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#436032 - 05/28/13 03:20 AM I purposefully skipped my recovery meeting tonight
fhorns Offline

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 706
I just wrote this via an email to my recovery group's leader. I skipped another meeting tonight. I feel shame.

"I'm outing myself. I didn't go tonight, and didn't want to. Here's why.

I imagined I'd rehash something I've done before. I've been in CR step studies, but have repeatedly gotten to awareness of the sexual abuse.....

I always had feelings, hoping someone would be there with me and for me to bring it out. It hasn't happened, and I've even fantasized about being in some safe institution to deal with all the surfacing emotion.

In reality, I put on a mask to hide behind. I'd get partially into step four, feel a lot, not know what to do, call people unaware of how to handle it, avoid people who had a clue (since they called me to action), and slowly retreat from my place in the group. I'd halfheartedly attend, vie for distractions, and even pout late in the game knowing I'd not be called to deal with it.

Shame grew, so admitting it became harder as step study resumed. I blamed myself for not dealing with it, hating myself for my cowardice.

I imagined that end tonight. We're in the heart of the lesson.......and I've felt terror of facing it and also denying it once again.
That's why I chose to not go. I thought I wouldn't surface this giant once again."

Help. Is there hope? Yes. I know there is; I just needed to dump this, and not feel so alone.

#436034 - 05/28/13 03:35 AM Re: I purposefully skipped my recovery meeting tonight [Re: fhorns]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2826
Hey, fhorns -

I'm so sorry. I am not familiar myself with the steps. But I know something about struggling through something and feeling so alone doing it. To feel that you can just drop off the radar and no one will notice or pull you back. To just be ignored.

And while I pray you find a special buddy through the steps - someone committed to you as you are to them - all I can really offer is my heart right here on the boards, extended right out to you, fhorns. For many of us, I imagine, this can be such a lonely walk.

#436035 - 05/28/13 03:42 AM Re: I purposefully skipped my recovery meeting tonight [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 706
Thanks Chase.

I've not fully "got" the fact that it's a choice. For when it arises.....I've run.

I absolutely know I'm not alone there.

#436040 - 05/28/13 04:41 AM Re: I purposefully skipped my recovery meeting tonight [Re: fhorns]
Publius Offline

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 444
Loc: OH
There are so many elements to our recovery one can hardly deal with them all at once. The important thing here is your self-awareness. As long as you remember that you are a survivor and are acutely aware of where you are at and where you want to be you are recovering. This does not mean we know everything we have to deal with or know how we are going to deal with everything it just means we are know enough to realize why we skipped a recovery meeting, have an idea of how we are going to deal with it, and have hope that we can succeed : )
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

#436042 - 05/28/13 05:33 AM Re: I purposefully skipped my recovery meeting tonight [Re: fhorns]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Hi flhorns.

I can't speak to the way CR does the steps, having only done traditional 12-step with a sponsor. And I suppose that's the crux of it for me. We didn't have a "leader" as such. Particularly with a 4th step, that would be pretty intimidating to me, too. And I'd have probably dropped out.

The reason one chooses a sponsor is because you identify with him/her or his/her story. Not because he/she is an authority figure.

That said, the only consolation I can provide you is that a LOT of stuff is bound to come up in the 4th - bad and GOOD! imo, again based on my experience, it's not something that's done like a homework assignment with a due date. Nor, this may help, is it something that when it's done, it's done. lol...never is.


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