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#438090 - 06/13/13 09:58 PM ! [Re: si]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (03/01/14 12:35 AM)

#438091 - 06/13/13 10:00 PM Re: Typical boy next door. [Re: si]
SoccerStar Offline

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 929
Not a single person I ever told had ever suspected a thing. Except my wife, who'd had to deal with my screaming night terrors for years. To everyone else I was the honors student, eco-crusader, and toy / cartoon nerd. I did everything guys of my demographic were "supposed to" also - hung out playing video games, went to movies and concerts, to a pretty good extent enjoyed my life.

Except all throughout I was consciously choosing to ignore the flashes of pictures in my head, and a lot of that gaming and movie-going and hanging out was with my "friend" who had irresistible demands in exchange for protecting me from bullies. He really WAS the boy next door - well, boy next block - and so I was that, almost every night, to his clueless mother and victim brother. Shit I was even that TO MYSELF because I didn't mind it so bad at the time. To everybody else we were both the boys-next-door. Always together. Wayne and Garth, Beavis and Butthead, Matt and ____. What's to suspect about two guy friends spending all their time, all those nights together? Because to the whole world outside of wherever we were when he gave the order, that's just what we looked like and were, "friends." Once he gave the order we looked and were different.

One of my first disclosures was to an email list of my hobbyist friends, guys and girls I've known by now for over half my life. All of them are either "next door"-type normal people, drinking and joking and partying and growing up, except for those who are a bit nerdier than that.

But since I disclosed my CSA to them... their own traumas, tragedies, and phobias have been getting aired out too. And one after another, I'd never have known either.

There's a face that we wear
In the cold light of day -
It's society's mask,
It's society's way,
And the truth is
That it's all a facade!
There's a face that we hide
Till the nighttime appears,
And what's hiding inside,
Behind all of our fears,
Is our true self,
Locked inside the facade!
--"Jekyll & Hyde"

My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

#438118 - 06/14/13 02:56 AM Re: Typical boy next door. [Re: SoccerStar]
concerned_husky Offline

Registered: 08/30/12
Posts: 766
Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
But since I disclosed my CSA to them... their own traumas, tragedies, and phobias have been getting aired out too. And one after another, I'd never have known either.

So true...I opened up to a close friend of mine about the CSA recently, and I had the same experience. We were getting into a deep conversation and he started throwing in words and phrases like 'codependency' and 'support network' and I thought, "Man, he must've gone through some rough times too, and maybe I can trust this guy with my secret." To keep it brief, turned out he was having major problems with his family too and was a cutter. I never, ever would've guessed...

"Only the solitary seek the truth, and they break with all those who don't love it sufficiently." - Pasternak

#438143 - 06/14/13 06:39 AM Re: Typical boy next door. [Re: si]
GoldStone Offline

Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
Yeah I wanna second that about disclosing to 2 close friends recently. 

The relationship shot to a whole new level of exposure, love, respect, and common cause. 

And as a bonus I got to hear from one of those friends in clear language about how much our relationship means to him and what strengths he sees in me. 

There is no doubt that being saddled and riddled with pain and fear, does make a fighter out of us, if we are lucky enough to find the support we need to do so. Good men like the ones here are so much the key, because men are just wired to inherit one another's wisdom, character, and triumphs. Its so contagious. 

As far as the OP goes, I was never like that somehow (feeling pressured to blend in), so I can't comment on it. I was not uncomfortable with being exceptional (this word has connotations of excellence but i don't mean it in that way!) and even kind of revelled in being unique. But I think it was kind of an angry streak, rather than an actual expression of self-esteem. 

These days, I change up my look from time to time to keep people guessing. I don't like people to think they know me. I'll show up at church in shorts and a 3 day shadow, or a full suit sometimes. I'm kind of at war with images, and I'm surprised I'm STILL that way at 45. I thought THAT battle would be fought and won by now...


Edited by GoldStone (06/14/13 06:56 AM)

#438144 - 06/14/13 07:17 AM Re: Typical boy next door. [Re: si]
learning2remember Offline

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 406
Loc: Europe
I go between thinking I blend in perfectly and wondering, "What would they think if they knew?" to assuming that my posture my speech and everything else give me away so that it is just obvious.

I sometimes wonder if going public and not caring who knew would be a sign of healing, that I haven't arrived until I reach that stage. The problem is, there is no telling how some people will reach, and you can't untell something.
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

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