Warning: A lot of emotions in here.
I'm putting closure to this, but I wonder if I really survived, or if I will survive as time continues. I'm not complaining, I'm just sad as I reflect. I hope to survive and plan to survive, but it is all so ugly to go through, and remember, and sort through now.
More memories. More memories as these things come out. I am feeling better, processing through these emotions.
Joe: For many years, the process of actually feeling was more foreign to me than it is now. Ironically, what I thought of as true emotion appeared to be within my control as my occasional emotional numbness seemed easily remedied.
Now it is apparent that there was always some pain which could be circumvented one way or another. It was that pain that held me back in so many ways. Like yourself, "feeling better" now comes after actually feeling emotions that it just seemed I never knew were there. When this happens, the experience of recognition and awakening is sometimes astounding. As you mentioned elsewhere, memory is what is being returned. Bit by bit, the wheels of healing allow this to happen, as you allow them to proceed in you.
I’m only recently coming to grips with this. But part of me still “likes” what happened, and I even re-create the experience to some degree, I hate to admit it, and I won’t say how. It’s not in a bath tub though. But I “like” being exploited.
Or exploiting others. That is what sex means to me, being exploited or exploiting others.
That’s enough for now. That took a lot out of me.
I also remember exactly how I would bite my lip in pleasure as this was happening to me, as I was repeatedly sodomized.
For years, well hell, let's just say practically my whole life, the feeling of being exploited was fairly common to me. It was as natural as anything and seemed to be part of the pleasure principle. Through reading and slow healing practices, I have begun to reach the parts of me that were eager to be exploited, and probably exploited others from time to time. (It's funny and yet sad contemplating this, as I was always in a crowd that condemned this kind of thing.) Now it is becoming clearer how I was unconsciously conditioned to look at life as unavoidable in its exploitations.
So, while there was a consciousness that understood the pain of exploitation, there was also the reality of having enjoyed it. With that recognition, there also comes an appreciation of the part of me that endured and that can now sense the difference.
Please keep giving yourself enough room to find the words that help the feelings bring you to this present and important place. Along with your acceptance of what happened and the recognition that you survived, may your courage also lead you to fully grasping the hope that you can heal.