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#43623 - 08/02/02 08:29 PM Re: Can't Get the Guts
Ken Followell Offline
Past President

Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 992
Loc: Bradenton, FL

When I told my wife she already knew something was going on since she knows me so well. The abuse was less for her to deal with than what she was imangining was wrong.

That doesn't mean it was easy fro me, it wan't. But is was worth it.


Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

#43624 - 08/02/02 08:35 PM Re: Can't Get the Guts
James_dup1 Offline

Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
I hid my abuse from my wife for 16 years. She knew something in my past was bugging me. When I did tell her I cried and just held me and let me. It was the most free feeling I've ever had. Now Im seeing someone every week and that seems to help as well and my wife and I try to talk about my appt's every week. It seems to help me stay focused on what I talked about and she is there for me when I need her. Good luck telling yours. It was hard for me to say anything to mine. Be strong.

I have more issues than Rolling Stone!

#43625 - 08/02/02 09:37 PM Re: Can't Get the Guts
Dan01 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/21/02
Posts: 18
Loc: S. California
Will, I dont blame you for feeling afraid. This isn't a pleasant subject.
I told my wife about my sexual abuse years ago. I didn't tell her every single detail about it all at once, things come up every once and a while and she will ask certain things, she knows about almost everything that I went through and she has been very, very supportive.

However, I dont think its nessesary to tell them every single gory detail about the abuse unless you feel comfortable with it, I also think it depends on your relationship with her. I am very fortunate, and she has never used anything I have told her against me ( which was my biggest fear). Some details I have kept to myself as a way of protecting her, I kind of see it like not wanting to burden her with these horrific memories I have to deal with in my own mind.(I usually save the gore for my therapist) But for the most part I think honesty with ones life partner is the best route. In the end I know my wife loves me for who I am in my entirety and does not see me as an abuse victim or less than because I happened to have been misstreated as a child.

Best wishes, Dan

#43626 - 08/02/02 10:14 PM Re: Can't Get the Guts
jackjohn Offline

Registered: 06/17/02
Posts: 23
Loc: Fallston, MD
I agree with Dan01. I have talked about my abuse with my wife. She has been very supportive. I asked her if she wanted me to tell her all of the gory details. She said no. I'm glad she said no because my wife would have gotten upset. I don't see the point in dragging her down. She loves me and I love her that's the important thing.

We will be married 35 years on the 26th. We're going to Las Vegas to renew our vows. We will be wed by an Elvis impersonator at the Graceland Chapel Of Love at 4pm on the 26th. Everyone is invited.


#43627 - 08/03/02 12:10 AM Re: Can't Get the Guts
SoCalJohn Offline

Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Three things come to mind immediately,,,

You will know when it is the right time to tell her, and you will undoubtedly still be quite anxious about it.

Like its been said above, you dont have to go into every little detail, with my ex wife the closest i got to detail with her was saying that over time the abuse involved both anal and oral and that it started out slow and easy and ended up violent and painful.

Were all with you,


I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

#43628 - 08/03/02 12:41 AM Re: Can't Get the Guts
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
what can I possibly add to all these post's they say it all.
You'll know when it's right, the words will just tumble out. It took me 31 years, and I didn't plan it at all, it just happened at the dinner table one night, why ? I haven't got a clue, but it must have been the right time.
And like so many others I got nothing but support and love.

Be strong, be brave.

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#43629 - 08/03/02 12:50 AM Re: Can't Get the Guts
Eddie Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/31/02
Posts: 25
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Your time will the others say. Details are up to you and your much she can take and how much you can therapist told me that Americans tell TOOOO MUCH...this my be true...who knows!!! Just give it a little at a easy on her and yourself!


#43630 - 08/03/02 12:57 AM Re: Can't Get the Guts
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
The first several times I told my story I was in a program of intense therapy--(18hours a week). The first time I told it I went kind of nuts. I shook and got very hyper and started to throw things around. The therapists told me that in the future to just use very general terms. It has worked. I still get the shakes real bad. But I don't get violent.
I think only you know what you can tell her and not have it be a problem for you. I also think, like the other guys have said, the gory details are not necessary and could really upset her. No one wants to hear that the person they love so much as I hope she loves you, was brutally violated. Much peace to both of you.

If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

#43631 - 08/03/02 04:38 AM Re: Can't Get the Guts
Broken Offline

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
Dont worry too much about it. If you are not ready, then tell her so, but explain why. If she really wants to know, then try to open up in other ways. And when you are ready, its okay to be scared and you probably wont feel very good, but you will feel better for having told. Hope you feel better, take it easy.

I wish you good times and bright destiny.


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