 10:57 PM Re: My mum, relationships and further meddling? [Re: dark empathy]
king tut Offline

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2488
Loc: UK

Hope you are well.

I understand that you are steering clear of relationships right now. I think looking for a girlfriend actively can be problematic even without the added anxiety of genophobia. Dating sites can also be frustrating, and when you don't get the responses you want it can make you feel even worse, so I don't think dating sites are necessarily the way to go. The benefit of a dating site however is that you can more easily get your profile out there to find a person who may be a match and understand what you want.

Maybe you should tell your parents that you may be open to the idea of a relationship if you meet somebody you like in day-to-day life, but that you think them pushing you in this direction is actually making the situation worse for you, and making you oppose the idea even more. I know you may not want a relationship right now- but maybe this will keep them off your back.

I'm assuming that your parents are pushing a relationship on you because they see it necessary for your future happiness. Only you can know if that is true or not. But relationships and closeness come in many forms, and a person doesn't need a physical relationship to find happiness if that isn't what you want. Maybe you could explain to your parents that you understand what they are trying to do, but that if they have your happiness in mind they should respect your choices, and that you can manage it by yourself.


#438967 - 06/23/13 02:07 PM Re: My mum, relationships and further meddling? [Re: dark empathy]
Airmid Offline

Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
I don't have concrete ideas to offer, as I was raised by a disordered mom, but I wanted to let you know I hear you.

Boundaries are a difficult thing.


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