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#4378 - 08/10/03 10:02 PM advice
RodM Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/22/02
Posts: 6
Loc: tacoma washington
I dont know whats wrong with me but sometimes it just seems that I feel bad for having sex with someone I like or care for. for some reason its like I am bad for wanting it to happen. wanting to have sex. then feeling dirty and ashamed for it afterwards. whats up with this dose anyone else feel this way.

#4379 - 08/10/03 10:18 PM Re: advice
Marc Offline

Registered: 04/25/03
Posts: 256
Loc: Tucson, AZ
Hi Rod and welcome to MS! \:\)

I don't believe there is anything wrong with wanting to have sex with or even having sex with someone that you have feelings for. This is the way we were created. This is also a way that we connect with others most intimately. The feelings could stem from your upbringing more than any SA that you may have survived. The 'feeling dirty and ashamed' actually supports this construct more as there are MANY men AND women who experience this due to religious and familial ideologies.

Ask yourself, 'Do I also feel guilt when I pleasure myself?'. This can help you more accurately determine where some of your anxiety and personal feelings are coming from.

I say, 'Let's learn to rejoice and accept our sexual feelings when they are not of harm to others.'

Look for more guidance from the others on this board. I am sure many feel as you do. There are also many others who feel as I do. Educate yourself from both, seek help from a qualified therapist and love yourself as you would love others. How could this be so wrong?

#4380 - 08/10/03 10:25 PM Re: advice
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Most SA survivors feel some degree of guilt and shame over what most people consider 'normal' sex urges and acts, but as Marc says, it can be a result of a very sexually repressed upbringing. I had both, and sometimes I think I'm getting double the guilt and shame :rolleyes:

But if you've found your way to this site, then I guess you might have some kind of SA in your past, and possibly you're just beginning to acknowledge it.
If you are, then this is a good place to be.

You'll find good support and answers to many of your questions here.
I hope we can help you.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#4381 - 08/10/03 10:33 PM Re: advice
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1984
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Hi RodM,

We really have been screwed up in the matter of sex. What is sex?

For me, for many years sex has been me being the unwilling depository for a couple of different sick s.o.b.'s. So when I finally had sex with a willing and asking partner, I was an active participant, thus I felt like I used my partner as my depository. The only point of view I had ever known. It was another 12 years before I would have sex again. I didn't want to make someone feel like I had felt through the years of my abuse.

Many years later, I came to realize that there are people that do enjoy sex. That I should be able to have sex. I had some sexual relations, and even overdone it at one time, dating four girls at once, going from one to the other. But I always felt a little like I was hurting these individuals. This always left me feeling like I was doing to them as had be done to me through the years of abuse.

Another 13 years later, I still have that feeling. I cannot be vocal during sex. Some actions will put me in a ball in the corner. And if I sense I have caused the least bit of discomfort to my partner, I revert right back to the feelings of abuse and that I am doing to them. I know that this is not the case, but this is the reality of my mind.

28 years after the first abuse and 18 years since they have ended, I still have the feeling that sex is dirty and feel regrete for "using" my partners as a release.

It has been about 19 months since the last time I had sex, and about 3-4 months before that. I currently am not willing to "do" this to them, even though I know that I really am not doing that. It is time for me to heal, to come to terms with myself, before I place my bagage upon somebody I care about. And I care about everybody.

I hope you can find something in my ramblings,


Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

#4382 - 08/11/03 03:09 AM Re: advice
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Rod I am truly sorry for what has brought you to us but I sure am glad that you found us.

Listen to your brothers here because they are giving you some really good insight by telling you how things affected them.

Rod you were hotwired by your perps.

Same with me. Sex involved winners and losers and guess who was the loser; even when I was whoring on the streets for three years so long ago. Bingo!!! You guessed right.

Sex without feelings is just that.Gratification for one and not generally the other. But sex with feelings for one another and a sense of sharing and giving freely is something else entirely.

As you wade through the swamp with us and as the residual evil tries to cling to you like a dirty mist keep that thought with you. We all do.

And by the way. Welcome brother to the finest bunch of guys it has been my priviledge to know.

An that goes for you too Bill!!!!



#4383 - 08/11/03 03:29 AM Re: advice
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA

I'm sorry for the pain and confusion that brings you and the rest of us here.
But I am so glad that you and I found this place.

Here is a place where guys really understand because we have all been sexually abused too.


I dont know whats wrong with me
Rod, what's wrong is that someone sexually abused you. It's not your wrong. The wrong belongs to the perpertrator. It seems to be very common for us victims of sexual abuse to take on the guilt and shame that really belongs to the abuser.

With the help of a good therapist, and with the guys here at MS, you will come to understand your situation much better. Then you will be able to change and to grow.

I know because the change and the growth is hapening and it continues to happen for me. It's not always easy and rarely fun, but it can and will happen.

On the home page, if you click on the Professionals tab, you will find a lot of information under "articles". There I have found a lot to help me come to more acceptance of myself and the strange ways the sexual abuse has affected me.

Whatever else, Rod, just remember that you don't ever have to live alone with the secrets and the hurt ever again. We're here for you, buddy.

Welcome again, keep coming back.

Your brother,

"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

#4384 - 08/11/03 01:06 PM Re: advice
Sans Logos Offline

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...

If your circumstances were anything like mine, you had your wonderful gift of sexuality selfishly used against you by someone in an evil spirited manner. No wonder you feel bad about sex. You don't really feel bad about all sex, though. You are still feeling bad about what happened to you, and this is leaking over into the whole issue of sexuality.

Sex itself is not bad, and you are not bad for liking it. It is an appetite, like food. Maybe you could get someone skilled to help you learn not to carry the associations that you have from your abuse into your present situations.

It is possible to be free from feeling the way you do. I am sure if you hang here long enough, you'll get the idea that most of us have dealt with the same stuff, and we've been able to move forward. You can too.

All the best,


Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC

#4385 - 08/11/03 02:21 PM Re: advice
outis Offline

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2261
Loc: Maryland USA

I always have mixed feelings when I first see a post from someone new. I feel the pain of my past again as I realize that yet another man has endured the atrocity of sexual abuse. That hurts.

I feel a sense of hope, something akin perhaps to joy. Someone has found the strength to break the bonds of sexual abuse. There's a lot of work to do in getting through this stuff, but more and more I believe that the toughest, most important step is the first time a survivor reaches out for help.

Look at all the replies you've received. Yeah, a lot of guys feel like sex is dirty. I get to feeling that I am dirty. That kind of sick attitude has to show up in my sexual relationship with my wife, and spill over into all of our relationship.

How much sense does that make? I'm dirty because someone abused me? Go ahead, knock some sense into my head. Any reason you can think of why I should not feel this way after I was abused applies with equal force to yourself. I often find that I can tell someone else the truth about their own innocence and goodness but can't apply those ideas to myself.

I hope you see that you are not alone in having this kind of reaction to sexual abuse. If you do, then maybe you'll see that you are not alone in having the ability to get a better life. It can be painful work, but nothing good comes free, right?

Stick around and keep helping us.



"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

#4386 - 08/11/03 02:32 PM Re: advice
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
RodM - I'm sorry for what your abuser left for you to deal with. As many of the brothers shared, these feelings are lies from our abuse. It does take time to unlearn the lies so we can function sexually the way we were originally put together. A good T can help you work through this or a strong support group. Try to get away from self-blame here and know you are not alone in this!!


If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd


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