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#436464 - 06/01/13 04:53 AM What if i did this to myself and there was no csa?
Poorsoft Offline

Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Im looking for an opinion on this matter! Dont hold back.

For those who dont know, I have no clear memory but have so many traits of a csa survivor. Im not sure if this denial hard at work or i dunno.

Im wondering that by in my early to late teens of acting out and looking at stuff has essentially traumatized me?

I got on the wrong side of some rough kids in my school at 14, I became a pariah because I defended my group of friends who when the time came; left me to the wolves. I was confronted and had to take a few humiliating hits to the face. I was also a chubby kid with some major problems with my inner ear. I had also not went through puberty at this point. The following days and months after lead me to being an easy target.

I did everything I could to avoid the guy who hit me, my heart would sink when I saw him and it lead to even further social exclusion.

I wont deny the impact this had on me but im wondering if perhaps I traumtised myself and all the after effects I had could be attributed to this rather than CSA.

I had a computer from an early age, at age 8 onwards I would do stupid stuff like chatting to strangers online and then call them from the house phone. I looked at odd things, some gore, loads of porn and it fueled a lot of confusion and guilt.

This is where im at the moment. Im not sure if im in denial or I have actually just done shit myself that fucked me up.


#436576 - 06/02/13 01:23 PM Re: What if i did this to myself and there was no csa? [Re: Poorsoft]
DRA Offline

Registered: 02/07/13
Posts: 49
Hi Poorsoft,

Perhaps it isn't yet important if you experienced CSA in a "classical" sense, what ever that means. For a long time, I've been saying that if it was just the abuse and none of the bullying, social trauma, and emotional isolation, then it wouldn't have been so bad. I've found that exploring the auxiliary traumas (bullying, social, emotional, etc) has lead to insights about my CSA and a great deal of healing. The events of physical CSA contact are, at this point in my life, events. But the choices to which they lead me, the pain to which they built has been more freeing than anything else and as I've examined these auxiliary events, I've found more hidden ones. So perhaps following your mind and heart where they are leading you will give you more peace than anything else?



Edited by DRA (06/02/13 01:24 PM)
Strength in power is a false victory rooted in vapid grandiosity. Strength in character and integrity is the freedom to act righteously irrespective of the surrounding pressure. True power is the presence of mind to live with character and integrity.


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