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#438070 - 06/13/13 06:22 PM Premature Childhood Sexuality
Magellan Offline

Registered: 01/01/11
Posts: 1598
Loc: California
I can now see that premature childhood sexuality screwed up my psychological comprehension of what a friend is.

I've been thinking about this for quite a while, wondering why / how I turned out the way I did. I'm unable to make friends; and the only meaningful relationships which I used to have over 12 years ago were intense, dysfunctional, and I was quite controlling and, frankly, abusive. I stopped doing that, but haven't known how to make any friends since.

A memory keeps trickling back to me in the last couple years since I addressed CSA. I've been dismissing it. But it came back to me again this morning.

My cousin wasn't the only one I had a sexual relationships with when I was a child. I remember him initiating me (maybe I don't remember this correctly, after all???) into having a sexual relationship with him, which lasted 3-4 years.

I also had a sexual relationship with my next door neighbor, as well as my step brother who lived with me for a year. Both of those relationships lasted 5+ years.

When I try to recall the nature of the relationships I used to have as a younger child - before the sexuality - my friendships were pure, golden. Innocent. Full of fun, rivoltry, trust, comraderie. They were the friendships I've been desiring to have, now as an adult.

I'm beginning to realize that I can never have those relationships again.

It was those friendships that I lost when I was 5 / 6 years old. My best friends Tommy and Nathan. My other great friends Eric and Sean. Neighborhood kids. We played well past dark in the neighborhood. It was a safe place in an innocent era. I fondly remember those days.

Something happened where sex and sexuality was introduced into my life. I grew up remembering my cousin (5 years older than me) introducing and indoctrinating me with a sexual relationship. I was primed for it - my mom severely neglected me, and I needed love and affection. I "felt" it through sex.

I** initiated the sexual relationship with both Tommy and my step brother, both of them a year or 2 older. I blank on specific memories, but I certainly remember the sexual curiosity and exploration on Saturday mornings after sleepovers.

Eventually, I became controlling and dominating. Abusive. All this happened before I turned 10 years old. My mom was completely oblivious to how twisted I was becoming. She didn't give a shit. But I was turning into a psychological nightmare in my own head.

I see now how patterns of my befriending guys that I'm attracted to, in order to have a close and intimate and trusting relationship - that necessarily involved sex and conquering them. It was terrible behavior. It was the only way I knew how to make a friend with another guy.

I was in fact repeating the behaviors of my childhood. Befriending, and sexualizing the friendship/relationship.

Yesterday I remembered a time before then - innocence, fun, frivolousness. Those were incredible days, those relationships I had with my friends - my best friends. People I trusted the entire universe with. How care free I was.

It didn't matter, then, that I was hard of hearing or had crossed eyes. I was loved for who I was, because I was simply alive.

Since my sexual indoctrination (however, and whoever indoctrinated me), I became quite warped. My friendships now depended on some sexual attraction being a part of it. And that led me down a very lonely path.

Awareness of this is interesting, and somewhat painful. I've had moments where I felt like becoming very angry at my mom for allowing this to happen, and moments where I felt like just sobbing and weeping for the losses I've had, and for the pain I've caused others.

Now I know I can't go back to those days - when I was 4, 5, 6 years old, playing well past 9:30 on warm summer evenings out in the neighborhood with my best friends. But what kind of friendships can I hope to have now that I'm 41? Will I ever know another meaningful relationship again?

I used to have meaningful relationships that weren't twisted - but I was just a young child then.


There is also a nascent memory - a neighborhood girl named Felicia. I think something went down between me and tommy and felicia, and someone else in a deserted building near where the railroad tracks were. I remember us playing around in that barn area, but something sexual (?) happened? I can't remember.

I'm beginning to wonder if it was *I* who initiated the sexual relationship with my cousin (5 years older than me), and not the other way around? I have found out in recent years that apparently incest has been an issue in my family, so I am certainly not the originator. But still - I had sexual relationships with 3 other boys, all of them older than me. I half attempted to start 3 more sexual relationships with neighborhood / school peers, but stopped out of fear.

Edited by Magellan (06/13/13 06:38 PM)

#438089 - 06/13/13 09:57 PM Re: Premature Childhood Sexuality [Re: Magellan]
focusedbody Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 542
Loc: NY

This is painful stuff and truly spoken. Yet in the midst of it, I hear the real experience of true bonds and loving acceptance. Thanks for reminding me of what cherished memories are.

It has been way too many years since I had good relationships on a consistent basis as well. Occasionally I am in touch with old friends and trace the lines of my life back. To do so requires that I be willing to not go into denial about the truer, less declared parts of these relationships. That takes a little courage. Speaking of them as you have reveals some of your own courage to let go of the bitterness.

I hope you can see the multi-dimensionality of friendship, and give yourself some slack for what felt like fulfilling a deeper need. The more dysfunctional patterns are two-way experiences. It is true that taking responsibility for these experiences can also bring a sense of peace, strength and forgiveness. But taking responsibility does not mean to be unkind to oneself. The child within needs kindness too, in order to speak honestly and with hope.

Take care.

Lose the drama; life is a poem.

#438092 - 06/13/13 10:12 PM ! [Re: Magellan]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (03/01/14 12:36 AM)

#438171 - 06/14/13 04:15 PM Re: Premature Childhood Sexuality [Re: Magellan]
George Offline

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 373
Loc: NY metro **PM's are welcomed
There is a BIG difference in the innocent "show you mine/show me yours doctor games that kids sometimes do. At least three times growing up, even in the midst of the abuse (time wise) and nothing went beyond that. Those times it was more then two kids, three or more. It was quick over in a flash and not initiated by me.

Two other boys things went on for years with. With each boy it started as a one on one time innocent thing, but I guess I wanted to show them more & felt comfortable doing it one on one and not showing more in a group situation. I didn't initiate either of these either, but these boys got far more than they bargained for.

For me the sexualization started when I hit puberty at around 11, that's when things went from bad to worse. From me then searching out my uncle the abuser & re-enacting the abuse with these two "friends". Real sick shit.

FYI, early in my recovery I searched out these two guys and apologized to them and filled them in on why it happened. Each was apologetic & reassured me that they were willing participants... Yeah it was nice to hear, I was afraid they felt victimized by me. I know though, had I not been a victim when they wanted to play, they wouldn't have had a screwed up sexualized childhood either...That weighs heavy on my mind. At the time, these "friends" were not friends, we only met for sex and some small chit chat, sad when I think about it.

Yeah, friends & trust go hand in hand, not having trust due to what we've been through can easily hinder making or keeping friends.

Magellan, your cousin was five years older than you, even if you tried to start something, he should've stopped it immediately. There is no excuse for him not doing so. You might have been craving love, attention & touch, but NOT sex. He took advantage and set a ball rolling that just picked up steam as it went and wrecked havoc on all that you cared about, thought about and did.
My Updated (2017) Story, it focuses on the abuse, the aftermath & poor coping mechanisms & breakthrough...Healing ;

#438178 - 06/14/13 06:10 PM Re: Premature Childhood Sexuality [Re: Magellan]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 09:29 PM)

#438236 - 06/15/13 01:52 AM Re: Premature Childhood Sexuality [Re: Magellan]
Shyshark Offline

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 973
Loc: Canada
Hi Magellan ...

Most of what you say resonates deeply with me.
As George says ... "show me yours/show you mine and doctor games is one thing ...
but being compulsively preoccupied with it is quite another.
I was ... still am.

My abuse was between ages 3 and 6, by 4 guys in their late teens and early twenties ...
and then an attempt at 9 by my 50-ish, close family friend ... our priest.

Let's just say that I never had a 'friend' ... boy or girl ... and same age or older boys ...
that I grew up with that I didn't talk into getting naked.
You describe a childhood setting almost identical to mine.
Small town wholesome and safe ... where all the kids played and fought with each other.
I played some too ... but my heart wasn't in the impromptu softball game or playing
'crack the whip' on the frozen pond.
All the time all I was doing was picturing them all naked ... imagining what better things we could be doing.
I crisply remember laying in bed at night ... unable to sleep ... and lining up 'groups' of people ... families ... local business men ... teachers (all nuns and brothers) ... schoolmates ... neighbours ... anyone I could identify as a group.
Young and old.
Male and female.
They'd all be lined up next to each other ... naked ... and I would determine which I found attractive and which I didn't ...
but more to the point ...
which found me attractive.
There was never a sexual act performed ... it was simply me imagining.
This was a common occurrence ...
I wasn't even 11 yet!

Of course there is WAY more to the story than just that ... but ...
I've had a few female friends that I got fairly close to in adulthood ...
and of course I've known innumerable men throughout my life. (I'm 59)
I've never had a real friend ... and sure as hell not a male one.
I was married ...
I'm gay ... and had 3 long term relationships with men ... all 3 of whom I loved.
The only person I was ever 'in love' with ... the only person I gave my heart to ...
was my wife.
She still has it.
(You figure that one out ... I can't)

Once the initial 'honeymoon' was over with my partners sex became a chore for me ...
and it didn't take long.

My life has been spent craving for a man to want me.
Simple as that.
I was reasonably good looking and worked out like a fiend at the gym ...
so there was no lack of men who 'chased' me ...
but once they caught me and the moment of 'my conquest' was over I completely lost interest in them.
My motto was ... "Come here ... go away ... NEXT!!!!"
There have been a LOT of men.

How could anyone fail to see the correlation between my CSA and how my life turned out?

My value in life has been my sexual desirability ... my ability to attract a man's lust.

I hope you get something relevant from this ...
I really don't know why this all spewed out ... I rarely speak of it like this.
I appologize.
All I want to do right now is erase this ...

but here it is.
Experience is a brutal teacher.

#438244 - 06/15/13 03:33 AM Re: Premature Childhood Sexuality [Re: Magellan]
Jacob S Offline

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 699
Loc: where the shadows lie
this stuff is . . . important for me to read. Sorry I can't say more than that right now. Thank you for opening up.

Edited by Jacob S (06/15/13 03:33 AM)
Nothing there. It subsumed me. Black hole in time and space.

And yet.

It seemed like what I was made for.

to be used.

most natural thing in the world.

#438415 - 06/17/13 05:00 AM Re: Premature Childhood Sexuality [Re: Magellan]
Shyshark Offline

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 973
Loc: Canada
I can't believe I wrote that.
Experience is a brutal teacher.

#438416 - 06/17/13 06:13 AM Re: Premature Childhood Sexuality [Re: Magellan]
Farmer Boy Offline

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
I'm glad you wrote that .... because I could see myself in so much of it.
More than meets the eye!

#438434 - 06/17/13 12:51 PM Re: Premature Childhood Sexuality [Re: Magellan]
Castle Offline

Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 758
Consider the fact, these were not “relationships“. Maybe you move away from that and there is a possibility of true friendships.

Boundaries were certainly broken... and good boundries are necessary for successful friendships.

Good luck

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