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#437784 - 06/11/13 04:25 PM ...reason #2.
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
To let the posting of the pic thread continue rather pure to theme, I am voicing here. A part of healing is acknowledging and correcting and I am hoping for some success..... or whatever.... its T day and I am just messed right now.

I included this in a response to someone last night. I had posted a pic of Little Me, then before sleeping, I deleted it. I used the orientation of the image as my excuse, but it was a bit more than that. Other than the orientation of the pic in the avatar, which I can't reorient, I had a panic. This is my confession and I am sorry I spoke only 1/2 the truth. And I am sorry the abuse of the past still has such power over me. This is what I shared with the fellow survivor and it explains to some degree my panic...

"One small story about stepping away from progress ... just to show it still happens to me... just yesterday (Sunday) I posted a pic of 5 yr old me... last night I accidentally saw a m-on-m rape scene in a stupid movie. It so horrified and scared me, that to protect myself, I removed my avatar. How irrational is that? Big confession there. But as you said... one step forward, and then fear steps in. I'll put it back, I just don't know when. That friggin' void still scares me."

Conquering requires battle, I suppose, but it is tiring and sometimes embarrassing to admit you become confused. I became confused. I just wanted to protect little billy from the CSAs- too late for that- but definitely from the... when I saw his little face and eyes in another forum, it was too much. It makes me cry today when I look at the pic, but all of us are in the same boat... row, row, row....
For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#437797 - 06/11/13 05:23 PM Re: ...reason #2. [Re: ThisMan]
OCN Offline

Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 399
Loc: Western Europe
You are brave to have posted the pic in the first place This Man!
To me it's still a bridge to far, cause in my case i'd be terrified someone familiar would recognize me (but hey, if they'd recognize me, they visit the forum too right?)

I think you've confronted yourself with a big fear inside, which is to be applauded. But it also important to take good care of yourself.. take your time.. you've been so brave to post your pic!

Try to feel this inside, let the 5 yr old know you're proud of him and that he can be there with you!

Take care This Man! A big hug from me!
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

I now know who I am - I've never been anybody else!

#437817 - 06/11/13 08:30 PM Re: ...reason #2. [Re: ThisMan]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 09:09 PM)


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