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#438021 - 06/13/13 11:23 AM Typical boy next door.
si Offline

Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 46
Loc: Utah
I'm just your typical boy next door. If you saw the way I looked, you wouldn't really think anything unusual of me. I'm lean, short hair, listen to current music, wear the current fashion for men, drive the classic junker car in the driveway, I have athletic hobbies, have a part time job, go to college and believe in god.

A lot of people stop me and say that I look really familiar. I do, I look like the stereotypical boy next door, or I actually do look like the boy that they live next door too. It's weird to me, because I've been so focused on trying to be normal, that I think I somehow succeeded with this look and vibe I give people. The reason why I bring this up, is because it makes me truly realize how their is more to people that we just don't see. I've lived a crazy life compared to most people. I've seen some crazy stuff. I've seen things no child's eyes should see, but I did. Of course, when people meet me they think I'm a good Christian boy, and I actually encourage this. When people ask me to tell them about myself, I say that I'm a boring person and I grew up normally. Of course I didn't, drugs Sex alcohol police prostitutes and drug dealers all around me, and thinking I was hell bound and being sexually confused at the age of 4. I've become that person who you'd think is normal, who you wish you could be because their life seems perfect, but the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I wonder how many others are like me, where you'd never guess their crazy past.

#438022 - 06/13/13 11:32 AM Re: Typical boy next door. [Re: si]
LonelyFarmBoy Offline

Registered: 06/08/13
Posts: 23
Loc: Nebraska
Finally! Someone just like me.

#438039 - 06/13/13 02:30 PM Re: Typical boy next door. [Re: si]
DavoSwim Offline

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 397
Loc: Midwest
I can relate. I was talking to a fellow coach last week and it came up that I was a CSA victim. I've known her 25 years and this is the first time my past came up. She started crying and saying she never knew and would have never guessed I was a victim. All she know is that I was a victim and doesn't know the details or anything about SSA or acting out. To others I appear a normal hardworking guy. To myself, I feel like a worthless piece if shit. It is comforting I'm a weird way to know I'm not alone. Good luck to you Si. I wish you healing


#438040 - 06/13/13 02:35 PM Re: Typical boy next door. [Re: si]
kb8715 Offline

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 811
Over time I have had a chance to know in person a few men here. Its fair to say those guys are all pretty typical and I suppose I am too.

I'd go a step further and say the few men I do know personally from MS are exceptional people. Maybe we feel we need to try harder but I find many of us do volunteer work or have jobs that somehow contribute in ways back to others. By example the 2 MS men I most respect are going to be teachers.

You are right wounds from real bad stuff don't always show and people may not get us. Lots of times here I connect our emotional recoveries with the physical recovery my oldest has gone through. He's got some intense scars on his chest ribs and back few see. I guess he would describe himself in ways like us too. Not long ago he said he just wants to be like every other dumb 21 year old. He is and he's not. Just like you guys he looks typical but is much stronger than his peers.

What I am saying is men who choose to overcome abuse often are even better than the rest. Stronger braver more caring, often leaders too I learned. I never give CSA any credit for the good in us. It was always in us, we just dig in and tap in to our guts to heal.

And it sounds like you all have a lot to be proud of too. Someone told me we have to celebrate ourselves and take time for fun too.

So maybe you both are typical in many ways. More likely you are better men than the rest.

"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my son's senior year HS Yearbook.

#438042 - 06/13/13 03:27 PM Re: Typical boy next door. [Re: si]
George Offline

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 373
Loc: NY metro **PM's are welcomed
I never put the two things together, about being told that I look like somebody, I've heard that often, too.

Si, I like you tried to blend into the background, not be noticed or draw attention to myself. I felt that if anyone looked at me long enough that they'd see the shame on me, especially when I was younger. Even today in my mid forties, I wont ware even a t-shirt if it has writing or a picture on it, I don't want the attention, still... I have the "regular guy look" (Easy Money reference), no tats, no piercings, ordinary hair style.

Yeah, on the outside everyone sees all the blessings of the "good life", wife, kids, fancy house & things, etc... They would never guess what I had been through, and that I still got here & still deal with the past. I'm just the guy who looks like their dad, uncle, brother, neighbor, friend, etc...
My Updated (2017) Story, it focuses on the abuse, the aftermath & poor coping mechanisms & breakthrough...Healing ;

#438046 - 06/13/13 04:10 PM Re: Typical boy next door. [Re: kb8715]
concerned_husky Offline

Registered: 08/30/12
Posts: 766
Originally Posted By: kb8715

What I am saying is men who choose to overcome abuse often are even better than the rest. Stronger braver more caring, often leaders too I learned. I never give CSA any credit for the good in us. It was always in us, we just dig in and tap in to our guts to heal.

This thread is pretty incredible and inspiring. I agree it takes a lot of courage, energy and strength to be able to cover up the scars, and give off that 'boy next door' image... As always thanks for post si. Something to look up to.

"Only the solitary seek the truth, and they break with all those who don't love it sufficiently." - Pasternak

#438079 - 06/13/13 07:52 PM Re: Typical boy next door. [Re: si]
Farmer Boy Offline

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia

That happens to me all the time...'people stop me and say that I look really familiar' or they think I am actually someone else. As a teen I had mothers stop me because they thought I was their son (only for a second). Like you I have tried VERY hard to fit the mould of blend in with the 'normals'. I played and still play the 'good Christian boy' card. It is true but I let everyone think I had a great Christian upbringing.

There is 'more than meets the eye' with you and me also.

The thing is I think you will find that EVERYONE has a 'crazy part' .... everyone has their secret side that they are not letting anyone see.

Originally Posted By: kb8715
What I am saying is men who choose to overcome abuse often are even better than the rest. Stronger braver more caring, often leaders too I learned. I never give CSA any credit for the good in us. It was always in us, we just dig in and tap in to our guts to heal.

More than meets the eye!

#438083 - 06/13/13 09:33 PM Re: Typical boy next door. [Re: si]
Suwanee Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 1343

What you seem to be taking about is at the center of the public image I project and have projected for years. That doesn't mean that I'm not those things, it just means that I think I have managed to balance the CSA issues with a lot of boy-next-door kind of stuff. I'm a pretty "regular" guy---at least according to what society seems to expect from males. I'm 6 feet tall and about 175 pounds. I wear t-shirts and khakis on the weekends, I'm married with kids. I mow the grass once a week and go to PTA meetings at my kids' school. I go to work and come home and grill steaks and drink a beer after work. Pretty vanilla.

I've also been through some crazy stuff. As a teenager, I wrestled with demons. I fought them off and kept them at bay through becoming an overachiever in sports, school and outdoorsy stuff. Like today--- parents, friends and teachers thought I had it all together. If I did it was barely...and I sometimes needed a break from all of the stress of it all.

Like Lee said, I think everybody carries secrets with them. Some are more terrible than others...but those kinds of secrets will get to you eventually. They make you second guess yourself and every choice you make. They can paralyze you with fear and grief. CSA survivors cannot undo the past. We can do our best through therapy, support groups ---online and in-person. We use these tools to learn to manage it like a chronic condition like hypertension. Take care of things and we hope to thrive. There will be setbacks from time to time, but we can overcome with time and experience.

We are not despicable or worthless. Those who abused us are. No matter how we felt at the time, or how our bodies reacted, WE are absolved. The blame lies with the perp(s).


Edited by Suwanee (06/13/13 09:34 PM)
I've got this life
And the will to show
I will always be
Better than before

#438084 - 06/13/13 09:37 PM Re: Typical boy next door. [Re: si]
focusedbody Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 542
Loc: NY

Thanks for putting this out there. Yes, both my brother and I at some point took on a "good-looking" aura. But the real person we know each other as is so much more than that. It is when I think of what we have been through that my mind captures his essence and mine. To get there and stay there requires some emotional fortitude, some accepting of difficult events, and some love too, that I hope is of the healing kind.

Lose the drama; life is a poem.

#438086 - 06/13/13 09:48 PM Re: Typical boy next door. [Re: focusedbody]
LonelyFarmBoy Offline

Registered: 06/08/13
Posts: 23
Loc: Nebraska
Yeah I can relate big time. I'm 19 play football hockey and baseball. I date girls but I have a secret. No one knows the real me. I know more than ne one how u feel. I am you.

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