JOE IF YOU COULD WORK THROUGH IT ALONE, YOU ALREADY WOULD HAVE.
The reality is the fear is overwhelming. You are afraid that it will be worse, but there is little that will make it worse. It is all you can do to make a post of coffee, shower, workout for an hour, stare off into space, do sexual fantasy in your head or on the internet and get some sleep.
What have you got to lose in therapy, reliving the pain, the helplessness, the loss of control. you have that now whether you are in the memory in the bathtub, or just between your ears.
Admitting your excitement about physical touch, the warmth, the sense of being accepted. So distant from your father; so less violated by your mother and sister, the simple contact like with the terrycloth rehsuess monkey mother. You still have the muscle memory of the metal shoved up your rectum. You still live with ibs from the unresolved stress of decades ago.
Turn over all your memories and let the therapist do his (her) magic. Let it go, stop trying to protect yourself. The safetyu you seek ahs never been there you need a new safe place a new sense of safety, a new acceptance that you are you ansd it is O K to be you, even if you will never be who you think you should be, or become. It doesn't matter. The day came for me when I accepted that I would not get anything more done, but that was O K.
I am 64 and I will be back in Therapy on Thursday, with no expectation that I will heal, but at least I know my feeling worthless is a lie.