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#436407 - 05/31/13 02:37 PM Intrinsic Value!
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/11
Posts: 1595
Loc: California
I had a revelatory session with a coach a few days ago.

I was telling him how the changes that have been occurring in my life seem to be pointing to a new emotional awareness and emotional maturity. Comprehending how to respond to people by paying attention to the subtle nuance of my heart, rather than trying to THINK about responses.

Anyhow, I told him that I was feeling nervous and perhaps scared about these changes. It meant that I was starting to get to know people on a deeper level (something I've been wanting), but it also means that they're going to start to get to know me! But I don't have anything to offer by way of experience, I'm quite naive. What do I have to offer? I felt fear and shame that because of my limited experience, that I would be embarrassed about having so little to offer.

What he said floored me. The best thing I have to offer them is acceptance and understanding. Ultimately, that's what all people really want. To be understood. To be heard. To be valued.

I don't have to have anything in me at all; I can be naive and innocent and even stupid. But if I accept them as people are and let them know that I understand and value them, that is the greatest thing I could offer anyone.

Wow. Who knew about this and didn't tell me????

That my intrinsic value doesn't come from what I have to offer, it comes from how I treat others, and making them feel valued.

BAM! This feels like a paradigm shift for me.

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#436418 - 05/31/13 04:40 PM Re: Intrinsic Value! [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/11
Posts: 1595
Loc: California
I just had another realization.

My mom taught me this.

I was unaware of it until just now - that I have grown up with a value / judgment system based on how my mom raised me. I was only of value to her when I had something to offer her. Otherwise, I was ignored and neglected.

I grew up with this value system, and I have believed this about myself; that I have no value unless I have something to offer/give. And I have treated others the same way; that they were of no value to me unless they had something to offer me.

I'm kind of embarrassed that I haven't seen this until now. And kind of ashamed that I have treated people the way I did (the same that my mom did to me). I feel dumb that I had no idea that people see value in other people by how well they treat them.. that doesn't have anything to do with how much or little experience someone has.

My whole value/judgment system has been completely off kilter my entire life.

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#436424 - 05/31/13 07:44 PM Re: Intrinsic Value! [Re: Magellan]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 344
Loc: MO
Magellan

I was raised to be my mother's narcisistic supply. If I behaved as she wanted so I reflect well on her, and could comfort and be kind to her, then I was of sufficient value that she would pay attention.

I learned for myself from Micah (the old testament prophet) "all that is required is thou act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with thy God." I have lived my life that way, and it has left me in situations where my mother has complained that although I learned to manipulate others I didn't go for the jugular. When you hit your father (when he was coming after her for the millionth time) she said, "you have nothing to feel guilty about, you just stole your brother's birth rite."

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#436476 - 06/01/13 01:55 PM Re: Intrinsic Value! [Re: Magellan]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 334
Loc: New York City
Really beautiful, simple and well put. I also am inexperienced and feel I have little to offer but my compassion toward others is growing as are my attempts to accept and try to understand. The more I am accepted, the more I want others to feel the same thing.


Edited by EdfromNYC (06/01/13 01:55 PM)
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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