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#436919 - 06/05/13 01:19 AM i get nothing. what am i doing?
Brokenwife Offline

Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 25
It's been awhile. I have been going to therapy and trying to work on me. All the while, everything is smooth sailing if the elephant in the room is not discussed. I feel like I am dying inside every single day. Eventually there will be nothing but a shell and a face walking around. I can have surface fun with my husband. We can go to the movies, the beach, the garden, hang out, hike, or whatever. We can even have sex.........and it's really good. But all that is just surface. Nothing is getting resolved. He won't discuss his feelings. He doesn't offer any support to me when I am in pain. I am a very verbal person and I only bring stuff up every few weeks or so, because it always ends the same. Last time we talked he said he doesn't like to communicate because he feels judged. I have always encouraged him and empathized with him. My therapists says my husband is a good "deflector" He constantly avoids talking by turning it around on me. I don't even know who this man is anymore? Why am I still here. I have got to be the biggest fucking idiot on the planet. Tonight I asked him what it is I do that makes him feel judged? His response was, I told you that 2 weeks ago, why are you just asking me now? AGAIN NOTHING! Nothing nothing! I want my man back. What the fuck is happening? Who is this person that I don't even know anymore. I have lived in fucking HELL for 2.5 years now! I seriously have to be the biggest idiot on the planet for still having hope? Why do I still have hope????????????? This pain is unreal!

#436937 - 06/05/13 08:29 AM Re: i get nothing. what am i doing? [Re: Brokenwife]
jay75 Offline

Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 145
Broken wife,
You still have hope because you have spent the last 28yrs with your husband.
You still have hope because he is your soul mate.
You still have hope because you have 4 children together.
You still have hope because he is your best friend.
You have hope because you know the man he once was.
You still have hope because you long to have him back.

Its hard BW, I can only imagine what you are going through. As a married "survivor" and a very private man myself I often close the door on conversations about my CSA experience if I feel that I will be judged. Not saying my wife has ever judged me, but there is a feeling that "oh god what if she thinks im some type of dirty pig". Its a mental road block I hit and cant get over at times.

I tell my wife often that I love her, and if loving her means letting her go so that she can salvage her sanity and life then so be it. I know that is not an easy road but sometimes an ultimatum has to be made to ensure both his and your mental health.

As a wife soul mate, and best friend you owe it to yourself and him to give an ultimatum to seek help before it all comes crashing down . The worst thing I could ever imagine is going through this without my support system in place i.e. my wife. He will need you in the worst way.

Understand that I am not a mental health professional, these are only my thought regarding your situation.

Best of luck to you both.

"Those are not your sins" A wise man

#436990 - 06/05/13 05:41 PM Re: i get nothing. what am i doing? [Re: Brokenwife]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5972
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
Thank you for sharing your struggle, BrokenWife. It is difficult to know that by opening up a survivor can find relief and healing and yet your survivor will not talk. I feel that pain and frustration, my survivor looks forward to a female support group but will not open up to a therapist, nor to me.

It is a struggle, but we need to have good boundaries. I feel that when she is closed or upset she is upset with me, but that is not true. I know that it is coming, the fear and emotional outburst, but I have worked through them and I know I can survive them, so while there is anxiety, I will be okay. Learning to live a life secure and full without that part of our survivors is the answer ultimately we need until they are ready to share. Until then, we are consistent in our desire to support them.

As she was for me in my journey, I will be for her. My best to you, find solace and comfort where you search dear supporter,

MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#437089 - 06/06/13 11:17 AM Re: i get nothing. what am i doing? [Re: Brokenwife]
Brokenwife Offline

Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 25
Thank you Jay and Sam :)I think I could live a secure and full life without that part of my survivor if that was our only problem. I could be supportive and patient. The part that I can't ignore is the affairs. The mistrust and pain that I feel because of them are unbearable. I want to deal with them and move on with or without him. I don't want to just keep going through the motions and live in a static state. I feel stuck. I feel like he would be happy if I was just able to sweep them under the rug and we could live this surface life for the rest of our lives. However, after I type this, I know he wouldn't be happy, because he is no longer a happy person. He actually told me he has never been happy.......... So??? I have been just letting time pass me by and I feel like I've just been surviving. Time is fleeting though! I don't want to wake up 10 years from now and it be the same. I have made a benchmark in my mind. I made a conscious note in my mind last month and I said to myself, I will reevaluate in November if there is any growth or change. Not saying I will leave him if there isn't, but at least consciously be AWARE. I am not for giving an ultimatum if I'm not sure I would follow through. I guess I am just wondering when I am going to hit MY rock bottom........I feel very close........

#437168 - 06/06/13 11:11 PM Re: i get nothing. what am i doing? [Re: Brokenwife]
focusedbody Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 550
Loc: NY

It sounds like you are reaching a breaking point. I hope that in any case, you take good care of yourself.

Being on the other end of this for some time, I can identify with your husband a little. He is probably very scared to face whatever is making him unhappy and what makes him feel judged by others. He may have never entertained a hope that life could be different.

When my former spouse started talking about needing certain things after we separated, I realized that I simply had never known anyone who expressed those needs. It wasn't that I didn't love her enough to give them to her. I just didn't know consciously that people were able to consider a route to getting and asking for what they needed in life. It wasn't on my radar.

Now we are getting closer to speaking about such things. I can say that it feels both highly unusual and completely normal to see that relationships are about being vulnerable to expressing deep concerns and needs. It's taken me a while (3 years) to get here and it feels scary to go forward, but deadlier to go back.

Hoping you find the right words, if and when the time comes to say something more direct.

Please keep us posted.

Lose the drama; life is a poem.

#437739 - 06/10/13 10:53 PM Re: i get nothing. what am i doing? [Re: Brokenwife]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Are you therapy together?

In my opinion, affairs are best healed when both people participate and it sounds like you are struggling to heal without a willing participant. It is torture.

#437810 - 06/11/13 04:07 PM Re: i get nothing. what am i doing? [Re: Brokenwife]
Gretta Offline

Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 240
BW my timeline is about 2.5 years of hell and I have to tell you I identify with how you feel. When you say female support group what do you mean? I can appreciate it being difficult that he opens to them and not you. I think Esposa is right you need to get into therapy together. My H has been doing therapy faithfully for sometime now and for financial reasons I/we stopped going. I just recently told him if we don't go we will NEVER make it. A good therapist will create order and will help you sort through the mess. Good luck. I get the shame, it's a huge obstacle. I hope your H can over come it for both of you. You are clearly a loving wife who has stayed for many reasons.

#437902 - 06/12/13 04:51 AM Re: i get nothing. what am i doing? [Re: Brokenwife]
Rosemary Offline

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 31
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa

I read a lot on this forum about husbands/partners "acting out" and I feel for all the wives/partners of male survivors.

I sometimes think to myself, "was I just lucky" that my husband did not act out in the way so many survivors do, or did I have something to do with his healing. He is a businessman and threw himself into his work, thankfully we are both involved in our business so it has given me an opportunity to see his growth both on a personal and professional level.

When I answer the question to myself I realise: Yes it had a lot to do with me. He recently told me that the best thing I did was to give him space, without insisting on answers and not expecting an overnight change.

It took us just over 10 years to get into the space we are now. It is with sadness that his father passed away on saturday after a long illness and my obvious concern was how he would handle this loss. He has been a rock for the whole family and I am not sure he would be so strong had it not been for the fact that he is now a "thriver".

Yes, I did not have to put up with infidelity, a porn addiction, misuse of alchohol or any form of abuse from him. Quite honestly I am not sure I would have. You need to try and identify how much of his acting out is as a result of his abuse and if that is an excuse for it. You need to consider if it is worth the fight, a question only you can answer, no amount of theraphy will help a marriage/relationship if both participants are not willing to face the demons head on together.

Look after yourself FIRST.


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