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#436255 - 05/30/13 02:02 AM Life without recovery?
Julia Offline

Registered: 11/05/08
Posts: 76
Hi, everyone.

I have a question and I'm not sure how to word it.

I am wondering if a man who suffered CSA and never goes into recovery or gets help, what happens to him? What is the rest of his life like? I've read the success stories here, men who slowly gain themselves back.... Some even get their families back but what happens to men who start the road to recovery and then just say, "fuck this" and stops getting help? Or the ones who never get help? Do they continue hiding and pretending through life...silently lost and flying to pieces inside? Loosing marriages, relationships....pushing people and things away?
I don't know how anyone could answer this question but I would really like to know.


#436260 - 05/30/13 02:43 AM Re: Life without recovery? [Re: Julia]
BrighterDays Offline

Registered: 05/09/13
Posts: 6
Loc: CA
Julia, you ask a great question that I didn't even realize I had until I read it!

My H is in the position denying the CSA is interfering with our marriage, claiming he has already dealt with it, and this is just who he is (not intimate, distant). I look back at some life altering moments like when I was in a rollover accident on the freeway I could have easily perished in, but amazingly was able to walk away w/o a scratch, and when the CHP officer drove me back home, I was expecting to be greeted with a great big hug, SOMETHING, but nothing....he didn't even get up from his position of sitting on the floor until someone said to him 'Don't you just want to get up and hug her? Thank goodness she's okay!" He later questioned whether the accident was that bad, and claims I overreact to certain things?!?

Anyways, I digress. I would love insight from others on your post as well - I see so many wonderful stories about survivors and their journey, but do wonder about the others that have yet to see the light and what their spouses' journeys have been like dealing with this.

Best to all......

#436292 - 05/30/13 12:48 PM Re: Life without recovery? [Re: Julia]
Candu Offline

Registered: 07/01/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Someone I know online is married to a successful (career wise) narcissistic abusive prick. I won't go into the abuse that turned him in to what he is. He will never change. Why should he? The problems are with the rest of us.

Now he is an extreme case. I'm 52 and I started looking into my CSA 1-2 years ago. And the only reason I did was the stress conditions that I was under (work & other things) hurt me real bad and I needed help. The CSA was just one other factor to add in the mix. I could have gone through the rest of my life the way I was. Not particularly happy but it was good enough. It's easy to accept good enough. It is hard to go through a recovery process for something that you don't know what the outcome will be.

I had a very bad year. I'm now in a CSA therapy program that I badly needed last year. I got close to my normal (like I was three years ago) on my own. (and it was painful) So I'm in therapy now and I ask myself "do I really want to do this?" Is it worth it.

Now I'm single. I have not tied myself to someone else. (part of my "problem but let's not go there now) So if I decide I don't want to continue. Why is that a bad choice? I figure I only need to get through another 20 years before I'm dead. That should go by like nothing. Maybe I'll just not bother with the CSA and just wait until my life is over. Hell it's what I expected before my breakdown.

I'm now getting triggered by things that I had no problem with before looking into my CSA issues. I'm getting triggered because I was actively trying to recover. Don't assume that going through recovery will be worth the cost. Because I sure as hell don't know if it will be. I hope so. But remember that my situation is unique to me. We all don't go through the same thing the same way.

Just some early morning thought. After a night with sleep meds and not yet had any caffeine.

Another note. My brother had gone through the same abuse as I had. (only once together as far as I remember) I hope that something significantly positive comes out of my attempt at healing/recovery. If it is then I will try and get him into the same program I'm going through right now. He is one of the reasons I am doing this.

Edited by Candu (05/30/13 01:06 PM)

#436589 - 06/02/13 06:31 PM Re: Life without recovery? [Re: Julia]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
To quote my therapist "We are all perfect and we could all use some work."

I think people can go through life and never figure out what drives them - never figure out the color of the lenses through which they view the world. Never see that what they feel are truths or absolutes are really just interpretations shaped by the life we have led since birth. Some of them will walk blindly and never fall down, some will have fallen down and call it standing up.

Denial sucks though - it drains our souls. If we can't look squarely in the mirror, aren't we missing some of the beauty of being human? We all have dents and scratches, we are all on a journey, some easier than others - but nonetheless a work in progress. Obtaining AWARENESS is 95% of the journey.


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