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#438724 - 06/20/13 04:49 PM No Memory. Am I alone here?
Poorsoft Offline

Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
I hate posting this...again. But this is hitting me pretty hard and I feel as if Im shitting all over the real victims who do remember.

Perhaps Im just fucked up. Me and LAD had striking similarities and Im beginning to feel the weight of not knowing. Im going in circles with myself and I realise that if I goto therapy I probably will dig something up.

But how reliable are those memories? If I have none what does that mean.

Everyday I realise that me and LAD where so similar and I know how this story will end.

#438727 - 06/20/13 05:18 PM Re: No Memory. Am I alone here? [Re: Poorsoft]
SoccerStar Offline

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 929
Unless you are deliberately super-overdosing on prescription drugs and deliberately trying to permanently debilitate your body and deliberately engaging in the most super-high-risk anonymous unprotected stranger-sex possible... no, I'd say you DON'T know how it's going to end.

No disrespect meant to Bryan, but all of the above was public record. And any chance to avoid lapsing into despair and fatalism is a chance worth taking.

My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

#438740 - 06/20/13 07:41 PM Re: No Memory. Am I alone here? [Re: Poorsoft]
Poorsoft Offline

Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Guess I'm one step behind...

#438747 - 06/20/13 09:15 PM Re: No Memory. Am I alone here? [Re: Poorsoft]
concerned_husky Offline

Registered: 08/30/12
Posts: 766
Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
Too bad you're in Europe. I've always wanted to meet CSA survivors in real life. There are a few here in AZ. But I'm too chickenshit to ever meet anyone in real life. It's that ever-present desire to hide myself under a rock that's the problem. I hate myself. I truly deeply hate myself. And, to top it off, I'm not sure if I'm even a real CSA survivor (amnesia?). So, it's a repeat of all of gradeschool. Always the odd man out. But I get where you're coming from.

Bryan posted this on a thread I started earlier on "Cyber-reality". You can see him wavering in this particular post. He posted it on the 10th of May. The day after, he posted something on the Classified forum. He stated his location, and he was reaching out. That was the step he was taking.

Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
I am in Prescott Valley, Arizona. Any other fellow Arizonans want to start an in-person support group with me? Or any other Arizonans already have one I can join? Or, even, are there any other male survivors in AZ who would like to meet up and hang out for the day, catch a movie, maybe go out to eat, etc? I would kill to know any of y'all in real life. That would be a dream come true.

I believe what happened to Bryan was a horrible accident, unintentional. I really believe that. From the sounds of it yes, he was flirting with death, but I do NOT think he simply made the decision to take his own life and followed through. And damn it Poorsoft I don't want you thinking that ending your life or doing something drastic is the "logical" conclusion of your situation or Bryan's, that's BULLshit. Imagine if Bryan was still here, and that you guys started talking to each other more and sharing things. You're right, you two have an awful lot in common - no clear memory, but highly perceptive and intelligent. You both can put the pieces of the puzzle back together without knowing what it looked like in the first place; but you know the individual pieces fit to make the whole. I know it's tough for you but hang on. Granted, from what I know, there aren't many who are experiencing what you are. But there WILL be guys who can relate to you about this, I'm damned sure there will be. Hold on.

"Only the solitary seek the truth, and they break with all those who don't love it sufficiently." - Pasternak

#438748 - 06/20/13 09:33 PM Re: No Memory. Am I alone here? [Re: Poorsoft]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Hey bro,
You know I have been around this whole "memory" thing for a while. I don't really feel like I ever really "forgot" or "repressed" anything. I just don't remember. It isn't clear. What is clear is that people who go to therapy get better. People who are willing to sit and talk to a therapist and engage themselves in the business of getting better usually do.

It isn't always easy, it isn't always fun. Hell right now I am in the middle of some really rough shit. I had a bad T session last week, gonna go see T today, have been hanging out on MS all the fucking time and getting just a tiny bit done. Life feels like shit right now. But guess what? This is what it takes. The first one who flinches looses the game of chicken... and I am gonna drive this hoopty right through the middle of the pack!!

I been feeling really depressed and really like I am just a big sissy and it was all my fault and I am to blame for every bit of it.

Well....thank God I have a T because she says, " wasn't your fault. No Incest isn't necessarily lethal. NO...just because someone you know took the Suicide route doesn't mean you are going to do that or that you should do that.

CSA isn't lethal unless we allow it. Our choice to learn to be better men and to learn better ways to deal with our shame and abuse means that we choose life. Our very presence here means that.

I think what happened to LAD was sad, and I know that we don't all make it. BUT it simply doesn't have any bearing on my choices. I choose to LIVE....and I did that the day I came here.

Love Geoff

#438750 - 06/20/13 10:22 PM Re: No Memory. Am I alone here? [Re: Poorsoft]
Poorsoft Offline

Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
I appreciate your senitments and I understand you're perspective. I see this logicaly as at this moment in time; I'm in a logical state of mind which can only be achieved by over doing it by getting high. I stopped for a few days and had an emotional breakdown, so I'm not quite sure what given up for good will do.

I saw a friend earlier today, after I made those posts which looking back to seem rather bleak, but that was a different me. A different state of mind, I don't know why it takes over or why I take such massive risks with my life, my job and my friends. I can't figure out why this self destructive being within has so much influence to as what happens with my life.

I've done this to myself. I was fine before I had these fleeting thoughts. I had a way of coping by not feeling anything. I would wear a coat in doors and outdoors always, I would hide in it virtually, never take it off. I would lock myself away in my room and spend all my time alone or playing a game. I prefered my virtual world, to my real one; in it I was in control. In some online games I did well and got to know people I would never meet otherwise, I found the technology amazing and still do. Just look at MS, people who would never otherwise meet in our daily lives; find that through a machine, you're able to converse and understand one another and I would think my way out of things.

Right now I've over thought so much. A friend pointed out that I was just treading water and I'm trying to think my way out of feeling, so the other day I cut down on getting high drastically and ended up having an emotional breakdown as well as doing all the other crazy shit I was doing before anyway.

I appreciate your thoughts guys, I don't want to let you down.

#438754 - 06/21/13 12:06 AM Re: No Memory. Am I alone here? [Re: Poorsoft]
toddop Offline

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 233
Loc: California
Hey Poorsoft,
Sorry you are going through this. I can identify with your concerns about memories. When I first started getting a sense that something happened to me, I had no clear memories at all. Most of what I had were feelings of dread or body sensations that felt really uncomfortable.

One example (*trigger warning*) was when I lost a bunch of weight, and feeling really uncomfortable and weird about my pants hitting my newly exposed hipbone. I didn't know why it made me feel so weird, but I would constantly move my belt around and the uncomfortable feeling just stayed present in my mind. But now I know it was because it recalled a memory or sense of a hand there, pressing, and that lead to a partial memory. A flash around that sensation.

I have since started allowing myself to remember more, but most of mine are just brief flashes about really horrible images, kind of like a sick movie trailer. But I started this work before I had any memories and had to just go with the uncomfortable feelings. I don't think you should let that interfere with your sense that having no specific memory invalidates your sense that something happened to you. The perpetrators use that to manipulate us when we are young, and some people just repress more than others because of a variety of factors out of our control.

I think if you have a sense that something happened, and you feel a solidarity with the feelings of other abusers and the things discussed on this site, then something happened to you.

Sorry you were feeling in such a dark place around these issues. I have definitely been there. Glad you posted and got out your feelings here where others can hear you and respond.

Good luck, and keep reaching out when you need to.


"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

#438758 - 06/21/13 01:05 AM Re: No Memory. Am I alone here? [Re: Poorsoft]
GT13568 Offline

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 184
Loc: California, 93451
I've done this to myself

hi PoorSoft. As Husky suggested, someone will be able to relate. I can totally relate. With you, and with Bryan. I have no memories at all, at least not what I think of as memories. My body remembers, my emotions remember, but I have no pictures, no sense of any of the times that my dad raped me beyond my terror of the feel of rough whiskers, and I get a sick feeling when anyone touches my belly. Bryan used the term "tummy" and when I read that post (his letter to his dad) I almost puked. I did cry. I bawled. I screamed.

I had ten years when I couldn't really think clearly. This was before I started working on recovery actively. I had no friends, because I couldn't speak. 

Once recovery started, when I saw a T, I began s frantic search for facts. I wanted and needed to remember. I doubted every feeling I had because the feelings just were not enough to convince me that I had been abused.

I know now that my doubt is related to my abuser's grooming of me. He needed me to think I was crazy, and later on what he did was so bad that I thought I was crazy. And since I was crazy - how could I know what is real?

Once, with a social worker - this was my very first utterance of anything like a "memory" to anyone - I told her that when I was four until I was six I slept hidden on a shelf in the linen closet. She matter-of-fact asked me if my dad was abusing me. I started to cry, and nodded - but could not speak. This was in 2007. It's been a long, scary road since then. I still cry every day. Nightmares still plague me, but I am getting better. You can, too.

I quoted your self-blame statement to draw your attention to it. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING to yourself. Your abuser fucked you up. Like any torture victim, you are in pain and are responding to the abuse. You have a choice. You can recover. It is hard, it's a lifelong thing, but please, please try.

Bryan's death affected me deeply. Like many of us here, it fills me with despair. I can't know how Bryan died, I appreciate the thought that it was not a chosen death. I do know that I'm glad my dad died. He killed himself when I was seventeen, leaving me ignorant yet strangely relieved, and safe. Bryan was not so lucky.

I'm sorry if this is long and mixed up, I'm shaking. I'm still shaking from what has happened. I don't want it to happen again.

Good wishes to you PoorSoft.

I won the moment he hurt me, because he poisoned his soul, and I did not poison mine. I did not hurt anyone. He did. He was the perp. He tried to make me into a victim, but I became a survivor. Yes.

#438769 - 06/21/13 02:41 AM Re: No Memory. Am I alone here? [Re: Poorsoft]
onlyakid Offline

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1574
Loc: New Jersey
I too don't remember much about my abuse, I have a general sense of what happened but no real details. Its very hard because it makes me doubt myself and what happened. Keep talking, go to a T that specializes in CSA if you can but more importantly keep talking here. You mention about how great this technology is (the internet) and how you can meet people you wouldn't meet in the world, this is a great resource. It like I write in my signature which happens to quote a MasterCard commercial of all things. "Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"

#438795 - 06/21/13 11:07 AM Re: No Memory. Am I alone here? [Re: Poorsoft]
Poorsoft Offline

Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Thanks again guys, I appreciate your responses and glad I'm not alone on this one.

I feel that I've tortured myself further, by looking for something that I can't find conciously.I worry that the memorys I recover would be false, I worry that I want to remember so bad to know that I'm not insane and fucked up that I end up creating something and end up accusing an innocent person of something terrible.

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