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#438130 - 06/14/13 03:46 AM Tired of hiding
bey Offline

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 447
Loc: canada
I am so tired. It's been a really hard couple of months. I have been struggling with my health after a major surgery and it seems like the healing time is never ending. And I am lying to everyone about how I'm feeling - my doctors, my partner, my therapist. Not about big things, but saying that I feel ok when really I don't. Saying I'm mentally stable when I'm not. Saying I can do it when I can't.
I don't like being out of control. And I control things by manipulating people to do what I want them to do. I want to know what my drs going to do so I tell him everything is great. I want my t to say things that I can deal with so I say I am not loosing time again, staying ever present, everything's ok. And he leaves me alone. I control my partner by being a good partner. Dinners out, clean house, sex, laughing, wine... He asks how I'm doing and I say great and he leaves me alone. I keep my friends at arms length and talk about hockey or music and they are cool with that
But I feel like I've got 100 plates spinning and I can't afford to let any drop. I feel like my sanity depends on my controlling everyone in my life and the only way to do it is to never let on how close to fucking crazy I am right now. How I feel shattered.
I want to just let it out and just tell my whole story, just truly tell someone every last bit of it. But what a fucking burden! I want to be honest, tell people what I need and how I am feeling, but then I am out of control and terrified.
And I can't move. Just stuck spinning these plates.
I don't know how to put this down. Or how to stop hiding. I feel like I've been living like this since I was a little kid. and I am tired.

#438132 - 06/14/13 03:56 AM Re: Tired of hiding [Re: bey]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070
(((((( bey )))))))

Hang in there, brother. We are glad you can be honest here if nowhere else.

You can tell us how close to crazy you feel. We've all been there; we've all been shattered.

I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

#438138 - 06/14/13 04:10 AM Re: Tired of hiding [Re: bey]
toddop Offline

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 233
Loc: California
I hear you and I understand. I feel like I could have written that post about my life right now too. The feeling that things are spinning out of control, but smiling to everyone about it. I try to control things like that too.

My T told me once that I need to surrender to NOT being able to control everything, not being something that I am not. That really scared me a lot, just the thought of losing control of things. Still does.

I wish I had some words of wisdom, but the only thing I can tell you that helps me is to talk about it, like you are doing, even if it feels like chewing rocks. I always resist getting it out until it builds, but usually it does feel better after you vent. I can also tell you that you are not alone, and that I feel your pain. Everyone is here for you and wishing you well as you deal with this.

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

#438196 - 06/14/13 08:42 PM Re: Tired of hiding [Re: bey]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 09:32 PM)

#438197 - 06/14/13 08:46 PM Re: Tired of hiding [Re: bodyguard8367]
Agate Offline

Registered: 03/20/13
Posts: 37
Loc: Minnesota
Originally Posted By: bodyguard8367

In my experience Therapy didn't teach me how to keep the plates spinning......It taught me how to pick up the pieces when they fell.

Wow, that about sums it all up.

The plates keep spinning. Even after they crash. Hold tough.


#438203 - 06/14/13 09:17 PM Re: Tired of hiding [Re: bey]
DRA Offline

Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 49

I have spent years holding onto that same feeling. The duck on water doesn't begin to cover our tumult. My pain has ripped through me with the voracity of a tornado that no one else can see. However, as I have found the strength to tell my friends and my now ex-girlfriend, to let my CSA be real and acknowledge my triggers as they occur, I find freedom from my pain and anguish. Know that I am here if you need a friend and I encourage you to find one or two around you with whom you can trust your experience, whether or not that includes your partner depends on the relationship that you have.

Strength in power is a false victory rooted in vapid grandiosity. Strength in character and integrity is the freedom to act righteously irrespective of the surrounding pressure. True power is the presence of mind to live with character and integrity.


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