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#436141 - 05/29/13 03:21 AM I shouldn't be alive.
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/12
Posts: 173
Loc: Ohio
This Sunday I was out with my friends and I apparently blacked out from drinking too much. I can't remember anything, but I was dancing one moment, then the next I woke up in a hospital thinking I was dreaming. The first thoughts in my head was I wish I would've never woke up. It sounded like the perfect way to die, a complete accident. I could've gotten what I wanted for so long now, I could be dead and gone. It wouldn't be remembered as a suicide but as a tragic accident. I could've left the world by accident. But I'm still here.

I heard from my friends and a group therapy member that by chance happened to be at the same club I was at that my friends were very good & very responsible. They took great care of me while I was passed out, and one of my friends in particular was very concerned and called 911 eventually. I collapsed on the dance floor, but not before having been black out drunk for an hour I think. Guys were buying me drinks, strangers. Idk why I would've taken drinks from strangers but I did, and it was a whole lot of 151 as I was told. I was carried out of the bar around 1:55. I think my friends may have stayed at the hospital till 4:00am, but I didn't wake up until 6 or 7.

I didn't deserve this, I don't deserve to have friends like this. I should've died, I don't even deserve to be here right now. I've never thought about how my death would affect people before, but I did this time. It would've been a tragedy and it'd have affected a lot of people. That's not how I wanted to die, I just wanted to slip away unnoticed, like I feel I should. I hate myself, I'm a horrible friend. But it's like I have these angels watching out for me, and for the life of me I can't understand why. These angels are my friends, and I'm just filthy, I don't deserve them, I don't deserve their concern or care, and I'm selfish to want to just leave them behind. I feel horrible for having scared them like I did, for letting myself get that drunk and irresponsible.

I feel like I'm in limbo right now, life feels surreal. And all I can think is this isn't how it was supposed to be. I should be glad that I'm alive, I should be glad that I have friends who care and who saved me. But I don't I feel awful. I have many people who care for me now, but I haven't a clue how to show them I care. I'm too afraid to let them know I love them, I'd be lost without them, that they're angels. I'm pathetic.

I'm so far gone now, I'm so fucked up, and I'm much worse than even I had imagined. I don't know how I'll ever get back up again. I can't imagine wanting to be here, I can't imagine a life without the nightmares, the flashbacks, hating myself, feeling worthless, feeling absolutely horrible every day of my fucking life. I could've died many times from alcohol poisoning so far, my blood alcohol level this time was .28, but that's how much I always drink. I know I've been above that, possibly even at .40, but even then my friend got me home safe, made sure I threw up, ect. ect. Why couldn't I have died any one of those times, I keep wishing my luck would run out. Wishing I could've ended it the many times I was going to. But something always saves me, a good therapist, a friend, even my parents (how ironic).

There's two things I wish for.
I wish for death, but at the same time I wish life were somehow worthwhile. But no matter what I do, I can't escape the pain. Every day I wake up, every time I wake up, I'm so angry that I'm still here, and I just want to go back to sleep. I sleep so I might have the chance to dream something good, and forget that life exists for awhile. But then I wake up, and it's "Back to reality". I sleep more than half my life away as it is, 12-13 hours normally, sometimes 18 hours, sometimes like now, I've only been awake maybe 9 hours out of 48. I haven't eaten hardly anything, nor do I even want to. I'm in horrible shape...
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#436144 - 05/29/13 04:10 AM Re: I shouldn't be alive. [Re: CloudyFalls]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
Hey, Cloudy.

I am glad you are still here and I am very happy the angels were watching over you and got you to a safe place. We are all fucked up on some level, guy, but for some reason we are still here. I just used that same phrase to describe me in the post I made... that I was fucked up.

But in all the darkness we feel, these people that love us or care about give us a light to keep moving toward. That's what we have to do. Keep moving forward. When we fall, we have to stand. When we stop we have to move again. Death is like for eternity man, and there isn't a redo. We have REASONS to live. Lots of them. Start a running record of those reasons. Repeat the same ones over and over if you have to, but go over them every minute of every day. See the sun come up. Okay. There's a reason to live. Sunsets mean a new day. A new beginning. You got to do it. You just have to. Lots of hugs, Cloudy, and lots of get up and start looking at the world with new eyes. We just have to. You are loved man. I love you man.

b
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#436183 - 05/29/13 01:28 PM Re: I shouldn't be alive. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: CloudyFalls
I didn't deserve this, I don't deserve to have friends like this. I should've died, I don't even deserve to be here right now......There's two things I wish for. I wish for death, but at the same time I wish life were somehow worthwhile.


((((CLOUDYFALLS))))

No my friend, you do not deserve death, you deserve that worthwhile life that you speak of. I think its no accident that you (or any of us) have survived. We are here to provide a testament that men can overcome the most horrible experiences, with faith, hope, love, patience, and the fellowship of other survivors.

I too sought to escape the pain with blackout drinking and other addictions. I didn't think I could live if I let myself feel the pain. But I did, and it made me stronger.

Elie Wiesel, the author and Holocaust survivor wrote: "Because I remember, I despair. Because I remember, I have the duty to reject despair."

Jude
_________________________
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

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#436184 - 05/29/13 01:38 PM Re: I shouldn't be alive. [Re: CloudyFalls]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3856
Loc: South-East Europe
Hang on (((Cloudy))),
please don't be so hard on yourself. I can say with easy how we are blessed that you are here with us!

It is common that survivors many times are using damaging coping mechanisms to get relief and escape from negative feelings and reality. It is our ultimate goal to learn how to break that cycle.
Please fight for self and look for your answers where to find healing for such heavy pain.

You have a lot to offer to others!

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#436199 - 05/29/13 04:49 PM Re: I shouldn't be alive. [Re: CloudyFalls]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6387
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
Was mich nicht umbringt, macht mich starker, Nietzsche

(That which does not kill me, makes me stronger.)

you are now stronger.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#436226 - 05/29/13 08:09 PM Re: I shouldn't be alive. [Re: CloudyFalls]
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/12
Posts: 173
Loc: Ohio
I'm just afraid I'll do something stupid before I ever get the chance to realize it myself. I've been in therapy for almost 4 years now and am way worse off than when I started. Nothing is helping, and if things don't change soon, I might end up dead. Last night I was crying for 5 hours straight, in complete despair. I was really thinking of killing myself, I thought of all my options, call a friend, call a group member, admit myself to the hospital, but none of that I could comprehend doing anything but keeping me alive till morning and that's it. The hospital I know couldn't help me, I've gone before and hated it. I'll tell you all I had a plan, I was going to take all of my klonopin at once with a whole lot of vodka, but the only thing that kept me from doing it was the fear that it might not work and I'd wake up in the hospital again.

I am not okay, I am not safe, and at the same time I don't want to die, I could end up killing myself to escape the pain. I don't know how much longer I can make it. But something needs to change, something needs to happen, because the road I am going down is a bad one. I wonder, I was thinking of asking my therapists if they've ever lost a patient before, and I wanted them to know they could lose me. I know one of mine has never lost a patient, the other 2 I'm unsure of. But if they've never lost a patient before, they're dealing with something new, because like I said, they could lose me.
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#436237 - 05/29/13 10:28 PM Re: I shouldn't be alive. [Re: CloudyFalls]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6387
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
when i thought i was trying to "kill myself" i realized i did not want to die. i just wanted to end the pain, not my life. i know exactly what you are saying.

it is your ego you are trying to kill, not your soul.

the old "you" that saved you, and brought you to this point in your life, the hardcore survivor, does not want to give up the captian's chair, although it is already "mission accomplished", and time to hand over the command to the new "you".

you need some kind of rite of passage that is not self destructive. some symbolic act that confirms your commitment to your future.

please consider this, before you act in haste.

it is good that you are posting your thoughts and feelings here.
that is far better than rolling them around in your head alone.

how are you doing right this minute?
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#436238 - 05/29/13 10:44 PM Re: I shouldn't be alive. [Re: CloudyFalls]
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/12
Posts: 173
Loc: Ohio
Right now I'm feeling tired and weak. Like I just want to go to sleep. I've only been up for about 4 hours...

I'm not sure I get what you mean victor. But I don't really want to die either, life just feels like it's too much to bear.
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#436244 - 05/29/13 11:58 PM Re: I shouldn't be alive. [Re: CloudyFalls]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 347
Loc: MO
Dear CloudyFalls.

I thought I was only suicidal when I wanted to actively participate in my suicide. Like your solution of taking the klonopin and vodka. I have learned if I don't want to face tomorrow I am still suicidal.

Every mental health professional is taught and should understand that depression is a terminal illness. The fact that none of their patients has died is temporary. Some will die.

As far as being unworthy, that is the whole point. If you earned their care and assistance you wouldn't be unworthy and their care wouldn't be a gift. But is is a gift and you know that because you didn't deserve it. If you think that is what friendship is, people help you out because you earned it, then you don't know what friendship is.

I drank to a black out the first time I drank and the last time I drank 27 years later. It is unhealthy and irresponsible, but it is how you currently cope. Until you are willing to learn an alternative, you will continue. Also, most therapists will advise you, that as long as you binge drink (5 or more ounces of booze, or 20 ounces of wine, or 5 beers) there is limited effect you can get from therapy.

All of that is to say that many if not most wanted the pain to stop and thought the only way that could happen was if we stopped (in a black out, dead, or in a coma.) The truth is if we find other ways to cope the pain lessens. It may still make you want to sleep and not wake up some days, but it won't be every day.

I was suicidal most of my life (over 50 yeARS)but not today.


Edited by genedebs (05/30/13 12:13 AM)

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#436275 - 05/30/13 04:13 AM Re: I shouldn't be alive. [Re: CloudyFalls]
BraveFalcon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/13
Posts: 1231
Loc: The ATL

Hi CF. I just want you to know that I read your post and I'm sorry you are suffering so much. I am an every day drinker myself, and I drink until I black out at least a couple of times a week. However, I've never wound up in the hospital from it. So, I can't tell you not to use alcohol as a coping mechanism because it would be hypocritical of me but what concerns me is that you seem to not only be using it as a coping mechanism but as a means of intentionally trying to destroy yourself.

You say you've been in therapy for 4 years and I'm curious what your therapist has to say about your level of alcohol usage. Have you been honest with them about it? The reason I ask is that the prevailing opinion seems to be that progress in therapy and recovery in general is more or less impossible if we are self-medicating. I don't know if that's true but it's what everyone else seems to think. It's also the reason I never went back into therapy after my therapist moved 18 years ago.

CF, please understand that you do deserve your friends and you do deserve their help and you do deserve to have people care and be concerned about you. You also deserve to exist and have a happy life. The very fact that these friends stick by you should show you that. You have had a lot unfairly taken from you and that is not your fault. I hope you do not continue to choose to destroy yourself because of the pain of what someone else put you through. All of the negative feelings you express about yourself in this thread are byproducts of the abuse and when you use those things to beat yourself up and harm yourself, that is the abuse itself still happening in a way.

Stay strong man and you will get through this. It may take a while but I believe you will get past this terrible stage in your life and on to something at least more stable and less tumultuous. Remember that there are a lot of other people who care that you can call on, both here and it sounds like in your real life, before you choose to hurt yourself. Lean on those who are available and they will help you get through. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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