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#437888 - 06/12/13 03:23 AM to speak of the molester with tenderness
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
Probably a trigger...

Sometime ago a thread that discussed how one felt when thinking of the guy who committed the CSA against them as a kid... I remember saying I didn't feel much at all.

Tonight I am sick. Heart- sick. Almost soul- sick. Sick inside and feeling nauseated. The T asked me how I felt emotionally about the man from my teen years. I answered. No pretense, no thought- I just answered. T pointed out that I spoke of him- the perp- with tenderness.

I was dumbfounded. I spoke of the man who took all of my special teen years to use for his own sexual gratification -.... who presented gay porn to me and said at 14 that this was what I wanted. This man that I was willing to send to prison for what he had done if I had had the support of law enforcement. This man who raped me by seducing me with porn at 14. Who shaped my life in a negative way more than any other person on earth... the man who trained me and conditioned me to be raped some 35 years later......fuck him... and I failed to display anger.

And today, without thinking, I spoke of him with tenderness. When T asked me to expand on that... I just went- ... silent. He repeated back what I said and I realized he was correct. Coming from his lips, it made me sick to hear.

Its a matter of knowing that he was a child molester who chose me and had me for years sexually. And I spoke tenderly of [i]him[/i]. What the fuck is going on inside my head? Is so much missing inside me that I am willing t0... don't know. Its hard again and any insight i might could use. Just too much.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#437898 - 06/12/13 06:48 AM Re: to speak of the molester with tenderness [Re: ThisMan]
Publius Offline

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 444
Loc: OH
To paraphrase a favorite movie quote of mine from The American President:

"Children crave love, affection, and affirmation. They're so thirsty for it, they'll crawl through the desert toward a mirage, and when they discover nothing, they'll drink the sand."

You and I wanted these things but only got the sand from our rapists. Unfortunately, just as the president says in response to this statement, "children don't drink the sand because they are thirsty, they drink the sand because they don't know the difference." And how could we have? The fact that you think of him with some tenderness tells me much more about what you wanted/needed from him than it does about who he actually was in reality.

Edited by Publius (06/12/13 06:49 AM)
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

#437919 - 06/12/13 02:34 PM Re: to speak of the molester with tenderness [Re: ThisMan]
concerned_husky Offline

Registered: 08/30/12
Posts: 766

I think each case of CSA leaves a very different mark, but one major characteristic, I feel, is that sends victims into confusion is when there was a lot of grooming in the CSA. Grooming, in instilling false beliefs and false emotions, suffocates the natural reaction of a victim towards abuse, i.e. feelings of disgust, hatred, anger, humiliation etc. especially if the victim needed affection/attention, and they were supplied by the abuser in exchange his sexual gratification. It comes with a lot of emotional baggage - guilt tripping, victim/role-playing, exploitation of vulnerabilities etc. which unfortunately gives tons and tons of cobwebs to pry through before the truth, emotional or otherwise, starts to surface. I think the sickness you feel tonight is understandable, perhaps a sign of your true self emerging, fighting against the 'conditioned' self that your abuser had instilled in you. It is sickening indeed, but we are here for you.

"Only the solitary seek the truth, and they break with all those who don't love it sufficiently." - Pasternak

#437920 - 06/12/13 03:18 PM Re: to speak of the molester with tenderness [Re: ThisMan]
toddop Offline

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 233
Loc: California
So sorry to hear that you are in a bad place, but it is understandable given what happened in your therapy session. I would likely have the same feelings you are experiencing. Once I was called out by my T for referring to the perp as "MY perpetrator" all the time. The T asked me to explore my thoughts around that statement, and my "ownership" of the perp. That brought up a lot of crazy and confused feelings that I just have not been ready to deal with at all. Most of them angry, but also some confusing thoughts about it being "MY" experience, and something nobody else can understand or even some vague positive feelings. So, I can really identify with you here.

I know from your very helpful posts to me recently, that you have been doing a lot of work with your inner child. I would say that this "tender" speak about the perpetrator comes from that inner child. The child that you were was probably craving attention and initially thought that bonding with someone in a very personal way was meeting that need. But, you didn't ask for or want the things that the perpetrator did to you. You were vulnerable at that time, and he took advantage of you on so many levels.

The adult in you probably reels back in shame or disgust because it shines a light on how vulnerable you were at the time, and the adult realizes that lead you to be someone that the perpetrator could exploit. But, it is the inner child in you that has these feelings of tenderness toward the adult that was giving you special attention.

I think those feelings of the inner child can exist independent of your adult disgust and other feelings of fear and pain, because the initial relationship, that grooming phase that the perpetrators do, is designed to make a kid feel good and want to keep coming back. And you responded as any kid would to that level of focused attention.

I think that is why this work is so hard. There are so many facets to us at that age to reconcile and piece together and so many conflicting emotions. I know personally, I have felt so many varied feelings when looking back at the CSA. It is some scary stuff for sure. But, also very confusing when trying to understand yourself at a certain age, and the complexity of a young person experiencing unimaginable pain and betrayal during such formative years.

Be kind and good to yourself as you explore this new area. It is likely going to be looking at some really confusing feelings that the adult you will not be able to understand. You are such a positive voice here for others, and have been a real inspiration to me. Keep up the good fight, my friend. And keep talking about it and getting it out in the open.

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

#437928 - 06/12/13 04:21 PM Re: to speak of the molester with tenderness [Re: ThisMan]
genedebs Offline

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 378
Loc: MO
Dear Thisman,

To care for our abusers, to speak of them with tenderness, to second guess ourselves is, for me, all rationalizations of false empowerment.

If I think that I was attracted to the abuser and was complicit in the events, then I was not powerless. It minimizes the experience of hopelessness and sense of fear when everything is out of control.

When it is incest, the confusion is easier to accept. But, you were "groomed." The positive regard for the perp, the sense of "ownership' of the perp are demonstrations of your needs and vulnerability as a child. And the success of the perp to make your self defense inoperable. So he succeeded. You already knew that.

The process of healing includes (or so my T tells me) the acknowledgement of my vulnerability and the failure to have any decent choices as alternatives.

I hope your journey gets easier

Go with God

#437935 - 06/12/13 05:18 PM Re: to speak of the molester with tenderness [Re: ThisMan]
WriterKeith Offline

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 980

It's hard to tell, since our situations and journeys are all unique and individual. Only you can tell if it is compassion, denial, or a PTSD-related matter. Our responses to your thread can only be made through our individual filters, but you are most definitely making brave and healthy steps in moving toward the issues instead of backing away from them. You're making the right moves toward being whole again.

Maybe this clip wlll spark some ideas in response to your question.

#437956 - 06/12/13 08:47 PM ! [Re: ThisMan]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (03/01/14 12:31 AM)

#437976 - 06/12/13 11:05 PM Re: to speak of the molester with tenderness [Re: ThisMan]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 09:15 PM)

#438003 - 06/13/13 05:40 AM Re: to speak of the molester with tenderness [Re: ThisMan]
Confuzzed Offline

Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA

Thank you so much for posting this. I know we all tell each other that we are not alone, and I truly feel like I have a great support system here at MS, but sometimes I feel alone in my struggle with my conflicting feelings for my father. Everything you, and everyone else here, said really hit home with me.

Originally Posted By: ThisMan
What the fuck is going on inside my head?

...something I've asked myself quite frequently lately. I don't know if I can really offer much insight but I can tell you I'm going through something similar. You're definitely not alone with this.

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-


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