OK, men. I've told this story before to certain people, so its not hard to tell it again. But my awareness of the sitution and its effects has never been more clear since I've been reading about PTS, compulsive behavior, mindlessness, numbing, hyper religiosity, and love/sex addiction, and issues with drugs and alcohol. I finally realize these symptoms are traceable to early sexual experience, and hopefully this will help me to confront my syndrome in a more mature manner without all the trappings of guilt and self-deprication that I'm used to.
Somehow telling my story today is more difficult than I thought. I've told it many times since I've always wanted to know how other people make sense of it. But somehow now, in front of this audience of people 'in the know'. It is startlingly emotional for me.
It's like a whole other layer of trauma has been the lifetime of telling my story and having it fall on deaf ears, or worse, have it be perved upon by people. Even the people I respect the most in life had no clue that I needed to look into this issue of CSA and get some care for myself. Or warned me that I am in for a lifetime of shit. The greatest minds and pillars have proved to be shockingly oblivious about the seriousness of this social crisis and the gravity of the resutling conditions. How can they not know?? Break the Silence!!
So this has led to isolation and living in a world where everything sometimes feels like a big puppet show, with no one ever really talking about what is really going on.
I hesitate on the brink of telling this story because the external details seem insignificant compared to the feelings involved. So i'm going to center on the feelings.
The first part of my story was retold to me by my mom and dad as an teenager. I don't remember this personally. My mother had an affair when I was 3 years old with a married man. She may have had more than one. At a dinner party in our house, Dad caught Mom playing footsie with a sailor friend of my dad's and called her on it. She said something like "i'll fucking do what I want". He took her into the other room and bent her over her knee. He said I was standing there watching. He said to her, "If you are going to speak to me like a child, I'm going to treat you like a child." And he began spanking her. The dinner guests, including my mother's two older sisters and their husbands threw my Dad out of the house.
They were divorced immediately and my mom got custody. We visited Dad on the weekends but he was totally shut down emotionally. I felt that my mom had killed my dad. A string of handsome boyfriends (my mom was built and a looker) came and went, and I was soon to understand the feeling that was attracting them.
At age 6 my brother, age 8, came home from school and said, "you know how when you touch yourself there, it tickles?" and I said, "Yeah". I remember this one conversation of all the conversations I ever had in Elementary school, word for word. "Well if you touch it a lot and you keep going, something happens." And there we sat, MB all the way to orgasm. Seemed innocent enough, but the changes that started in my brain were instantanious.
I understood that this feeling was the best feeling a person could have, and since I was comfortable doing it with my brother, I REALLY wanted to do it with a grown up male. My longing for my Dad and increasingly for the affection of the men who came and went, seemed to find its home in my masturbation fantasies which more and more began to center on big hairy man parts. I had seen those because one boyfriend made sure to shower with me and used to kind of pin me against the wall with his big one right in my face, while he stood under the shower head. He didn't put me BEHIND him where there was plenty of room, but liked having my face right where it counted. I became obsessed with the male organ.
Every male I saw I would look at his package. When would a man jack off with me? Why was I being prohibited? It seemed so cruel.
I eventually shared my MB knowledge with a same age cousin and during our sleepovers we would kind of simulate intercourse. Sometimes we would kiss and hug too. We knew we would get in trouble if we got caught, but we did it anyway. MB went on for a couple years with my brother and a couple years with my cousin.
But the main thing was this insane preoccupation with the male organ which has filled my sexual fantasies since I was 6 or 7 years old. No action, no contact, no face, no love, just that big hard organ hanging in front of my face.
I always assumed it was a phase. I would start to like girls when I got older. But, after seeing what my mom did to my dad, it turned out, I could not manage to feel safe with a woman sexually. i experimented and even had long term female sexual partners, but it was always kind of a stretch. I didn't want the emotional connection. I just wanted to know that I could do it. For my own sanity.
At 17 I met a spiritual mentor who worked with me at a bookstore who taught me that it was not good to masturbate or to sleep around or drink and do drugs. He said that human sexuality was sacred and we should be celibate until we are married. He was a 35 year old divorced father and I trusted him. After several months he told me he was in love with me and believed we were meant to be together. I went with it. He was incredibly devoted and we had amazing sex. I couldn't have asked for a more loving partner. I was out to my mom and dad and they were approving.
Something in me rebelled. I wanted to marry a woman. I was done with men.
After I got married, but before consummating the relationship, I disclosed to my wife that I had been acting out with men. Hitting the public restrooms, saunas and the like.
We tried different groups, counseling, and retreats but there was some deep ache in me that I knew could ruin a happy family, so after a few years of on and off separtion, we parted ways for good. I dove into the gay urban lifestyle head on and with no controls. I wanted to know what I was really after. Years later, after hundreds of hook ups, and several boyfriends, I started to trick. I had discovered that the relationships were great but that I couldn't handle the feeling that my potential could not be realized emotionally with another man. I was hooked on the sex, but the love part just wasn't coming together. I kept telling myself that it was because these guys were really 'gay' and I was just into it for the fetish. I started wanting to have a man like myself who was married and just needed the male connection. My porn interests turned sharply into man/boy fetish and my desire to fulfill that boyhood need for sexual contact with a grown man was really strong.
I had a kind of spiritual awakening at one point or what might be called a spiritual intervention. All my old habits dropped off and a few months later I felt ready to get married. I looked up my ex-wife to find that 7 years later, she was still single. We got married, had our daughter, and then issues stated cropping up again, when she would leave the country to visit her family. Porn, camming, and hitting the sauna were happening for a month on a yearly basis.
I confessed to her everything. But every year the cycles continued, in some respects getting better (no actual contact with men any more) but in other aspects getting worse (weirder and weirder porn/erotica/art/chat/etc). Eventually I realized it was much more engrossing to make an actual sexually charged relationship with another married man online, than to jack off to porn. So I entered into a cyber relationship. It was consuming and addictive. I finally confessed it to my wife.
Now it is two years later. I'm entering this site and the thought of finding another married man to have an exclusive relationship with is just aways percolating on the back burner. It really pisses me off because I know that puts a scarlet letter on me right away, for those of you who take this place seriously. I need your help to get past this or manage those needs in an appropriate manner.
In general, I feel somewhat estranged from my family of origin, and even from my current family. I want to be available to them. To want to see them and explore life with them on a daily basis. Instead I find myself engaging out of obligation and its really unfair to them. I don't know what can help my situation, but I'm open to suggestions.
Edited by ModTeam (06/14/13 06:56 AM)
Edit Reason: added trigger warning