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#438108 - 06/14/13 01:05 AM Re: How old do you feel [Re: GoldStone]
Suwanee Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 1339
I feel about 28.
I look about 32...according to someone at work.
Last week when I dealt with a major trigger I felt 13.

I've got this life
And the will to show
I will always be
Better than before

#438125 - 06/14/13 03:23 AM Re: How old do you feel [Re: GoldStone]
bey Offline

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 447
Loc: canada
I am 35
I feel 6, 8, 14, 16 or 35, depending on the day and moment.

#438146 - 06/14/13 07:44 AM Re: How old do you feel [Re: bodyguard8367]
GoldStone Offline

Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
Originally Posted By: bodyguard8367
Interesting Subject,

I was always told that I was an "old soul" that my youthful face belied my instant empathy and uncanny emotional IQ. I was told that many times in my youth.

As I have approached, and then overtaken middle age, I became a champion of the "inner child" in us all. I was instantly attuned when others were being walked on and because I was such a large man (6'4" and ~300lbs) and also such a powerful presence, (very intelligent, articulate, and extroverted as well), I was in a unique place.

I was like a great grizzly bear...cuddly and funny, until you began separating the weaker members from the herd....then I became quite defiant, a true obstacle, and I earned my nickname.

I look and act 45, which is my true age.

In therapy I cringe and cry as a babe of just 8, 10, or 14.

I sob and grieve for the keen sense of abandonment, the acute sense of loss we all broken boys all.

I rather like being old. I have awareness of my power today. I have a voice that stalks every corner of this world...silencing my thundering commands is a task no one seems capable of today, it is good that with so much anger, so much pain on tap, and so much power in my voice, body, and life that I am also reminded every day of the plight of my inner child. I still (Thank you higher power) remember what it is like to be ostracized, abused, used and thrown I temper my outbursts, and watch for those poor hurt ones...we are everywhere you know.

How lucky I got to experience recovery and have some brakes on my behavior....I would not have been a very nice person without limits on my power....and it is so ironic that when a boy I was so downtrodden, to rise to such heights today as to reach down and help those other such broken men and boys as myself.

I hope I haven't seemed brash or overconfident, for I truly am grateful for humility.

(This is way to real to hit submit...but I am doing it anyway)

I'm so glad you DID decide to hit the send button. 

I don't know if this is of any consequence, but I will say that I have known people like you in my travels (12 Steps in particular). Big old mother hens, with a big intimidating exterior, and chock full of tender and tear filled wisdom. A "Been there done that, no time to judge anyone, but keep your filthy scheming hands off my friends" kind of guy. 

And the men I've met like that have changed me. So I'm glad you spoke up and I want to say thank you for your type! It's made a difference

Seems like it translates into print and you can do/have done a lot of good around here. 


#438508 - 06/18/13 03:19 AM Re: How old do you feel [Re: GoldStone]
king tut Offline

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2488
Loc: UK
Teddies make me feel about 6 or 8 yrs old lol. I just melt lol, I can't help it.

When I started recovery I felt young quite a lot. Now, I mostly feel older than I am, maybe more mature/knowledgeable because of the complex life abuse creates, and struggles overcome.

Although I was asked for ID in the pub the other day- have to be 18yrs old in the UK to be served- which made me feel good lol- i'm many years older than that now.

#438521 - 06/18/13 04:31 AM Re: How old do you feel [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
When I think of one in particular of the abusers, I am automatically the age of around 8. and full of mind crippling fear. (...and his acts of aggression came at a much older age.)

other than that, I feel about 1002.
But look much younger....
For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#438524 - 06/18/13 06:21 AM Re: How old do you feel [Re: GoldStone]
GoldStone Offline

Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
Haha tm!

#438558 - 06/18/13 04:45 PM Re: How old do you feel [Re: GoldStone]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
Well said, GoldStone. I want a friend like bodyguard..... or even an acquaintance.

I feel around 40... that way most of the time.... sometimes younger. I seldom feel in my mid-50s. When the darkness of the emotions come, I feel very, very old and very, very tired.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#438641 - 06/19/13 02:13 PM Re: How old do you feel [Re: ThisMan]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Hi, my fraternal brothers,

Like our fraternal brother, Allen. I'm chronically 74 years old.
My, emotional & mental abuse started from the day i was born. I was born a gay boy. The physical & sexual part started at 5. At 8 i became the "man" of the house. My "mom" did her best to destroy her unwanted boy.

Then came someone in my young life at 8 yrs old, a person that i fell in love with & he loved me too. We were together off & on for 6 years, (8-14 yrs old.) I was his for 60+ years in mind, body & soul. He was what just about everyone would tell me he was my "abuser." I have never considered what he had done to me as abuse, he was the parent(s) that i never had.

Then came along another boy,a gay boy when i was sent to the orphanage/Home. We were both 10 yrs old in the beginning & we lived together for 4 years, along with 50 other boys.

A boy named Shannon along with a boy named Pete for the first time in their young life experienced what true,genuine, sweet, clean & pure love was all about. We fell in love with each other. We learned how to survive (again) in a Catholic orphanage/Home.
Those four years in that orphanage/Home where i was wanted, cared for & loved, were the best four years of my young life.
I'll tell everyone that there is where i considered that my life had begun. A boy of 10-14 years old.
Despite the continuing abuse from my "mom." And my time with Ralph still going on around me whenever i was away from the orphanage/Home for short periods of time and i had become fresh meat all over again.

I refuse to be a lonely gay old man of 74 emotionally & mentally.

Blocking out all else going on around me during the first 17 years of my life.
I am that 10-14 year old gay boy today. Emotionally, mentally, in mind, body & soul.

I refuse to be an old man because i never really was a young boy, i am now.

Hope it makes sense, long winded, but that's how i feel. That's me & i'm never going to change. Read my closing signature that i have used since i came on here in MS in 2008.

Heal well, my fraternal brothers, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.

#438643 - 06/19/13 02:24 PM Re: How old do you feel [Re: petercorbett]
FormerTexan Offline

Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 12155
Loc: Denver, CO
Sometimes it is hard to tell. Some days I feel my actual age, but when I'm around my parents part of me feels some age between 10 and 15. It's easy to fall back into the age of old family dynamics when around family.
Money talks, but all it tells me is goodbye.

If I could meet myself as a boy...

#438675 - 06/19/13 10:13 PM Re: How old do you feel [Re: GoldStone]
LazyPirate Offline

Registered: 01/03/13
Posts: 106
Loc: Ontario
I'm 35, but spend my days usually feeling much much older... 65 or 70 perhaps. I'm tired, worn out & sad. I feel so old all the time. I have always been thought of by others as older than I am. A couple of weeks ago someone thought I was my Dad's brother. Only a 30 year age gap there! When I'm on this forum, however, I generally find myself feeling much more child like.
The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression. - Gary Larson

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