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#438155 - 06/14/13 12:31 PM I hate being aroused by sexy adds, etc.
learning2remember Offline

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 403
Loc: Europe
It's summer and women are wearing less and there are adds for swimsuits, etc.

I hate how all this visual stimuli interests me. It just all reminds me how easily I was manipulated by my Mom. She gave me calendars, lingerie catalogues, etc., all the while knowing why I wanted to look at them. There were times where she stood in my door partially dressed, and I really didn't want to look at her because I didn't like how it made me feel.

This might be a typical guy reaction, but I wish it weren't so easy. They talk about how women need time, attention, etc, to become aroused, but men can get excited with visual stimulus. I wish it weren't like this, because it makes me so predictable, controllable, etc. The add companies know a certain figure and a certain angle will have a certain effect. And they are right.

I wish I could say they weren't. I wish I could say Mom was wrong. But, well, I follow the script.
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

#438165 - 06/14/13 02:02 PM Re: I hate being aroused by sexy adds, etc. [Re: learning2remember]
newground Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 1141
Loc: michigan
hey man
I'm totally with you on that. I hated the arousal,hated my body especially my penis cause it was a constant reminder. the first abuser called me a "little perv" I didn't know what that was but I was sure it was not good. so arousal became "not good" and it was a pretty constant thing so after a while I was NOT good. the fact is though it is simply a matter of biology,and experience. pleasurable feelings, even mixed with painful ones, are captured my our brain and and build on each other. that is why we become so hyper sexual sometimes. for me it was a vicious cycle and even had me harming myself to try to make it stop. I have not found a real good way to break that cycle yet but time,talking, and learning the realities does help. I thought I would let you know you are not alone I always read from that same page.
hope it gets better soon
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

#438189 - 06/14/13 08:04 PM Re: I hate being aroused by sexy adds, etc. [Re: learning2remember]
learning2remember Offline

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 403
Loc: Europe
I used to hurt myself, but haven't for 51/2 months now. It IS possible to stop. Don't give up, and don'tbeat yourself up for beating yourself up.
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

#438331 - 06/16/13 05:02 AM Re: I hate being aroused by sexy adds, etc. [Re: learning2remember]
focusedbody Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 541
Loc: NY
Hey, L2R:

The line between sexual and hypersexual is so elusive sometimes. I find that checking in with my own reactions can be uncomfortable and difficult, but can sometimes yield a kind of beneficial calming side effect.

Originally Posted By: learning2remember

I wish I could say they weren't. I wish I could say Mom was wrong. But, well, I follow the script.

Personally, I think saying "Mom was wrong" everyday is a good idea. Sex and sexuality pervade our lives and our culture. But for me, drawing a connecting line between the culture and our mother's behavior is the same as closing the door of shame and turning the key in the lock. Mom was wrong. Yes, before she was wrong with me, she was wrong in how she interpreted the cultural messages.

Another perspective on female sexuality has been provided by the family I am struggling to raise. In the past two years I have been separated from the mother of my children. However, we do a lot of parenting together. One night, not long after we separated, I was over at her new house helping put the kids to bed. As they were settling down, there was a moment where it seemed to be my turn to leave. My ex encouraged me to stay in a back-handed way. The funniest thing was the look on my 2 year-old daughter's face. It was this knowing look of, "Mommy has some 'interest' in you". It was unmistakably sexual, even at her age. Later I mentioned to my ex that there still seemed to be something between us and she held my arm for a moment and said "Yes, I feel it too". (We are still separated).

Raising my kids reminds me of how important the small incidences of arousal are. Parents can have some effect on a child's patterns of arousal. Being aware of this can help a child handle their feelings and impulses. Being oblivious to it can open the door to misguiding them. As I confront myself in a daily battle of staying grounded, it reminds me of how easily I was misled. The child in me is as fresh, innocent and aware as my son or daughter. It seems to me that parenting is all about staying in tune with this so that a child's wisdom grows and the wrong kind of shame doesn't make them emotionally distorted.

What I also learned from this experience was how sexuality is not something that is thrown at us in the wrong way, as much as it is something that is easily thrown out of balance. Inside of me the whole sexual kingdom remains a mess of fear and mistaken impulses. I often feel like the wiring is just not completely right. What I have come to realize is that I have been messed with for so long that I have little experience with staying in a window of tolerance for being sexually aroused.

Originally Posted By: learning2remember
They talk about how women need time, attention, etc, to become aroused, but men can get excited with visual stimulus.

Women are part of the sexual fabric. They can make mistakes because of their arousal states. When no one corrects them, these mistakes can be destructive. Having survived and confronted a form of chronic female sexual abuse, I no longer consider it true that women get aroused differently from men. It no longer is part of how I understand gender. Maybe this is due to some kind of vigilance. Maybe I will go back to being "normal". But whatever happens, I will never forget that my mother made mistakes up until two years ago, when I finally put together enough courage and clear information to put a stop to it. The lifetime of arousal still lingers, and now provides clues to feelings I never dealt with.

For instance, in public I can get hyper aroused pretty easily, but these days I try to give myself even more slack. This allows me to check in with everything that has come to light. Although I squirm going through uncomfortable feelings, when I do so in a quiet way and remember to breathe, I calm down a bit.

Thanks for giving me an opportunity to say why I think Mom was wrong. It is not said quite enough. And understandably, when it is spoken we have to have some good reasons why....

Lose the drama; life is a poem.

#440109 - 07/05/13 07:55 AM Re: I hate being aroused by sexy adds, etc. [Re: learning2remember]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2688
Loc: durham, north england
ACtually myself I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion there are two utterly different types of arousal if you like, physical and emotional, and this works just as much for women as for men, the problem is we live in a culture which refuses to recognize the fact that men can have an emotional aspect to s/xual interest, so where women are encouraged to think of falling in love and relationships, men it's all about the purely physical, boys are taught to be interested in "girls" but not in love.

Myself, I hate both my own s/xuality, and the way society treats it. As a teenager I was taught exactly what happened when my body (or at least my penis), betrayed me, namely humiliation, physical violence etc. I used to sit in class praying that I could stop my body doing what it was doing, especially during the abuse, since a girl could be as calous, hurtful, unpleasant or humiliating as she wanted and yet I'd still respond, ---- dam women are lucky that their physical responses are so hidden.

All; I learned as a teenager was that if I mb'd, I could stop that from happening, and that's how I continue, since I hate my own reactions still, and yet my hatred has no power on the betrayal of my body.

The sad thing however is that if this was! just physical I could dismis it, something utterly devorced from me, just like a pimpal or going to the toilet, a vaguely unpleasant biological process that I didn't need to care about.

The problem however is the emotional side to things, since that is something I've wanted, even at the same time as I have a disgust for and fear of the physical, yet, being male, and being in a society where men are thought of as only physical, nobody wants that sort of emotional connection with me.

So sod it! s/xuality is something that happens to other people.if I have to mb occasionally to stop my body betraying me, it's no more than shaving to stop myself growing a barbarous beerd, and I'll kill that emotional desire if I can.

Frankly, I wish I had no s/xuality, it brings me nothing but either fear and disgust, or pointless desire for something that I can't have, indeed if it weren't for the fact that it'd have a profound effect on my voice I might considder medical castration, since this is just something I don't want and don't see why i should be troubled with just because society says I'm a man and I should.


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